DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE
Wouldn't you love 10% of John Travolta's luck? We ignored the so-so Swordfish and even though Battlefield Earth was completely unforgivable, we still love this guy. The man can do no wrong. But what about three strikes and you're out? What about his latest?

The good news is, Travolta's calm reserve is just what the audience needs to believe he's a recent divorcee whose life is about to get real funky. He's a simple guy who builds boats in Maryland and loves his rebellious preteen (played well by Matt O'Leary). He even has a decent rapport with his ex wife (Teri Polo). But when he finds out that his son's philanthropist step-father (Vince Vaughn) is hiding a few nasty secrets, then Mr. Nice Guy starts kickin' ass!

The bad news? The script is laughable. Writer Lewis Colick (October Sky) delivers a few thrills here and there with "now you see step daddy - now you don't " moments - but it only lasts a while. It's the last act that's so weak. There's a terribly rushed (and really bad) fight scene between Travolta and Vaughn - and Travolta's character says something to his ex wife that's so way off base - you can't help but laugh. A bad ending for a not-so hot flick. My guess is Travolta's luck might be running out.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

RIDING IN CARS WITH BOYS
In this dramady (a drama backed up with some comedy relief) Drew Barrymore plays Beverly, a woman who, despite her dreams of going to college and pursuing a career, finds herself pregnant at 15. While she tries to raise her son against all odds, she soon finds herself struggling with her own identity and eventually finds the strength to pursue her dreams.

Now this is no easy task. How do you make a movie about an "in trouble" teen palatable to an audience that's use to seeing its star as America's sweetheart? Meeting the challenge is Barrymore, who portrays Beverly honorably from ages 15-36 in one of her more meatier screen roles.

Other memorable performances include James Woods as Bev's disappointed father, Brittany Murphy as her faithful "fellow-teen-mom" friend and an under-used Lorraine Bracco as her understanding mother. Also worthy of praise is the film's director Penny Marshall, whose attention to detail is legendary and evident throughout this film.

And while the film does fall short in a few scenes here and there - overall, "Riding In Cars With Boys" delivers a gentle and understanding slice of Americana while tackling some very tough subject matter. This is one entertaining and touching trip to the cineplex.
Rating: 4.0 Martinis

K-PAX
He eats fruit and he talks to golden retrievers! Is it truly a spaceman or just a poor soul whose family has been ripped out from under him? No, he's Kevin Spacey - and he's in trouble in this so-so flick.

Claiming to be from the planet K-PAX, our banana biting Prot (Kevin Spacey) is the life of the party at a New York mental hospital. He may cheer up the residents with his quirky remarks, but his psychiatrist, Dr. Mark Powell (Jeff Bridges), is a man of science and he's not 100% certain if Prot is really an alien. Thus the hilarity does not ensue.

Yes, there are a few rare gems (like when Spacey gets on all fours and barks like a dog) - but everything is so labored and spelled out for the audience - who the studio must think are fellow dribbling patients at the good doctor's psyche ward. And the ending! I won't ruin it for those of you forking out the small fortune it costs to see a film these days, but once you do see it please tell me what you think. Everyone I talked to is completely unsure of what actually happened.

Methinks a far better "alien takes the shape of a man and comes to Earth" picture was John Carpenter's "StarMan" in which Bridges starred in way back in 1984. The 80's might not have been a beacon for fashion, but at least we were still making decent movies.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

ZOOLANDER
After all that's happened in the last 2 weeks since the World Trade Center tragedies, I'll be the first to tell you we all need to laugh again. Perhaps that is why we're able to overcome so much. We can still laugh.

On that note, I'm happy to report that Zoolander does indeed deliver the giggles. Much like how Reese Witherspoon took the 'dim blonde' stereotype and worked it to her benefit in Legally Blonde, Ben Stiller works the runway with stereotyping of male models to the umpteenth degree.

In a cross between geek and stud, Stiller plays Derek Zoolander, who is the hottest supermodel to hit Versace - and the dumbest. The man's got an IQ that's equivalent to a cup of milk. Meow. Nada. Nothing. He's a total air head.

Ah, but will he change his vapid ways when a dangerous high fashion crime family wants him to do their evil bidding? Just see the movie. Oh, and watch for SNL's Will Ferrell as the freak diva designer, Mugatu. He works it to a low flat note. Mmmkay?
Rating: 4.0 Martinis

FROM HELL
Based upon England's legendary serial killer "Jack The Ripper", inspector Frederick Abberline (Johnny Depp) investigates the beyond bloody murders of prostitutes within the Whitechapel district of London. What he finds is not only a trail of death in dark alleys - but a conspiracy of disturbing proportions.

Now, I'm no big fan of violent films. In fact, for most of this film I put my hands over my ears and held my neck. Like that would protect me! But I must admit - I found this to be a thrilling and suspenseful whodunit. Why? "From Hell" takes a clever spin on the Ripper tale, combining great theatrics from Depp, Heather Graham and Ian Holm - along with a splattering of stylish and stunning images mixed to a spooky musical score. Where most films like this would take the easy road just trying to gross you out, this production actually backs the thrills up with a decent story.

So in summary... thanks to the solid acting, the sinsational cinematography and the devilish direction of brothers Allen and Albert Hughes (of "Dead Presidents" fame) this is an extremely creepy and crafty film!
Rating: 4.0 Martinis

THE LAST CASTLE
The Castle is a maximum security military prison where the court martialed three-star General Irwin (Robert Redford) has just been sentenced to "do his time." Problem is, the prison is run with an iron fist by its weighty warden, Colonel Winter (James Gandolfini).

And as Irwin gets to know the troubles of his fellow inmates, not only does he challenge the warden on his methods and leadership, but he decides to seize control of the prison and remove Winter by all means necessary.

While both Redford and Gandolfini are riveting to watch - the shoveling of an overly sympathetic view for a group of convicts (some paying time for murder) is hard to swallow. The corn gets even cornier when Redford rallies the men by telling them that despite the fact that they've been told that they're no longer soldiers... they are about to prove that they can still "fight a war." Gag!

If you can suspend your belief in reality, and I'm talking a big major leap here, then "The Last Castle" entertains for a few minutes... But running at a stealthy 2 hours in length, you can't help but look for the EXIT signs in the theater for a quick getaway. Perhaps some of the blame lies with its director, movie-critic-turned-director Rob Lurie. Hmm, I wonder how he'd rate this flick? Me thinks he'd be easier on this one than me!
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

CORKY ROMANO
The question isn't "Who Is Corky Romano? - but "Who Cares?" When evidence is mounted by the FBI against his Mafia kingpin father (Peter Falk) - perky veterinarian Corky Romano, (Chris Kattan) goes undercover in the Bureau to help 'Pops' out. Unfortunately, a computer hacker goes overboard creating a fabulously fake resume to get him in, and Corky must live up to his super agent status before he's found out.

Now, the real question is, when will Saturday Night Live get out of the movie business? The skits are barely funny enough for TV, let alone to make a feature film out of. And whatever charm and charisma Kattan might have on the weekly variety show as characters like Mango or Antonio "How Do You Say..." Banderas - is totally lost on celluloid. Equally painful to watch, his brothers (a dumbed down version of Dumb and Dumber) are played by Chris Penn and Peter Berg.

But wait, the bad acting and bad jokes just scratch the surface! Wait 'till you get a gander at the horrid CGI special effects thrown into these painful two hours. Someone's been watching too many 3 Stooges movies and NOT attending computer classes. Trust me, it's beyond B-A-D!
Rating: 1.0 Martini

BANDITS
Here's a strange concept for a movie; the true story of a trio of fugitives -- two bank robbers and the woman they both love. Ah yes, only in America! When Joe and Terry escape from prison, they start robbing banks like there's no tomorrow in order to finance a new life of luxury and Pina Coladas south of the border.

Using clever disguises, the two men charm the pants off of their increasingly adoring public - until they run into Kate (actually, she drives into one of them), a miserably married gal who desperately wants to escape her ordinary life. The catch is, our frazzled Kate finds herself falling for both Joe and Terry.

Now, while I loved Cate Blanchett's over the top performance and Billy Bob Thornton's quirky vibes as a hypochondriac mess - something about Bruce Willis really bugged me. Could it be his bad hair weave? His constant confidently cocky smirk? I'm not violent, but I just wanted to smack it clear off of his face! And with the running time spewing well over two hours, there's plenty of smirking to smack.

Another odd aspect is this... while director Barry Levinson takes great pains to keep Bandits bloodless, the whole issue of these "cute and cuddly escaped convicts" kidnapping people and committing armed robbery is romanticized. Call me crazy, but there's just not a whole lot of sympathy in my heart for these guys. Let 'em go work at Wallmart like the rest of us!
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

HEARTS IN ATLANTIS
Okay. Let's see how delicately I can put this... Hearts in Atlantis isn't really a bad film. It's just not a good one. While it tries hard to deliver the goods via the director from "Shine" (Scott Hicks) and the tried and true thespian (Sir Anthony Hopkins), something just doesn't smell right.

In this odd nostalgic mixture, we get to know a tender 11 year old boy (played by Anton Yelchin) who becomes friends with a mysterious man from out of town (Hopkins). This unusual man is smart, able to know what people are thinking, and he's got danger lurking at every corner. But the boy doesn't have it that easy either. After losing his father five years earlier, he now lives alone with his emotionally detached mother (Hope Davis).

Now the young actor, Yelchin, does manage to pull off some decent performances - and the film advances nicely in scenes with Hopkins and the kid. But with so many subplots and characters floating around, you never get a chance to really get to know any of them very well. Add to that, the predictable way this film unfolds - and you get a so-so flick that's worth a matinee, maybe.
Rating: 2.5 Martinis

ROCK STAR
I loved Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights and tolerated him in Planet of The Apes. But in Rock Star, part of me feels sorry for him. The poor schmuck's stuck in the middle of a Metal Heads version of Star Search.

Basically the story goes; this guy (Wahlberg) has this girl (Jennifer Aniston) and this guy can imitate a famous heavy metal rock singer REALLY WELL. It's his claim to fame, his ticket to immortality, whatever. One day, said guy gets plucked out of obscurity to play the part for real. The rest? No big surprise here - guy gets rich and fancy trinkets galore - guy gets lots of groupies - guy loses girl - guy becomes a sweater-wearin' Pearl Jam minstrel.

Hey, and I love Aniston and all -- hell, I interviewed 'Jen' recently and found her to be a really wonderful girl. My only question is; What's America's sweetheart from Friends doing in a movie like this? She sticks out like Boy George at a Judas Priest concert! Speaking of which ... this film's all about Priest's true life replacement of their lead singer, although the movie NEVER acknowledges it. Overall, a dull trip down Nostalgic Road.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

JEEPERS CREEPERS
Allow me to confess. I'm one of those people who can't stand the idea of horror/slasher flicks. Just the thought of someone's flesh being ripped off it's foundation makes me cover my ears and bite my cuticles. That said, I do enjoy a good scare every now and then. And I honestly thought that was what I'd get with this little ditty... and I did - for half of the film that is.

The story? Two teenage siblings are driving home from college when they encounter a freak driving a nasty truck from hell. It comes to be that the said freak also has something to hide in the basement of an abandoned church. Being a typical teen horror flick, the brother and sister tag team decide to investigate. Stupid college coeds. What follows is a mish mosh of fright scenes tossed in with a few body parts being munched by a gross monster that resembles the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

Like I said before, the first half actually had me pulled in... but then Jeepers Creepers went totally down the toilet. They even threw in a 1 800 psychic lady to answer a bunch of unnecessary questions. Basically, it could've easily turned into something that would've scared the poop out of you, but winds up nothing more than road kill.
Rating: 1.0 Martini

HIGH HEELS AND LOW LIFES
London-living gal pals Shannon (Minnie Driver) and Frances (Mary McCormack) are bored out of their skulls. Their work sucks and their love life isn't doing any better. So when the two literally stumble across an elaborate bank heist - (what could two women want more in life?) they decide to cash in on the deal and try to blackmail the bank robbers.

Now despite the film's terribly weak script (Kim Fuller of SpiceWorld non-fame) - much like the hearty North American cockroach - this film still manages to survive. But it's not Driver's doing. She's passable as a nurse who goes along for the ride for the "good of the hospital" - - but it's the charming wit and screen presence of McCormack that saves this picture from being a total mess.
Rating: 3.0 Martinis

AMERICAN OUTLAWS
Remember when the doctor said, "This won't hurt a bit."? What a liar. It did hurt! And didn't it feel like you were being punished for every little thing you ever did wrong? That's exactly how this movie plays out. But in this case, it's a suave rico-looking doctor who's surrounded by other studly hospital staffers and one hot nurse - and they're all poking you with one long-ass needle.

Legendary crook Jesse James is romanticized to the umpteenth degree as hunky Collin Firth rides hard and long to steal from the evil railroad monopoly. By his side is his trusty bro Frank (Gabriel Macht) and his rag tag gang of young studs (including a shirtless Scott Caan). And of course, what kind of teen cowboy flick would this be without a romantic angle? Ali Larter is thrown in for good measure as his "home on the range" chick who isn't afraid to get her hair dirty. Whatever.

But the highlight has to be when Kathy Bates (Jesse's Mama) hams it up for her big exit. Pork rinds anyone? Hmm, I'd rather suck the poison out of a rattlesnake fang than submit anyone to this drawn-out drawl fest. I know when I'm getting snowed, and this puppy is one big storm of swill.
Rating: 1.0 Martini

CAPTAIN CORELLI'S MANDOLIN
It sure must've taken a long time to make this movie. What with all the bombing and blasting and total chaos running amok on the set, which is set in World War II as Greece's Mediterranean coast is invaded by Italy. But nothing could be as long as sitting through this pasta paste.

The story goes like this; Captain Antonio Corelli (Nicolas Cage), the nicest military officer ever invented has a passion for the opera and the mandolin. Oh, and a mousy little Greek villager named Pelagia (Penelope Cruz), who is the daughter of the town's doctor (John Hurt). Pelagia is your typical strong-willed woman, who at first is offended by Corelli's jovial demeanor, but in typical Hollywood style, she slowly warms to his charms as they're forced to share her father's home. How convenient.

But then again, this whole film is like a trip to 7-11. Cage fumbles through the scenes with an Itralian accent reminiscent of his Moonstruck days (grab that Slurpee) - and Cruz doesn't fare any better. With all the acting lessons, no one taught her how to lose that thick Spanish speak (one Slim Jim pa-lease)... and I'm not even gonna start with Christian "American Psycho" Bale who is totally mis-cast as her boyfriend. This poor schmuck is forced to leave his little Greek olive in time of war, only to return to her and Corelli getting cozy. Blah blah blah.

Captain Corelli's Mandolin may be a major vehicle for Tom Cruise's new gal pal, but it's the same tune we've heard too many times before.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

AMERICAN PIE 2
Sloppy seconds anybody? Although there are a few chuckles that will undoubtedly ooze out of your mouth while watching this juvenile jaunt into puberty...AP2 has as much appeal as a stanky dorm room sock pile.

The story? All the regulars are back as the sex-obsessed gang of goobers are on summer break from college. Basically, the boys get themselves into all sorts of sticky situations; Jim (Jason Biggs) gets his 'pastry poker' super-glued to his hand, Stifler becomes a golden shower victim, the boys also get to oogle at two wanna-be lesbians - and the film's climax is a major kegger party (dude!) at the beach/lake house they rent for the summer.

Returning to the scene of the crime are all the usual suspects; including Nadia (the horribly bad Shannon Elizabeth), the loud and obnoxious Stifler (Seann William Scott), the controlled Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas), the dedicated Oz (Chris Klien) who is still hooked up with Heather (Mena Suvari), who is obviously embarrassed by her lack of screen time. Geeky flutist Michelle (Alyson Haningan) is back at yes... band camp, where Jim visits in order to get a report card from their previous bonk session.

Especially in the beginning of the film, much of the cast (pay extra close attention to Tara Reid's far-off gaze) seems to be in another world. In fact they all seem to be anywhere but on set. But who could blame them? This kind of fluff stuff would make even the most hard-up actor reconsider taking on the role.
Rating: 1.5 Martinis

THE OTHERS
Okay, maybe I'm just becoming jaded in my old age. But when the trailers showed an old as oak granny mumbling in a child's voice, "But I am your daughter..." I expected a scary 'poop in your pants' kinda flick. What I got was a drawn-out, slow-as-paint-drying little ditty that made me jump once. Honestly, I get more goosebumps walking at night in my 'hood.

Thanks to her stylist , Nicole Kidman packs a wicked coifed hairdo and she does manage to keep your interest as the neurotic and tortured lead - but beyond her Veronica Lake-like good looks and solid acting skills, The Others fails to leave the appropriate breadcrumbs that could've made this a wonderful journey into the land of spooks.

I'd like to add that there is a nifty little Sixth Sense-ish twist at the end. But is it worth the long and winding (and ultimately boring) trip it takes to get there? Not really. Stay out of the light children!
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH
Omigod! With as much electrical power as a Megadeth concert in August, "Hedwig" pushes the envelope and pleases the palate with a colorful and unapologetic story that will burn in your memory banks. In fact, I was so impressed by the voracity of this off-Broadway musical turned feature film, I've told everybody I know over the age of 18 to see it - and to take me with them!

The story? Young Hansel is stuck in Communist East Berlin. It's not the best place to be and his mama makes him sleep in a stove. But that's okay, because he's got dreams... dreams of becoming a rock star. And when a hot American GI promises our budding Bowie love and liberation, it seems like a dream come true. But here's the catch- (isn't there always?)... in order to marry and emigrate to the land of freedom, our little Hansel must "leave a little something behind."

After surviving a botched sex change operation, Hansel becomes Hedwig, a man/woman lounge singer who finds her/himself stranded in a Kansas trailer park on the very day the Berlin Wall comes down. But this guy/gal is made up of tougher stuff than what irony's decided to dish out - and he/she dons a ferocious Farrah Fawcett wig and forms The Angry Inch rock band. The rest of the story is pure gravy and delicious to devour.

With an appeal that's Rocky Horror-ish in scope and Tommy-esque in tunes, this film is takes a firm hold of you from moment one, sending you on a musical Oz-like journey with an amazing talent, the film's writer, director and star, John Cameron Mitchell. Simply put, he's brilliant. And the film's musical director (Stephen Trask) is a real gem as well. Trust me, I loved this movie and it's music so much, I rushed out and bought the soundtrack. And when the DVD comes out, 'll be the first in line! A definite must see!!
Rating: 5.0 Martinis

JURASSIC PARK III
Here's good news for you Jurassic Park freaks out there. With the addition of a decent script by Alexander Payne (of “Election” fame) to the already innovative creature features that have become a trademark of this dino franchise, this installment is better than the last two blockbuster flicks combined.

And yes, all of the prehistoric goblins are there with plenty of chills and thrills - as is our faithful hero, Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill), but there's also the combined talents of William H. Macy and Tea Leoni who really make this flick a fun 90 minutes at the cineplex. Of course, I can't forget my buddy, Alessandro Nivola (“Mansfield Park”), who plays Grant’s hunky assistant... let's just say he gets thrown around A LOT!

In short, this time around, the raptors are the bad guys, with an appetite for disposable characters (like Michael Jeter) and scene stealing moments. Even though this third time out is a charmer, there still are moments of ridiculous leaps into fantasyland. One silly scene has a huge dino swallowing a guy with his cell-phone only to have the other characters hear it ringing in his belly later on in the film. Hell, I can't hear my cell-phone when it's in my bag, let alone inside some 5 ton Terranisorosinous! But bad gags aside, JP3 truly satisfies by poking fun at itself with a B-movie type endearing quality.
Rating: 3.75 Martinis

PLANET OF THE APES
Face it monkey fans, the original Planet of the Apes was a bit cheezoid. But it was exactly that Limburger-like quality that made us all fall head over heels for it. Monkeys on horseback with rifles? Oh my! Not only was it big when it first hit the screens back in 1968, but it's remained a cinematic treasure for those of us who've collected lunch boxes, dolls and other gorilla gear over the years. With such a dedicated legion of fans worldwide, anybody bold enough to make another one better be able to back up this potentially suicidal move with a hefty homage to the furry flick.

Good news is, with director Tim "Batman" Burton at the helm, there's plenty of cheese to go around. And this remake also has some impressive moments - what with the make-up (by Rick Baker), costumes, production design and special effects being top-notch... it's hard to poo-poo this attempt. And while the new ending is a tad anti-climactic and yes, even predictable, for the most part, Burton manages to keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Paying tribute to the original, Charlton Heston makes a brief and oddly amusing appearance - and in an even smaller role, Linda Harrison (who in '68 played the curvy Nova) is now referred to as "Woman in Cart". In addition to these cameos, there's plenty of references to the first Apes installment to satisfy even the most novice fan.

My only beef is with Tim Roth's overly saturated performance as General Thade (the obviously frothing-at-the-mouth bad guy) and the fact that Mark Wahlberg may look good in tight tattered shirt, but I never felt like he had the charismatic presence for such a role. Now, Fight Club's Helena Bonham Carter does pretty well bringing some intensity to her role as Ari, the rebellious daughter of a senator who leads the Human Rights Faction... but it's not the acting you're paying to see. Just like eating a whole box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, it's for the pure pleasure we go to see a bunch of monkeys really going ape.
Rating: 3.75 Martinis

RUSH HOUR 2
Personally, I didn't really like the original Rush Hour. I guess it was something about the formula of "funny guy meets limber action hero" that pushed my annoyance buttons back in 1998. But thanks in part to a funnier script and Jackie Chan's trademark death-defying stunts, the sequel left a different taste in my mouth.

Yes, the loud, shrill-pitched antics of Chris Tucker are still there, as are Jackie Chan's amazing martial arts and acrobatics. In fact, it's Chan's obviously so-so acting skills mixed with his kick-butt fight scenes that makes Rush Hour 2 an amusing 2 hours. Although I tried hard to hate it, I actually laughed quite a few times during the film. And what about the montage of outtakes that typically end a Chan film? This installment is wickedly funny and yes, painful to watch.

The story isn't anything to rave about, in fact, I won't even go into detail about the plot -- but we don't go see Jackie Chan movies for the script, now do we? We go to see him do the impossible. Running up walls, sliding between 3 inches of clearance space and countless flips and kicks galore... that's what we're paying for. So if you're looking for mindless summer fun that will lightly entertain you, then Rush Hour 2 is worth a look-see.
Rating: 3.75 Martinis

"O" (Othello)
Well, if you're looking for a feel good flick, this ain't it. Anyone who's already read Shakespeare's original melodramatic soap opera, Othello, knows that it's full of maniacal mind games with plots to overthrow the lucky ones... and lots of death.

Tapping into the ever-so profitable teen market, this time around Othello's set in an elite private school located deep in the South. Mekhi Phifer plays, Odin, an NBA hopeful who can slam dunk anything he wants. He's talented, popular, dating the Dean's daughter (Julia Stiles) and he's totally opposite his basketball pal, Hugo (Josh Hartnett).

Try as he may, our sad-eyed Hugo gets no attention from his father (Martin Sheen), who happens to be the school's basketball coach. And from the get-go, it's obvious that Pops is infatuated with the talents of not his son, but Odin. Of course, this being a Shakespeare sort of thang, Hugo becomes enraged with envy and decides to peck at the very soul of Odin. Thus the onslaught begins of a tragedy best.

Although they did a decent job of following the Othellian tradition, one can't help but wonder why someone would target this type of bummer story to a teen audience. I'm sure that there are many troubled teens today who go to violent extremes to get "even" - but is this something an average teen would want to pay money to see? Methinks not. And here's something creepy... The ending in this film seems so sadly familiar, it resembles many of the scenes from Columbine's tragically true school shoot out. Not a real crowd pleaser on any level.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

ORIGINAL SIN
Okay. So the critics are ripping the seams outa this thing. Original Sin is literally getting torn to shreds ten times more than this summer's other bombastic boo-boo, Tomb Raider. That's fine. Rarely do I follow what my fellow critics offer up as any sort of gospel.

But you know what? I didn't find it as repulsive as everyone's been saying it is. Actually I kinda enjoyed this somewhat flimsy attempt at luring the audience in with two incredibly sexy stars (Angelina Jolie and Antonio Banderas). It's not that the script is worthy of any praise (it literally steals any suspense by spelling it out to you moment by moment) and it ain't the characters (all are painfully bad cookie cut-outs) -- so what could it be? I guess it's just Angie.

Although way too skinny (and they say the camera adds 20 pounds!) - Angelina Jolie is simply riveting to watch. She's perhaps the most beautiful woman to hit the screen in a long, long time... and yes, the audience devours her - much like her movie choices as of late. So is it really worth the dough? Well, if you're going for a good story, I'd say save your cashola. But if you want 2 hours of pure seedy softcore stuff, then I'd recommend you hit the theater for a matinee ticket (still under $6.00 these days) and take a bib just in case the drool starts to dribble.
Rating: 2.5 Martinis

AMERICA'S SWEETHEARTS
Yawnsville. In an Ugly Duckling role that we've seen sooooo many times before, Julia Roberts follows-up last year's Oscar winning streak with this predictably sappy romantic comedy.

Julia (whose over-enthusiastic smile turns into an homage to Batman's "Joker" character)... well, she plays an awkward, once fat, four-eyed, self-conscious girl named Kiki. She's also the unlucky dweeb stuck with the job of being the personal assistant (AKA "slave") to the her beautiful mega-star sister Gwen (Catherine Zeta-Jones).

But just when it seems her lot in life is to bend to every wish of her twisted sister (no one within six miles of Gwen can light up a smoke) - enters Gwen's estranged mega-star husband Eddie (John Cusack).

In a desperate measure to get the celebrity couple back together for publicity's sake, press agent Lee Phillips (Billy Crystal) masterminds this elaborate press junket out in the middle of Nevada, which throws the two together. No wait... make that three. Seems Kiki's also got the hots for Eddie. Who knew?! Basically, our forever devoted Kiki finds that she has to speak up for herself.

Okay, so the story's bad. The acting's bearable. And seeing a doberman pincher lick Billy Crystal's "baseballs" hasn't been the highlight of my Summer.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER
Face it. We all felt this was coming, didn't we? She looks good. She sounds good. And now that we know she collects blood like Jay Leno collects cars, we know she's a freak. But what a wonderful freak she is! That's why we want Angelina Jolie to succeed. We want her to hit the jackpot with another "Gia" or "Girl Interrupted" - don't we?

Yes, yes. But with "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider" what we're left with is a boring-as-white-bread story that has plenty of shoot 'em up scenarios, daring stunts and gratuitous bouncing boobies - but not much else. So although Ms. Jolie (I refuse to call her Mrs. Thornton) is gorgeous beyond a doubt, there's just no gripping story to hold onto.

It's like the Tomb Raider video game. Someone can tell you all about it or you can even watch someone playing the darn thing... but unless you yourself get to grab the controls and go for the adventure on your own terms... it's just plain Dullsville.
Rating: 2.5 Martinis (extra points go to Jolie's make-up cover-up of her multiple tattoos)

AI: ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE
I've been anticipating this film for so long now, I feel like it's an old friend of mine. But just like many of my real life pals (who embody great characteristics) - they can also bug the crap out of me with their quirky shortcomings. That's just how this movie hit me. The first two acts of A.I. comprised of an engaging, spooky and somewhat smart story. But as the third act crawled into existence, it looked like famed director Steven Spielberg just got tired of the whole mess.

ACT ONE: AI prototype, David (Joel Haley Osment) is introduced into the Swinton family (Frances O'Connor and Sam Robards), whose own son is in a coma. Although Monica's initially freaked out about the whole idea of a pseudo son, she soon becomes charmed by the robotic boy. But when the couple's own son (a Mini Me version of Nathan Lane) recovers and returns home, he can't stand the fake one, and thus the sibling rivalry begins. Troubled by all of the problems, Monica abandons David in a forest. Ouch.

ACT TWO: David then begins a quest to become a real boy, (sounds a bit like Pinocchio, huh?) on an adventure which hooks him up with Gigolo Joe (played marvelously well by Jude Law), a male prostitute robot on the run from the law. Then there's the Flesh Fair which features a robot hating crowd rooting for their death by dismemberment or buckets full of acid. Again, ouch.

ACT THREE: This is where it all falls apart. In a move that hammers the Pinocchio complex home and combines elements from “Close Encounters" and "ET" - we follow David as he hopes to find the "Blue Fairy" that can magically fulfill his wish. Blah. Blah. Blah. Basically, we're kidnapped for three hours on this exhaustive journey - and just as you feel its about end, yet another scene spawns and takes us on a detour that we really don't need. I think we all got the idea here in the first act. By the time it actually gets to the bitter end, were left feeling totally confused about David's obsessive quest for Mommy. Stanley Kubrick has definitely left the building.
Rating: 3.5 Martinis

CATS AND DOGS
According to this movie, for centuries dogs have been trying to save mankind from the evil claws of cats. Hmm, I just thought they liked to chew slippers and lick their hinies. Anywho, when a power hungry kitty known as Mr. Tinkles (Sean Hayes), initiates a plan to take over the planet, a team of top secret dog agents and a loyal beagle puppy named Lou (Tobey McGuire) try to foil Mr. T's maniacal scheme.

While my fellow critics are majorly slamming this film, I find myself at a standstill. Although it's no gem of a script and some of the comedic violence in "Cats and Dogs" will definitely frighten small kids... I actually found the movie to be kinda quirky and fun. And even though they could've chucked the real actors (Jeff Goldbloom blows as a nutty professor) - the charming animatronic pets and special effects make up for the loss. In other words, this might not be the greatest movie you and your family see this Summer, but it's still worth a look-see at a matinee.
Rating: 3.0 Martinis

THE SCORE
Now here's one that hits the mark. What's weird is, it's not the actual story or script that makes it work --- it's the actors. In fact, you can see much of what's coming in this film (including the ending) way before it happens on screen.

Nick Wells (played by da man with da face, Robert De Niro) is a longtime career thief who's ready to retire. But before he can give up his black clothes and fancy gizmos for the love of his life, Diane, (Angela Bassett) - he needs to land one more score. Arranged and pushed upon by Nick's longtime pal and fence man, Max (played brilliantly well by the master, Marlon Brando), this job promises to be so big, Nick and his love could live in comfort for a very long time. The only catch is, he needs to mastermind a nearly impossible heist by joining forces with an eager, yet clever young accomplice (Edward Norton) - who he clearly doesn't trust.

Now, be forewarned... there is some major lag time as they prepare for the score, but it's the moments with Brando and De Niro on screen that resurrect this film. Although he's as large as a house and a bit older than we remember him, Brando's delicate facial reactions and pauses in dialogue remind us all what a fabulous actor he is. And De Niro... he's at his best when in Brando's presence. Norton also manages to pull off some nice screen time. Just don't go to see it for Angela Bassett; her role is more of a cameo than anything else.
Rating: 4.0 Martinis

LEGALLY BLONDE
I know what you're thinking. How good can a movie be about a wealthy blonde who's dating the cutest frat boy in school? Well, trust me, it's good. Real good.

The adorably likable Reese Witherspoon plays Elle Woods - a girl who seems to have it all. She's the president of her sorority, a Hawaiian Tropic girl, Miss June in her campus calendar, and, most importantly, she's blonde. But what she wants more than anything is to be Mrs. Warner Huntington III.

So what's stopping her blue blooded snob (Matthew Davis) from popping the question? Elle is just TOO blonde. What he needs is a yuppy princess that his uppity parents can embrace into their social circle and feel-good fundraisers. And that's just what he tries to find as he enters his first year at Harvard law school.

So instead of biting the bullet of being dumped, Elle relies on her fair haired resources and gets herself into Harvard, determined to win him back. That's where the fun really kicks into high peroxide gear! With gags that will have you laughing in the aisle, Elle tries to get her guy back, but ends up fighting for herself and for all the blondes who endure the dumb blonde stereotype everyday. Overall, the laughs are plentiful and Reese is a pure pleasure to behold.
Rating: 4.0 Martinis

EVOLUTION
The posters look good, right? Sure they do. That silly little smiley face with three eyes. Very catchy advertising. But what you actually get in the latest flick from director Ivan Reitman is really a reconstituted blend of "Ghostbusters" meets "Men In Black" with a pinch of "The X-Files." The pinch is David Duchovny who does a decent job playing a community college science professor opposite the only true star of the film, Orlando Jones (The Replacements).

But unfortunately, Julianne Moore's talents are wasted as the ever-tumbling love interest to Duchovny's character. And Seann William Scott (American Pie) plays the brain dead wannabe firefighter helping the alien-busters nail the creepy critters, who are busy taking over a small town in Arizona. Basically, it's rude, crude and at moments, funny. But again, those moments mostly come from the comedy chops of Jones, who was once a regular on Mad TV. My advice for those of you who really want to see it? Go to a matinee.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE
Finally. The Mouse is back in da house! Disney's latest summer spectacular is a delightful action-adventure starring the voices of Michael J. Fox, John Mahoney, Cree Summer and James Garner. And I'm happy to report that not only is this film a refreshing departure from the "break out in song" carbon copy stamp-outs of past Mickey-Moused movies like "The Little Mermaid" ... but it's a strong contender against those new breed of animation marvels over at DreamWorks/Pixar.

Indeed, Disney has risen to the occasion with a wonderful story that both children and adults can enjoy. All of the characters are a treat to behold (especially Don "SNL's Father Guido Sarducci" Novello's dynamite loving crew member) and the story offers a spiritual (not preachy parable) spin on the importance of doing the right thing. Add a comical script that kids are hypnotized by and parents can relate to and you got yourself a real nice treat for any age.
Rating: 4.0 Martinis

SONGCATCHER
Ah yes, among the swill of summer blockbusters that have more gun powder than plot, comes this sweet little flick. Thing is, it's so small you probably won't be able to see it until it hits the video stores. And what a shame that is.

Circa 1899. After she's denied a promotion at the university where she teaches, Doctor of Musicology Lily Penleric (Janet McTeer), takes a trip to the Appalachia mountains to get some rest and visit her sister. After getting over the initial shock of the uncultured locals, Lily stumbles across an amazing find; a plethora of ancient Scotish-Irish ballads, which have been handed down from generation to generation, unscathed by modern society. What comes next for Ms. Penleric is not only beneficial for her career, but life-changing as well, as she ventures into the most isolated areas of the rugged landscape to collect the songs.

McTeer does yet another exquisite job (see my "Tumbleweeds" review) as the uptight doc who eventually falls for these simple people living in seclusion - - as do her co-stars, Aidan Quinn and the faboo Pat Carroll (who simply must receive an Oscar nom for her work in this picture). And the pace of the film is also refreshing as it moves slowly, taking its time to develop characters and a story that will still keep you glued to the screen. And the music is absolutely hypnotic. Do yourself a favor and see this movie - if you can find it, that is!
Rating: 4.5 Martinis

DR. DOLITTLE 2
I must admit that I had reservations about spending 2 hours of my precious life watching Eddie Murphy once again talk to the animals. My gut reaction to this sequel? Mixed.

Although kids will dig the humorous banter between the charming creatures - and their parents will appreciate the semi educational aspect of the film (hammering home the importance of protecting the environment)...Dr. Dolittle 2 does have its fair share of problems. Nothing monumental, but noticeable nonetheless.

As the film opens, we see how the doc's International success is impeding on his relationship with his family. And with a new cause to concern himself with, a few chuckles float across the screen.

But then it happens. The juvenile jokes on bodily functions begin. Once again, we're pummeled with horribly bad gags involving canine flatulence and grizzly poop of monstrous proportions (they actually had the audacity to feature a bear taking a dump on a toilet). Now here's where the mixed review comes in... Despite these blundering boo-boos, Dr. Dolittle 2 still manages to eek out a few laughs.

There's a hormone-induced teen who's hot for the doctor's daughter, a Soprano-esque raccoon with a thick Jersey accent and a chameleon lizard that steals the show. So yes, there are some fun moments to be found. Just don't go in expecting a rip-roaring great time.
Rating: 2.5 Martinis

SHREK
In this delightful tale, we meet a giant green ogre named Shrek (Mike Myers), who lives in quiet solitude in a swamp. One day, his tranquil peace is turned upside down when an invasion of annoying fairy tale characters threatens his domestic bliss. There are three blind mice on his dining table, a big, bad wolf in his bed, seven dwarfs running amok in his pad, and a wisecracking donkey (Eddie Murphy) trailing his every move - all banished from their residences by the evil Lord Farquaad (John Lithgow).

Determined to save his sanity, Shrek cuts a deal with the evil one and sets out to rescue the beautiful Princess Fiona (Cameron Diaz) to be Farquaad's bride. The only problem is, she's heavily guarded by a fire-breathing dragon. But this doesn't scare our brave Shrek, who sets off on his journey anyway despite the danger with the ever chit-chatty donkey as his sidekick.

Now, you know the kiddies are gonna enjoy this film, but what about you adults out there? The good news is - there's plenty to keep you entertained as well. From the clever and cute banter between Mike and Eddie - to the spoof on Cameron's Charlie's Angels stunts - there's enough for the whole family to enjoy.
Rating: 4.0 Martinis

PEARL HARBOR
You'd think that they couldn't go wrong with this one. With a budget that would choke a horse and the topic being that of Japan's sneak attack at Pearl Harbor (which finally drew the US into World War II) - - the possibilities are endless, right? Wrongo.

I'll admit, there are amazing special effects that are flung out at the audience left and right, but then somebody decided to throw in a sappy love triangle with not an ounce of chemistry and a cliché riddled script. Thanks Jerry Bruckheimer. Our painful memories of World War II were doing fine without you. But that's what Disney gets when they decide to let the man behind such cinematic disasters as "Armageddon," "Coyote Ugly" and "Con Air" man the helm. Yes, he can produce box office results, but the casualties are high.

The parties involved in the story? Best buds Rafe and Danny (Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett) find themselves thrown into the chaos that is war, but not until they both find themselves in love with the same woman (Kate Beckinsale). I won't get into the nitty gritty details - but the story is way weak, to say the least.

They did do a decent job of portraying the Japanese military as noble fighters, not as the madmen earlier filmmakers made them out to be. And again, the battle scenes are intense and impressive in scope. But we all know that a good film has to have heart - and this one is just left on the operating table while the patient's locked outside, banging on the hospital doors.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

THE MAN WHO CRIED
Here's one that I was trying so hard to like. But alas, it also fails miserably. And the title? It's got nothing to do with the film! It should be called "The Girl Who Found Her Long Lost Father" or "The Movie That Goes All Over The Place, Just Not In The Right Direction."

From the miscasting of Christina Ricci in the lead role to a brooding, silent-type Johnny Depp as her love interest, this film has all the right ingredients, but a lousy cook. Acting as Writer, Director and Musical Producer, Sally Potter (Orlando) gathers together a great cast that includes the likes of Cate Blanchette and John Torturro, but somehow she manages to muss it up with irrelevant scenes and a corny ending you can see a mile away. Rating: 1.5 Martinis

MOULIN ROUGE
It may seem like a silly premise to base a movie on, but what do you know? I was actually glued to this romantic musical like a bimbo to a billionaire. Not that Nicole Kidman's an amazing singer or anything, but she does manage a few wonderful moments with the real star of this film, Ewan MacGregor. Not only is he way easy on the eyes, but the guy can really sing.

And good vocal chops were a necessity in this mega musical endeavor that takes place at the famous Can-Can club, Le Moulin Rouge in Montmartre, Paris, circa 1900. MacGregor plays, Christian, a young "in love with love" poet, who dives into the world of absinthe-guzzling artistes like Toulouse-Lautrec. But when Christian falls into a deep (yet doomed) love affair with the Moulin Rouge's star courtesan, Satine (Nicole Kidman), all hell breaks loose. Think "Romeo and Juliette" on acid.

Now, it's my guess that 50% of the audience will love the crazy, "Cabaret Meets Tommy Rock Opera-esque insanity...while the other 50% will feel pummeled at every angle with the onslaught of modern musical numbers coming out of the film's every pore. Personally, I thought it was a brave move. Nobody does musicals these days - and if they do, they're always apologizing for it. Not so with Moulin Rouge. From the get-go it takes you on a carnival ride of glutenous proportions.
Rating: 4.0 Martinis

WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?
What's the worst that could happen? This movie. Let's just cut through all the hooty hatty shall we? If you like mediocre comedies, than this Olestra light fare is for you.

And what was up with Martin Lawrence's face? In some shots you can clearly see that the man needs some major Clearasil action. But in close-up shots, he looks like he was lit by Barbra Striesand's team of soft-lighting engineers, while Industrial Light and Magic created a baby soft smoothness I've never seen the likes of. Clearly, Martin's still going through puberty - and the inconsistency of it all really is noticeable.

But pimples aside, the story starts off weak with Martin's character meeting a British bombshell that he immediately moves in with. Basically, they have one date and then she's got the U-Haul all packed up! Then she finds out that this fine catch is a thief (he robs from the rich to feed himself) - but this doesn't bother her one bit. In fact, she gives him her prized possession, which is her father's good luck ring.

One day he gets a tip that Billionaire tycoon Max Fairbanks' (Danny DeVito) supposedly unoccupied beachfront mansion is an easy heist - so he goes for it. But after being caught, rich Max takes the ring from our hero crook - and thus begins the whole awful mess of getting it back. So much for it being "lucky." In summary, this battle of capitalist vs. robber gets pretty pathetic and escalates into a jousting tournament of egos that ultimately bores the viewer into a coma.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

SWORDFISH
If you've read my interview with John Travolta, you can tell that I'm totally smitten as a kitten by the great dimple-in-the-chinned one. He's rich, handsome and charming beyond belief. That said, I sure wish he'd give me a call the next time somebody tries to slip him a script that's been scribbled on a bar napkin. I could've saved us all from such schleppers as "Battlefield Earth," "Broken Arrow," "Mad City" and "Lucky Numbers." But unfortunately, once again, this mish-mosh of action cyber hell called "Swordfish" amounts to nothing more than just a major hard drive crashola.

What's the plot? Fagettaboutit! All you need to know is that Halle Berry flashes her little boobies (for a rumored 1/2 a million)...Hugh Jackman gets a blow job while cracking a computer code in less than 60 seconds - (which is the same amount of time it takes to totally turn off the audience)...and John may look great, but he's in a role we hate to see him in - that of a villian.

Even though they tried to soften his "bad guy" role, he's still a creepy dude. And we like to see him as the good guy. We also like to see him with a good script. So forget the $20 million a picture John-John, and get a hold of some good verbage to work your magic on - or else people will get the idea that you're not in it for the craft but for the cash.
Rating: 1.5 Martinis

A KNIGHT'S TALE
I guess the movie poster says it all. He's hot. He looks good in long hair. And if you have a pulse, he's gonna rock your world. Of course, I'm talking about the hottest thing to come out of Australia since Russell Crowe's sense of humor ... the sweet-faced-hunk-of-the-month, Heath Ledger. You may remember him as Mel Gibson's son in "The Patriot."

The story follows young William, a squire with poor family roots, but a gift for jousting. After his master dies suddenly (we never find out exactly why), our sporty young lad hits the road with his business associates Roland and Wat to seek out fortune and fame. Only problem is, in order to joust he must be of noble blood. Thus enters a buck-naked writer named Chaucer, who forges some documents for a hefty fee.

What follows are plenty of tossed-in modern tunes (like Queen's "We Will Rock You"), far too many jousting tourneys and the real winner in this film... the lovely lady Jocelyn (played by newcomer Shannyn Sossamon who makes her big screen debut in this film). Last year, the 20 year-old was with a friend who was deejaying at Gwyneth and Jake Paltrow's joint birthday party when a Hollywood casting director took note of her. Smart move. She's got a face that the camera loves and an on-screen vibe that's sure to take her far.

But the rest of the film doesn't live up to the promise. Unfortunately, the overindulgent jousting matches and the "good guy vs. bad guy" scenario becomes overbearing and a bit repetitive. Still, it's worth a look-see just to see Ledger and Sossamon steam up the screen.
Rating: 3.0 Martinis

ANGEL EYES
Here's one that I didn't do backflips over, but I couldn't find anything to make me hate it either. Basically, it's a slow-moving "getting to know you" type of love story about two people who both have demons they need to dominate before they can be with each other.

Sharon Pogue (Jennifer Lopez), is a Chicago cop who struggles with being a beautiful woman with a badge and her nonexistent relationship with her father. One day while chasing a perp, her life is saved by Catch (Jim Caviezel), a man who's lost his wife and son in a devastating car wreck. The two seem bound to each other, as if their paths were meant to cross. But although their love affair begins to blossom, it's only after they deal with their dark pasts that they truly become available to each other.

Lopez is, as always, stunning to watch on film and the camera devours her from every angle. And her co-star, Caviezel , with his sleepy eyes is also a magnet for the lens. Just be forewarned, although the story unfolds nicely between the two, the slow pace of the film might be too much for those of you wanting a quick fix.
Rating: 3.0 Martinis

ABOUT ADAM
Let's be frank here, shall we? If you're a member of the National Organization for Women - don't read any further. Just take a cold shower, play with your cats and skip this review.

Okay. Now for the rest of you... once you get over the stone-cold fact that this adorable guy (played by Stuart Townsend) is going to hunt down every single woman he encounters - you'll find "About Adam" to be a charming and sexy flick. Of course, it doesn't hurt to have the dimpled Kate Hudson batting her eyelashes at the hunky Dublin playboy - as well as the rest of the supporting cast, who all fall prey to this new pretty boy on the block.

Basically, this guy is a serial seducer. A romantic Robin Hood if you will. He has the uncanny ability to tap into the sexual whirlpools welling up not only in Kate Hudson's character, but that of her entire family. And without making any judgments on such taboo behavior, "About Adam" takes you on a sexy romp with a truly talented cast - and a thick tongue that's firmly planted in one gorgeous cheek.
Rating: 4.0 Martinis

THE MUMMY RETURNS
The good news? This somewhat saucier sequel (to the original ho-hum-heavy Mummy flick) actually delivers a few thrills and spills. The bad news? You have to endure stuff you've seen before with just a tad too many CGI special effects at audible levels that would deafen God... or at least WWF superstar "The Rock" who stars in the film. Got your attention?

Set in 1935, 10 years after the bandaged bungle of the first film, adventurer Rick O'Connell (Brendan Fraser) is now happily hitched to the beautiful Betty named Evelyn (played by the increasingly radiant Rachel Weisz). So, they're good-looking, they've got a great pad in London and a cute kid (Freddie Boath) who knows far too much about Egyptian history.

The story? You know the one. The forces of Evil and Good clash, leaving the fate of the world on our young buck Rick's shoulders. But in this type of fun no-brainer, a strong story doesn't even matter. There's plenty of eye candy (including Ms. Weisz in an Egyptian cat fight) and a gaggle of water scenes (hey, it worked in "Titanic" right?) to keep you entertained. So, despite the onslaught of animated creatures poking at you from every angle, "The Mummy Returns" manages to sweep you in with great help from the chemistry of Weisz and Fraser.
Rating: 3.5 Martinis

THE CENTER OF THE WORLD
This one's just plain weird. A lonely computer wizard type millionaire, meets a stripper and offers her $10,000 to go with him to Vegas. She goes. But she goes with some rules that include; her "performing" for him from 10PM - 2AM only... oh, and no sex.

For three days (with all of the emotional highs and lows of this film it actually seems like a month) - they explore each other. Basically, it gets real freaky in their world and you can't help but feel like your some stinky stain-soaked neighbor peeking in on all of their deepest, darkest secrets.

The parts of this movie I liked, I really liked. But the parts I didn't like, well... I just got a really bad taste in my mouth. Kinda like when you eat Bleu Cheese. If that's what the film's creator (Wayne "Joy Luck Club" Wang) intended to do, well then good. He did it. But would I run out and see it again? Not really. But I do want to know how this film will be rated. There's one scene involving a lollypop and a lady that's a definite X rating.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

DRIVEN
What do you get when you cross Sylvester Stallone, Renny "Cliffhanger" Harlin and Gina Gershon? Bad. Bad. And more bad.

From Sly's non-slick screenplay to Harlin's obsession with race car groupies jiggling their assets, "Driven" drives itself into a wall and bursts into flames of STV syndrome (Straight To Video). Add to that, Gershon's bitchy character (that of Sly's ex wife) who is played so over the top, you feel the need to drop-kick those pouty lips. Bad acting points go out to all involved - including the good looking (but no Lawrence Olivier) - Til Schweiger.

The story goes... talented baby-faced rookie Jimmy Bly is cracking under pressure from his ambitious promoter brother (who you also want to hurt REAL bad). It doesn't help that Bly is hot for the girlfriend of his arch nemesis, the evil German racer Beau Brandenburg.
So in comes the Calvary with help from former racing star Joe Tanto (Sly) whose once-promising career spun out after a tragic accident that nearly killed him and another driver. Blah. Blah. Blah. You get the idea. It's the story of an old rookie coming in to help the young buck. Whatever. I'd have more fun getting a root canal than sitting through this high octane backfire.
Rating: 1.0 Martini

TOWN & COUNTRY
This started out funny enough to get my attention. But what begins as a clever little comedy about richer-than-sin married folks, ends up confusing, flat and disappointing - to say the least. Warren Beatty plays Porter Stoddard, a well-to-do architect whose 25 years of wedded bliss is interrupted when he fools around with a pretty cellist (Natasha Kinski). When his designer wife (Diane Keaton) discovers that her perfect man has dipped his stick in someone else, all heck breaks loose. Mmm-kay.

Like I said, this movie starts out fine and dandy with humor that's helped out by co-stars Goldie Hawn and Garry Shandling - but around the middle of Act II, it goes off the beaten path with useless to the story pop-up performances by Jenna Elfman, Charlton Heston and Andie "I Can't Act My Way Out of A Paper Bag" MacDowell. Nuff said? Nuff said. Although it has all the right intentions, "Town & Country" turns out to be nothing more than a preppy's guide to cheating on your spouse, while looking great in white linen suits.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

THE DISH
"The Dish" is based on the true events leading up to the 1969 space mission that marked mankind's first steps on the moon. In this historic trip, we meet a group of Australian technicians (led by Sam Neill) who rig up a satellite interface so NASA can televise the infamous walk on the moon. But it doesn't go as smoothly as planned, and thus the meaty portion of this movie begins.

Although it's perhaps one of the most amazing events in history, I just couldn't get caught up in all of the hoopla. And this may have been a huge event in the 60s and maybe it's a big deal to Aussies, but I found the whole thing a bit uninteresting. Maybe it was all the hi-tech talk. Maybe I'm just too young of a Betty to appreciate the magnitude of such an event. Maybe it's the water.

I really don't know why it didn't hit me as "extremely entertaining." It was a pleasant film with some lighthearted moments, but nothing Earth shattering.
Rating: 2.5 Martinis

JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS
This movie starts off cute enough. With a playful poke at the manufacturing of boy bands [like NSYNC and Backstreet Boys] and the overdose of product placement tie-ins, the new boys on the block are called Du Jour. And once they find out that they're merely pons in the chess game of marketing to America's youth, they mysteriously disappear in a plane crash. Enter Josie and the Pussycats, a trio of perky rock-n-rollers with enough lip gloss to smother all of Manhattan.

Josie (Rachael Leigh Cook), Melody (Tara Reid) and Val (Rosario Dawson) are busy playing dead-end gigs while dreaming of hitting it big... that is, until they become "discovered" by an evil band manager named Wyatt (Alan Cumming). Now it looks like their dreams really will come true. Ah, but at what price?

Although it has a nice message (i.e.; it's bad to peddle products at kids), Josie and The Pussycats is chock full of bad jokes, adult outfits no teen should ever attempt wearing and ditzy comments from the trio's drummer Melody that start off cute, but end up being more like nails on a chalkboard. Overall, I'd say it might be worth a rental on a rainy afternoon, but then again, I like pain.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

BEAUTIFUL CREATURES
Other critics may be poo-poo-ing this chick flick, but oh how I loved it! Just think "Bound" meets "Thelma and Louise" and you'll get an idea of what this witty and compelling dark comedy is all about.

We begin our journey as Petula (Rachel Weisz) is rescued from a brutal beating at the hands of her thug boyfriend by Dorothy (Susan Lynch), a woman whose own life is a total mess due to her abusive, junkie boyfriend. But while Dorothy is busy protecting her new pal, something goes horribly wrong, and the two become embroiled in a murderous plot that gets thicker by the minute.

"Beautiful Creatures" is not only beautifully shot, but beautifully told as the two female leads rely on each other's strengths to get them out of some sticky situations. It's almost a "girls on the run on the road" theme without the road. Sexy, seductive and brutally funny (despite its dark tone) "Beautiful Creatures" truly satisfies.
Rating: 4.5 Martinis

JOE DIRT
Let's just get to the point here, shall we? I hated this movie. Hated it! Not only is the story ludicrous, but David Spade's flat-lined, monotone voice bugged me so much, I didn't give a hoot what happened to his character. Okay, enough Spade bashing... so what's it all about? In a nutshell, Joe Dirt is a sad-sack janitor with a mullet hairdo and a dream to find the parents he lost at the Grand Canyon when he was eight-years-old. Feel those tears welling up yet? Don't get the hankies out just yet.

Now an adult, Joe hits the road alone in search of his folks. As his meandering search takes him all over the place, Joe leaves his babe of a gal-pal (Brittany Daniel) and ends up cleaning toilets in Los Angeles, where a shock-jock (Dennis Miller) brings Joe on his radio show to insult him. Which, by the way, is what most of this movie's about - insults followed by more insults. But as Joe's miserable life story unfolds on the air, the public becomes riveted and wants to know all about the fecal adventures of Joe Dirt. Yeah, right.
Rating: 1.0 Martini

KINGDOM COME
When the family patriarch dies at the dinner table, the members of a large and largely divided family head home to the South for his funeral. But as they gather for a three-day weekend of rememberin' and relatin', the biggest task left to tackle is that of settling their familial rifts and grudges.

Now this movie does has some redeeming qualities. It pulled in a great ensemble cast (that includes the funny and way under-used actress Loretta Devine). The film also stars LL Cool J, Vivica Fox, an over-the-top Jada Pinkett Smith and Whoopi Goldberg in a suprisingly serious role. And it also managed to create a few moments on screen that are somewhat humorous (the ballet shoes on Papa 'Smurf' Slocumb for example). But as we venture into the lives of this colorful family, the script and plot become far too predictable - to the point that the audience knows exactly where it's going to go and reluctantly follows it.
Rating: 2.5 Martinis

BLOW
Wow. Betty was indeed blown away by this hypnotically delicious film. Based upon the book by Bruce Porter, 'Blow: How a Small-Town Boy Made $100 Million with the Medellin Cocaine Cartel and Lost it All' (I see why they didn't use the same title for the movie!), BLOW is the true story of George Jung (Johnny Depp) who is currently serving a 15 year sentence for smuggling cocaine into the states with the help of famed drug lord Pablo Escobar.

Depp does a bang up job as George, the son of a sweet-natured construction worker (Ray Liotta) and an emotionally unavailable mother (Rachel Griffiths). From his early days at peddling pot on the beaches of sunny California, to his 35 billion-dollar-a-year pipeline to the Colombian cartels, George throws himself into his work. And he's damn good at it. So good in fact, if you bought coke in the late 70s and early 80s, odds are, it came from George.

While Depp's "George" may be the main focus of the film, other fine performances are brought in by Ray Liotta as his aging father, Paul (Pee-Wee) Reubens as his flaming gay business partner, Jordi Molla as his prison pal and Penelope Cruz as his coke-sniffing wife. And although Depp's weight gain in the end is a bit too padded in the belly, the film is still quite impressive in size, scope and delivery. See it!
Rating: 4.5 Martinis

SOMEONE LIKE YOU
Look, I like Ashley Judd. I really do. And she sure looks darn cute in her bra and panties, but can someone pa-lease help this girl pick a decent movie? In this Olestra light romantic comedy, Jane Goodale (Judd), is working on a TV talk show when she starts a steamy (yet rocky) relationship with the new executive producer (Greg Kinnear). Hmm, wonder why it's so rocky? Maybe perhaps because he still has a GIRLFRIEND?

Unfettered by such minute details, Jane pursues this dudly mate until their Hallmark card-esque courtship ends abruptly (ie; he goes back to the other chick that he never left). That's when the lightbulb flashes and Jane comes up with the idea that men are like cattle. The theory goes like this; a young stud will have a cow once, but then he's done with her and he needs a new cow. See ladies, that's why they never call us back.

So when Jane shares this hypothesis with a pal (Marisa Tomei) who happens to work at a men's magazine, she is instantly given (here's a shocker) an editorial column devoted solely to her twisted thoughts on the matter. I won't go any deeper into details after this happens 'cuz I won't spoil it for you, but let's face facts here... you get to see Hugh Jackman's naked, nubile and six packed abs and if you saw the trailer, well you've seen the whole darn movie.

Adapted from the novel Animal Husbandry by Laura Zigman, "Someone Like You" is a terribly average romantic comedy with a few moments of charm and chuckles as you witness this girl's Ally McBeal-like look at men. You see the signs way too early and you know exactly who she's gonna hook up with - the only thing you don't know is why this is important to see.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

ALONG CAME A SPIDER
Homicide detective Dr. Alex Cross (Morgan Freeman) returns. But much like his first romp in "Kiss The Girls" - he's just not in a great film. Not even a mediocre one for that matter.

Because a tech-savvy kidnapper digs his professional opinion on what a nutcase he is, Dr. Cross is thrown into an investigation into the swiping of a senator's daughter from an exclusive, high security school. In charge of the institution's security is Secret Service agent Jezzie Flannigan (Monica Potter), who's a dead-ringer for Julia Roberts with bleached blonde hair. Heck, she even sounds like Julia.

Now, if the filmmakers would've taken the "smart audience" approach, this could have been a decent film. But instead, after developing a complex story with enough twists and turns in the plot to choke a horse, they play the "dumb audience" game... spelling out everything. Case in point; when Dr. Cross finds the kidnapper's computer, it's locked by a password. After he magically comes up with the correct phrase he's then able to pull up all the details of the crime, including an ad for a farmhouse for sale - which is the very same place the kidnapper's hiding out.

Lots of these types of "discovery" scenes are played out and explained in brutal length, ultimately driving you past boredom. I ended up not giving a rat's patoot about who stole the kid - I just wanted my two hours back.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

TOO MUCH SLEEP
This film has been classified as a "comedy" about the misadventures of a security guard (Marc Palmieri) who's forced to take control of his life when he discovers his handgun is missing. Did he lose it, or did the beautiful girl on the bus steal it? Who cares?

This movie was so bad, I thought an undergrad film student replaced the real reel I was suppose to see with this jumbled mess. The only shining moments involve a Sopranos-esque guy who owns a deli named Eddie (Pasquale Gaeta). He's interesting. But the rest of the movie? It's as if they threw in as many "quirky" characters as they could inside a story that goes on and on. Save your ten bucks folks.
Rating: 1.0 Martini

15 MINUTES
Robert De Niro plays a cop investigating a murder that leads him and his newly found arson investigator pal (Edward Burns) into the violent path of a Czechoslovakian media-manipulating murderer and his buff Russian sidekick. Not only can these guys kill without breaking a sweat, but their also seeking their 15 minutes of fame. And this is the film's message; "Hey, it's America isn't it? Anybody with a shotgun can make the 11:00 news."

And as seen with the real life OJ Simpson case, when the media gets involved, a circus-like sensational atmosphere does develop - and the dastardly duo end up getting what they want - - a million bucks and an exclusive hot news story to exploit.

It's a great idea, but poorly executed. Written and directed by John Herzfeld ("2 Days in the Valley"), 15 MINUTES starts off as a slighty humorous mystery-suspense thriller. But after the slower than molasses pace and several bloated and blatant scenes of violence that are created for pure shock value, no amount of De Niros could save it.

Basically, the novelty of "the media is bad" idea gets real old, real quick. What you're left with is nothing more than shaky video footage and a moral-of-the-story that's driven to the point over and over and over again.
Rating: 1.5 Martinis

ENEMY AT THE GATES
Yummy. Not that I'm a huge fan of wartime flicks, but how can you resist the Adonis-like Jude Law and the oh-so-fine Joseph Fiennes? You can't! Okay, so the movie poster looks like these two are lovers... I'd have a talk with the "poster people" for that little boo-boo, but the film itself is really quite interesting.

We've seen the American experience with "Saving Private Ryan" (and even the German side with "Das Boot"), but with "Enemy at the Gates" we experience the POV from the Russian side of the WW2 battle against Hitler's powerful war machine. And it's indeed bloody. But while body parts litter the streets of Stalingrad, a unique story unfolds.

It's the true story of Vassili Zaitzev (Law), a Russian sniper who single-handedly kills over one hundred German soldiers and officers during the war. Realizing his propaganda value, Danilov (Fiennes), a political officer, builds up this humble soldier in the media to become a much-needed national hero and an icon for the troops to rally behind.

His fame, however, brings too much attention and forces him into a cat-and-mouse duel with the Nazi's best sharpshooter, Major Konig (Ed Harris). And now with the new found love of a fellow comrade in arms (Rachel Weisz), Vassili must use all of his instincts in order to survive.

Now, while the battlefield scenes are truly impressive, some of the gunfire does get a bit overwhelming. And they could've cut about 15 minutes off of the film to keep the pace up. But all in all, "Enemy" is still worth a ticket -- which, the last time I checked was about the the same as a down payment on a house!
Rating: 4.0 Martinis

WHEN BRENDAN MET TRUDY
Ah yes. Finally a film worth seeing! Here's the scoop; Living in Ireland, Brendan (Peter McDonald) is a semi nerdy teacher who sings in the choir and loves to watch movies. But his life is boring. That is, until he meets up with outrageous (and beautiful) Trudy (Flora Montgomery). But the timid film geek is totally unprepared for the passions offered by Trudy, who is actually a burglar. And that's where it gets real interesting.

Although we've never seen these two before (they ARE Irish actors) - the two work so well together on-screen with a chemistry that's purely contagious. And it's this very important aspect of the film that molds it into a charming romantic comedy that's fresh, hip and utterly irresistible. A must-see for anyone who's ever really been in love.
Rating: 4.0 Martinis

THE CAVEMAN'S VALENTINE
Although the fancy schmancy critic at Variety didn't embrace this film, I'm happy to report that in my eyes, this supernatural thriller will have you on the edge of your seat.

Samuel L. Jackson is on top of his craft as Romulus Ledbetter, a filthy, seemingly crazy street person who's haunted by visions and messages sent to him by an omnipotent evil force whom he believes is watching from atop Manhattan's Chrysler Building. One bitter cold night, Romulus finds a "Valentine" outside of his cave in the form of a dead man frozen stiff in a tree. Driven madly with a desire to discover who the true killer is, the disheveled Romulus (a brilliant Julliard-trained pianist) finds himself smack dab in the middle of an interesting murder mystery.

I'm happy to report that there are plenty of nice touches throughout this thriller and Jackson really does dive deep into the role. You can't help but follow his every move on screen. Add plenty of fantasy-fueled direction by Kasi Lemmons (Eve's Bayou) and you get a decent time out at the movies.
Rating: 4.0 Martinis

THE MEXICAN
Trust me, I'd love to tell you all about this movie starring beautiful Brad Pitt and jovial Julia Roberts. And you'd think that with such big stars (one is even up for an Oscar) that there'd be a huge press screening so I could deliver my take on the flick... But the powers that be at Dreamworks decided to only have a few "small screenings" for "bigger" press and well, little old Betty just didn't make the cut. Perhaps my invitation was lost in the mail. Ha!

So am I bitter? Hell yes! Even JoBlo's Movie Emporium got to see it. Now, his reviews are fun and all, but the last time I checked, Jo Blo wasn't considered a "big" press outlet. So, will I haul my fanny over to a theater and plunk down 10 bucks (plus 5 for parking) to see these two make googily eyes at each other? Ummm, no. Sad thing is, it's not getting horrific reviews. In fact, it's getting some decent kudos. It's just against my nature to be snubbed and then fork out a small fortune just to review a major studio's product. So there!
Rating: ? Martinis

3000 MILES TO GRACELAND
Well, the trailers looked good. I mean, who can resist a bunch of Elvis impersonators heading to Vegas so they can rip off a casino? Trust me, you should resist it.

This LONG and tedious trip into an utterly senseless amount of violence only makes me wonder what Kurt Russell was smoking when he accepted the role and it confirms my total disdain for Kevin Costner. In this horrific film, the two play good bad guy (Russell) and really bad guy (Costner) in a shoot-em-up catastrophe that looks more like Waterworld with sequins than any sort of decent action film. Again, it may look fun in the trailers, but it adds up to nothing more than a mound of rotting roadkill.

The only thing worth the wasted two + hours I endured so I could review this film was the numerous shots of Courteney Cox in her "thong, tho thong, thong, thong." Even then, her character is so all over the place, you just want to sling her back to her "Friends" in TV land from whence she came.
Rating: 1.5 Martinis

IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE
First off, if you live in a small town, too bad. You probably won't even get to see this movie. But in case you do have it showing in your city, here's the run-down...

Set in 1962 Hong Kong, director Wong Kar-Wai introduces us to Chow Mo-Wan (Tony Leung), the editor-in-chief of a local newspaper, who's moving into a new building with his wife (who we never see). He soon meets his neighbor, Su Li-Zhen (played by the stunning Maggie Cheung), who has also just moved into the building with her husband (who we also never see). The two become close friends as both of their spouses are always gone on "business." But when the two neighbors discover that their significant others are fooling around with each other, an unusual and torrid relationship ensues.

Now this movie is beyond beautiful (even Cheung's wardrobe is to die for!) featuring a magnificent musical score that invokes weeping violins and a pace that is slow, yet precise. The only thing is, the ending leaves you so baffled, you wonder who the heck edited this thing. All the gorgeous shots of the two tortured souls almost goes to waste due to the confusing final scenes. What a shame too. Still, it's worth a look-see for you artsy fartsy folks out there.
Rating: 3.0 Martinis

SAVING SILVERMAN
Okay. I'll pull off this Band-Aid as fast as I can. This film is your run-of-the-mill goof fest that follows the now miserable life of Darren Silverman (Jason Biggs) who is being manipulated into marrying a woman (Amanda Peet) that is so vile, you wanna throw a plate at her.

But never fear - Darren's buddies (played by Jack Black and Steve Zahn), try to save him from this fate by kidnapping his current nightmare of a girlfriend and reuniting him with his long lost love. Of course, all sorts of things go wrong (like the plot) and in the end you're left with nothing more than two hours stolen from your life.
Rating: 1.0 Martinis

MONKEYBONE
Yawn. Yet another loser here folks! In this feeble attempt to mix stop-animation fantasy with real actors, Monkeybone revolves around a sleep deprived cartoonist (Brendan Fraser) who hits the big time when his repressed alter ego (an obnoxious monkey) becomes a TV icon.

After he slips into a coma, he's then trapped in DownTown - a sort of freak show in limbo land that's nestled between life and death. What's our beautiful Brendan to do? Now he needs to find a way to return to the real world so he can tell his girlfriend (Bridget Fonda) that he loves her. Whatever.

One bright spot is SNL's Chris Kattan, playing a gymnast who dies after breaking his neck and is now in the middle of having his organs taken out. But even his well timed comedic reactions couldn't help this sad sack of sap. Although it tries desperately to be Beetlejuice, Monkeybone fails to provide any real interesting characters that you want to root for. The good news? Brendan still looks hot in a tight T-shirt.
Rating: 1.0 Martini

VALENTINE
Oh shit this movie's bad. I'm talking REAL bad. And it all starts with the plot; A group of four far-too-perky college girls find out that making fun of one of their nerdy classmates can be deadly.

Of course, the nerd grows into a stud and he unleashes some nasty revenge on the dippy chicks - which includes a faboo jacuzzi slaughter of Denise Richards. That alone was worth the two hours this movie stole from my life!

But it just continues to get dumber and dumber and you just want to hurt that person sitting next to you who asked you to go to the movie in the first place. "Angel's" David Boreanaz also stars as a looney guy in love, who ... now, I won't spoil it for you - but you can't help but think of him as a suspect... everybody in this movie is guilty. Guilty of making a horrible horror flick.
Rating: 1.0 Martini

THE WEDDING PLANNER
I admit that I went to see this film with a lot of doubt. Matthew McConaughey is cute, but he's no comic genius, and well, Jennifer Lopez as a wedding planner? I mean, what bride in their right mind would let their future hubby lay eyes on Senorita Sexy?

But while sitting there with my arms crossed over my chest, in a "you better please me" attitude, I was surprisingly amused. Well, not by the film or the story or the script so much, but by Jennifer. She's charming enough to make up for anything Matt lacks and beyond being stunning to look at, she's got some decent comic timing.

But alas, with all that she does add to the film, she can't do everything - and The Wedding Planner stumbles on several levels with contrived dialogue and a grand finale that's been seen in more movies than Roger Ebert.

The story goes like this - Mary Fiore (Lopez) is the most prestigious wedding planner in San Francisco, but she’s too busy to have a love life of her own. While celebrating her most lucrative account—the wedding of an internet tycoon (Bridgette Wilson-Sampras)—Mary's rescued from a near-fatal collision with a runaway dumpster by handsome Dr. Steve Edison (McConaughey).

You don't need a degree to figure out wat happens next. It's pure fluff and for fluff sake it's worth a matinee ticket or a cheap date. Just don't expect this film to be a marriage made in heaven.
Rating: 2.5 Martinis and an extra olive for Jennifer's nifty wardrobe!

SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE
It's creepy. It's kooky. It's alltogether spooky. And what a performance by Willem Dafoe! We begin the terror as famed director F W Murnau (John Malkovich) is making the now-classic silent film, "Nosferatu" on location in Eastern Europe. Determined to make this the most authentic vampire movie ever, Murnau employs a real bonafide blood sucker known as Max Schreck (Dafoe). But when crew members turn up dead and the pale creature/man begins to display Vampiric tendencies,all hell breaks loose on the set.

Of course, the committed director (who also happens to have a hearty appetite for heroine) tries to calm everyone's frazzled nerves by explaining that Schreck is just a seasoned method actor. Those true thespians are always living through the craft! And as payment for the role, Schreck's promised the drug addicted leading lady, Greta (Catherine McCormack). But like most men, Schreck can't wait to get his teeth into the lovely starlette and, well... that's where it gets real interesting.

Although some of the film takes long trips to the point of the matter, this film is a real showcaser for Dafoe, who looks so much like the real life Schreck, you wonder if he hasn't been sipping some piping hot plasma himself. A must see performance!
Rating: 4.5 Martinis

THE GIFT
Set in a small town in Georgia, THE GIFT is the story of Annie Wilson (Cate Blanchett), a widowed psychic trying to raise three young sons on a dime. To make money, she offers card readings to the troubled townspeople (played by Hilary Swank and Giovanni Ribisi). But not everybody in town thinks she's "gifted." Things get worse when the wealthy, beautiful, and sexually promiscuous Jessica King (Katie Holmes) is found missing and everybody becomes a suspect, including her clean-cut fiancé (played by Greg Kinnear).

But when the police are short on leads, they reluctantly turn to Annie for clues and now she must not only uncover Jessica's killer, but stop him before she becomes the next victim.

Directed by Sam Raimi and cowritten by Billy Bob Thornton and Tom Epperson, THE GIFT becomes a hypnotic thriller due to one major force; Cate Blanchett. The Aussie actress is so damn good, you don't care that the story is predictable or that Keanu Reeves is terribly miscast as the abusive redneck boyfriend of Hilary Swank's nervous character.

Just try to catch Cate's native accent. Just watch her eyes carefully when she's being threatened or see her play with her watch before engaging in the readings...she's marvelous and magnificent and sure to be nominated for an Oscar for her riveting portrayal and attention to detail.
Rating: 4.0 Martinis

THE PLEDGE
Jack Nicholson plays Jerry Black, a retired Nevada homicide detective who becomes obsessed with his last official murder case after pledging to the victim's mother that he'd find her daughter's killer.

What starts out as a single murder of a little girl quickly becomes a serial scenario with danger lurking around any 8-year-old blonde girls who like to wear red dresses. But Jerry's determined to uncover the truth. In fact, he's so committed to catching the creep, he actually befriends a woman in town (Robin Wright Penn) who has a girl matching the same description of the victims. He also buys a gas station and sets the girl up with a swingset - facing the highway!

Director Sean Penn takes a slow paced (but engaging nonetheless) route to expose a myriad of potential suspects. Penn, who previouslly collaborated with Nicholson on "The Crossing Guard," also enlists the talents of Benicio Del Toro, Michael O'Keefe and Sam Shepherd, but most of the light shines bright on Jack, who carries the film from the beginning.

Now, I had a few problems with the fact that this guy would actually use a little girl as bait - and it does move slowly, but overall I was pleased with the film. We see a softer (albeit determined) side of Jack that we haven't seen in a while and the fact that everyone's a suspect does manage to keep you in suspense. Just realize that the subject matter is quite dark and the ending may not be all that satisfying. But Nicholson is still worth watching.
Rating: 3.5 Martinis

CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON
I just don't get it. My fellow film critics are slobbering all over this thing like it was the Second Coming. Maybe it's the robes. Maybe it's the walking on water bit. It can't be the script.

Chow Yun Fat stars as a legendary martial artist who gives his sword, the Green Destiny, to a longtime friend/leader in Beijing, asking Yu Shu Lien (the lovely Michelle Yeoh) to deliver it for him. Soon after she does, the sword is stolen, leading to an exhaustive search for the thief in the night. Now I will say there's a nice underlying love thang going on between Fat and Yeoh's characters, but aside from that, the film failed to "W0W!" me.

Sure there's tons of Matrix-like mid air kicks and swell darkly lit Peter Pan moments where warriors dance across the rooftops of ancient China - - but we've already seen Keanu bend over backward and well, it just gets a bit tiring after awhile. Entertainment Weekly may think that Crouching Tiger is "one of best movies of the year" but this Betty thinks it's mediocre at best.
Rating: 2.5 Martinis

TRAFFIC
Some may think that a movie about our nation's "war on drugs" couldn't be all that interesting. We've all seen "Scarface" and "Gia" and we all know that mind-altering substances can be dangerous - even deadly. But other than the glorious way in which it's shot, the true beauty of this film is that director Steven Soderbergh and writer Stephen Gaghan never really pass judgment on their characters or the situations they find themselves in.

From the newly appointed U.S. drug czar (Michael Douglas) with his constant need for a stiff scotch - to his drug experimenting daughter (Erika Christensen) to the dutiful wife of a drug trafficker (Catherine Zeta Jones) to the overwhelmed Mexican cop (Benicio Del Toro) - - "Traffic" is hypnotic, thought-provoking and delivers the goods on several levels.

Soderbergh, who also shot the film, unveils the drama beginning with the Tijuana tale drenched in a grainy, gritty and somewhat dark style, while the American angles are both bright and shiny and full of color. Undoubtedly, an intentional spin on our nation's view of our Spanish-speaking neighbor which is often other-worldly and less than.

Though there are some moments that fail - like when a mui pregnanto Zeta-Jones walks into a Tijuana drug den by herself to hawk a line of dolls that dissolve into pure cocaine when placed in water...and the downward spiral of Douglas' on-screen daughter (Christensen) goes on far too long...for the most part, "Traffic" flies off the screen.

Much of the film's success is due to Del Torro, who gives one of the finest performances I've seen. The film also asks an interesting question; How do you fight a war on drugs when the people that you love are the enemy? Such is the dilemma we all need to ask ourselves.
Rating: 4.25 Martinis

O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU?
Okay. My guess here is - you're either gonna love this movie or hate it. Why? Because unlike the normal Hollywood slop, this film talk down to the audience and it doesn't try to pander to some prime demographic chart. Most American movies we see, do. Personally, I was impressed by the risks the Coen Brothers (masterminds behind Fargo and Raising Arizona) took to deliver this Deliverance-infused version of Homer's epic poem The Odyssey. Yep. I really dug it.

Set in Mississippi in the struggling economic times of the 1930s, we meet three escaped convicts (played by George Clooney, John Turturro, and Tim Blake Nelson) who travel across the South, meeting a bizarre cast of characters along the way.

Now, the entire cast does a fine job here, but it's Clooney who comes up smelling so rosy. Looking more like Clark Gable than perhaps Clark himself, Clooney is absolutely riveting to watch. From his constant obsession with his greased down hair to his positively powerful usage of proper vernacular (he uses fancy words), Clooney hits the screen with a contagious bundle of energy you can't help but get caught up in.

And the music! Even if you're not a big fan of country, blues or bluegrass, you'll be hard pressed not to tap your toes to these terrific tunes. In fact, it's this blend of down-home music and on-screen madness that make O Brother... one comedy you don't want to miss.
Rating: 5.0 Martinis

REQUIEM FOR A DREAM
Holy shit. What a trippy, depressing and brilliant movie this is. Told through the hipnotic eye of dark director, Darren Aronofsky (PI), "Requiem" not only sucks you in, but it snorts you up and smokes you to a crisp.

Adapted from Hubert Selby's 1968 novel-- Aronofsky serves up a frenetic and disturbing style with driving music and surreal shots that shuffle the stories of people whose lives are full of despair. Much like Romeo and Juliet, Harry Goldfarb (Jared Leto) and Marion Silver (Jennifer Connelly) are young lovers with dreams of spending the rest of their lives in each other's arms: But they're also desperate heroin addicts. His mother, Sara Goldfarb (played marvelously by Ellen Burstyn), is addicted to the "Tappy Tibbons Show," when she learns that she's been selected to appear on an upcoming broadcast. But when she can't fit into her best dress, she becomes hooked on diet pills ("uppers"). And Tyrone (Marlon Wayans), is Harry's buddy, who is also facing his own nightmare. Basically, everybody is majorly screwed.

So if you want to see an uplifting film, stay away from this bad boy. But if you want to see an artfully crafted and psychologically disturbing mini masterpiece, this is your film.
Rating: 5.0 Martinis

QUILLS
There's nothing I like more than a juicy, saucy romp of smut (shocker) and this movie delivers it with thrusts of passion and precision to spare. Oscar shoe-in, Geoffrey Rush, plays the Marquis de Sade, the legendary over-indulgent sex scribe of his time (late 1700's) who defied his imprisonment in an insane asylum to pour out even more lusty tales of copulation and domination. Hmm, my kind of guy. But alas, he wasn't Napolean's idea of an artiste.

So he's now under the control of one sweet priest (Joaquin Phoenix) and a ruthless doctor (Michael Caine) who both want him to stop his evil ways. But with the help of a kind and intrigued chambermaid (Kate Winslet) the Marquis continues to share his revelations until his bloody last breath, becoming a literary smash hit in the process. How's that for poetic justice? Okay, so it's not a happy-go-lucky flick. It's dark, tragic and oh so good. See it!
Rating: 4.5 Martinis

CAST AWAY
Um... I just have to be blunt. "Cast Away" is a long, drawn-out tale of a workaholic Fed Ex exec named Chuck (Tom Hanks) who gets stuck on a deserted island with no food, no supplies and well, no story.

An obvious overachiever, Chuck leaves his Christmas dinner (and his girlfriend - played vacantly by Helen Hunt) to go take care of some urgent package problem in Malaysia. En route, the plane goes down (granted, in one of the best plane crash scenes I've seen). I only wish the rest of the movie was as riveting to watch. But he's now washed up on shore and we begin the arduous 2.5 hour long journey. Yes, this movie is so long, you'd think that Hanks and Robert Zemeckis (director) were delivering Forest Gump II or something. In fact, when he's fully bearded with that long Rastafarian hair, Hanks looks just like his distance-running Gump character.

And sure, we learn a lot of useless information about how anal FedEx is, how to rub two sticks together to make fire, how to make shoes out of pants and how to drink water off a leaf...but does this a movie make? Didn't we already see this on Swiss Family Robinson and TV's Survivor? Hell, I found more emotion with those productions than this film.

Take for example the fact that when Chuck washes up on the island he's hungry, he's scared and he's all alone. But he never really breaks down. You never get a sense of his fear or desperation. Now, if you or I were stuck on some patch of jungle for 4 damn years, you know we'd go bonkers. All this guy has are his Fed Ex packages (which have conveniently washed ashore with him), but get this - he doesn't open all the packages!

There's one with some gold wings on it that he just can't bring himself to open. But he hauls it all the way back to the states on his rickety raft, now doesn't he? What if it was an inflatable boat or a flare gun or a nudie magazine? And when Chuck does get back to society and finds his girlfriend's now married (to their dentist no less!) with a kid, he still doesn't freak out. The moral of the story? Spend time with your loved ones, don't fly to Malaysia on Christmas day and FedEx doesn't always deliver on time.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

ANTITRUST
Milo (Ryan Phillippe) is your everyday young computer genius who is living with his artsy-fartsy girlfriend (Claire Forlani). But just as he's ready to launch a start-up company with a friend, he’s recruited by NURV, a multi-billion dollar corporation, run by his nerdy hero, Gary Winston (Tim Robbins).

But it's only a matter of time before playing with the kilobytes and future of mankind gets a bit spooky for Milo, and he realizes that Winston will stop at nothing to control the world's information. What follows is a cat and mouse-ish game of who's going to come out on top. The Bill Gates-like corporate monster or the cute guy with blonde hair? Does it matter?

There's enough computer geek speak in this film to choke a programmer and the gizmos are pretty impressive, but beyond a digital painting that changes to the likes of anyone who walks in the room, this film left me a tad flat. In short, the script is pretty predictable
and most of the big moments are wasted by being done way over the top. Rachael Leigh Cook is also thrown in as a potential love interest but even that never pans out. Rating: 2.0 Martinis

PROOF OF LIFE
It's around the holidays that I realize one important fact; I may love all the ingredients that make up a fruitcake (the almonds, pineapple, dates, cherries, etc.), but I just can't stand the damn fruitcake itself.

I adore Russell Crowe's on-screen magnetism. Adore it. And who can forget what Meg Ryan had for lunch in "When Harry Met Sally"? But "Proof of Life" is about as original as a member of Menudo, and it's water logged with a heavily awkward script right from the get-go.

An American engineer (Peter Morse) is kidnapped in Latin America, leaving his wife (Ryan) with a $3 million ransom tab. Then along comes our hunkable ''K&R'' (that's kidnap and ransom, ma'am) negotiator, Terry Thorne (Crowe) who looks real good in a tank top. And he won't stick his neck out for just anybody - that is, until he meets up with Goldilocks, who also looks real good in a tank top... Blah, blah, blah.

What we really want to know is what happened off camera. The highly public affair between Ryan and Crowe that led to the highly public divorce of Ryan and former hubby Dennis Quaid had the makings of a Liz Taylor/Richard Burton fiasco. But all the fireworks in the world couldn't help this puppy, which quickly becomes tiresome and even boring at times. Rating: 2.75 Martinis