REIGN OF FIRE
Despite a plethora of CGI winged Godzillas, an impressive Christian Bale and a bicep endowed Matthew McConaughey, Reign of Fire really ends up being a smoldering stew with a few sparks thrown in for good measure.

The plot? In 2010 fire breathing dragons take over the world -- personally, I'm more concerned about corporate executives - but anywho -- this saint named Quinn (Bale) has a firsthand sliming as a child from the grand daddy of dragoons and years later he devotes his life to keeping a ragtag community alive. Then stomps in hotshot American Van Zan (McConaughey) who claims he's the captain of this here football game. Even though Earth is scorched beyond recognition, the Americans still have gas to fly helicopters in the unfriendly skies and are apparently electronically well-equipped.

What follows is a so-so sci-fi romp into something that could've been mindless fun at the matinee. Just as you start to fall for the insanity of the plot and you swallow the testosterone induced McConaughey, he's given an exit that's so weak, you can't help but feel cheated by a predictable and stale ending. And Bale's genuine talent just drowns in a sea of mediocrity. Nuff said?
Rating: 1.5 Martinis

NOTORIOUS C.H.O.
Yipee skipee the self described Fag Hag Bjork of Comedy (Margaret Cho) delivers the goods once again. In this brutally honest (even intimate at times) follow-up to "I'm The One That I Want" charming Cho works her real life escapades into a stand-up act that'll make your stomach hurt with laughter. And it's good dirty humor too. In this concert film that was taped in Seattle last year, Cho gets raunchy on sex with boys and girls and anyone who'll turn her freak on.

And while there are a few bumps in the beginning, the rest of the ride is a refreshing and jaw dropping chit-chat with a serious look at gay rights and life after 9-11. Simply put - Margaret rocks!
Rating: 4.0 Martinis

MEN IN BLACK II
What's that old saying about remakes? Oh yeah, they usual suck. And while this one doesn't completely grow into a Hoover - it did destroy any desire I had for a Men in Black III. Did the novelty wear off? Maybe - all I know is something smells funky up in here.

Sure Agents K and J soak up their return in the traditional nifty suits and "neuralizer" shades -- but this time around K (Tommy Lee Jones) lost all of his good lines and J (Will Smith) sports a new attitude adjustment that comes off flat and offbeat. Personally, I liked him better when he was a rookie. I also liked the only real highlight in this film (the lovely and TOTALLY underused Rosario Dawson) but alas, she was written into the script like a side dish.

But don't even let me get started on the product placement! Men In Black nowadays may drive plush rides (thank you Mercedes Benz) but all I want for the price of my $9.00 ticket is some intelligent fun. Sorry freaky fans...MIB is MIA (Missing In Action)."
Rating: 1.5 Martinis

MR. DEEDS
In this sloppy (and far more violent) remake of the 1936 Frank Capra classic MR. DEEDS GOES TO TOWN, Adam Sandler plays well, Adam Sandler. He's supposed to be this guy named Deeds who hails from tiny Mandrake Falls, New Hampshire. Life is simple as a hex bolt until he inherits a massive media corporation from his wealthy and ultimately popsicled uncle.

Oh and apparently chicks like Babe Bennet (phoned in by Winona Ryder) love it when you start cracking skulls. Deeds takes care of problems by smashing people's heads in tables and popping them in the mouth - and yet he ends up injecting his small town values into the corporate elite world of New York. Whatever. To me, Mr. Deeds was more like Mr. Duds
Rating: 1.0 Martini

MINORITY REPORT
Hmmm. How do I put this? Okay. Ever get a gift from your mom and it's all wrapped up in this amazingly fun paper, with tons of curly ribbon and zippy little toys on the outside? Then when you open it up -- it's a glass chess set? And you don't even play chess! In fact you think people who play chess are probably not much fun at parties? Well Steven Spielberg just made me pay for that same damn chess set.

It starts out cool enough - with high tech gizmos galore, a buff Tom Cruise and a sneak peek into the bleak future where police can arrest you for a murder you haven't even committed yet. Your eyes just swallow up the scenery and it's perfectly timed as our own civil liberties are being sucked down the toilet due to "security" measures. And for that, the original short story writer, Philip K. Dick, should be given a Big Mac or something...but as the story unfolds you can't help but feel manipulated by a predictable climax and an ending that will leave you ill.

While I couldn't get a pulse off of Cruise Inc., Spielberg's direction is indeed creepy and cool. And kudos go out to and the head special effects honcho and the production designer also get a thumbs up - but everybody else barely passes with a C+.
Rating: 2.5 Martinis

JUWANNA MANN
I wanted to hate this film. I even came in with my arms crossed and that big line down the middle of my forehead. But somehow it managed to get wiped right off my face. Nunez plays Jamal Jeffries - an obnoxious, ball-hogging, pro basketball player that is sooo spoiled... next to him Dennis Rodman looks like the Pope. When the bad attitude gets him canned he winds up having to dress up like a gal in order to make a living. Don't we all? Silly premise perhaps but there are fun moments to be had in this light comedic fare.

Transforming Jamal into a force to be reckoned with named "Juwanna Mann," Nunez does a bang-up job convincing you that he's all woman. Of course, it's no surprise when he falls for his team captain Michelle Langford (Vivica A. Fox) - and yes, the script should've been majorly tweaked --- but for me it was worth a look-see. Especially when rapper Puff Smokey Smoke (Tommy Davidson) makes his moves on Juwanna. For every one among us whose had unwanted advances, you'll appreciate seeing this sports-celebrity brat get in touch with his feminine side.
Rating: 3.5 Martinis

WINDTALKERS
In 1941 when U.S. forces were embroiled in a bitter and bloody battle in the Pacific, the Japanese were continually able to break U.S. military codes - it came down the fact that if they kept breaking the codes, we'd lose the war. But just as our fate looked dismal, hundreds of Navajo American Indians volunteered to risk their lives and become Marines - using their native language as a new code.

When Marine Joe Enders (Nicolas Cage) is assigned to protect Ben Yahzee (Adam Beach) - a Navajo code talker, he's given orders are to protect the code at all costs. Even if his protectee were to fall into enemy hands.

Now this film has one thing working for it - Adam Beach. He's beautiful and striking to watch - even if he has a lame script to work with. Now, Nicolas Cage has this weird infecting sense about him and this uncomfy oddity oozes onto the screen. You just want to send him to a shrink. Add to that, director John Woo's over-the-top-slow-mo action with an overworked musical score and you get a so-so flick about an important historical event. Shame too because the story is ripe with possibilities - it's just the messenger that you end up wanting to shoot.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

SCOOBY DOO
Hardcore fans of the original Scooby Doo cartoon will be happy to know much of the translation has been kept in tact in this genetically modified live action/CGI feature film. Problem is, we all know the original series was atrociously bad TV. Us 30-somethings were just kids when it first became a hit and what the hell did we know? Back then, PONG and Moon Sticks were all the rage and silly toons like Scooby Doo could become hits - it was the 70s - but that doesn't mean it was any good - let alone good enough to make a film out of it.

So how did this one deliver? In this version we're reunited with Fred (played by Dullsvile carbon copy Freddie Prinze Jr.), Daphne (Sarah Michelle Geller), Velma (played well by Linda Cardellini) and Shaggy (who is literally channeled by Mathew Lillard). Scooby's there too although now he's hip and modern and digitally Doo-ified.

While the likeness is uncanny and the kids might giggle at flatulence fights and scratch their tiny brains at any remnant of Velma-fied lesbian overtones... there are few moments adults can enjoy, especially when the film pokes fun at itself. But those are few and far between and let's face it - moments do not a faboo movie make. Me thinks Scooby Doo needs a super duper pooper scooper.
Rating: 2.5 Martinis

THE DIVINE SECRETS OF THE YA-YA SISTERHOOD
In this book-turned-chick-flick we meet a dysfunctional matriarchal-led Southern family who's put back together thanks to the help of a group of lifelong friends called the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Sandra Bullock plays the young distant (way distant) playwright who discovers the truth about her eccentric mother (played by both Ashley Judd and Ellen Burstyn).

While this is a semi-sweet film that some women will be able to analyze and digest, I'm guessing most men will roll their eyes and sympathize with James Garner's character - the quiet and meek hubby to Burstyn's overbearing character. And even though the chemistry between the veteran buddies (which include Maggie Smith, Fionnula Flanagan and Shirley Knight) is a breath of fresh air - - Bullock's role seems to be a phoned in performance. That's not to say that you should throw out the baby with the bath water...
For all of the missed opportunities this film does stumble upon, I still think it's redeemed by the stand out performances of Judd and Burstyn - two amazing actresses that manage to shine among some murky waters.
Rating: 3.0 Martinis

UNDERCOVER BROTHER
Holy platforms! He's dressed to pimp and he's got one bad-ass afro pick. Undercover Brother (played by Eddie Griffin) is one of those rare comedies where you can just let it all hang out and laugh at the nutty black and white stereotypes (and everything in between) without worrying about being politically incorrect. Never taking itself seriously, "UB" keeps up the guffaws and cool comic moves with an unapologetic and irreverent style that actually works wonders in the laugh department.

Based on Urban Media's popular website series, our polyester hero gets recruited to stop a sinister plan headed by The Man who will stop at nothing to keep America "pure" with Operation Whitewash. But fear not, after hooking up with Sistah Girl (played by the stunning Aunjanue Ellis), all Mr. Brother's got to do is infiltrate Penelope Snow aka White She Devil (Denise Richards) and get in the groove of a revolution. Can you dig it? If you have a pulse I'm betting you most certainly will!
Rating: 4.0 Martinis

STAR WARS EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES
Oy vay! The things I endure! Has George Lucas had one pod race too many? It certainly seems that way with this being the weakest link yet of the Star Wars franchise.

Attack of the Drones (okay, Clones) takes place ten years after THE PHANTOM MENACE. All of the fearless crew are back including grumpy Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) and a robotic voiced Padmé Amidala (Natalie Portman). There's also the not-so-little Anakin Skywalker who grew up to be the not-so-good actor Hayden Christensen. But it's not all his fault actually, the Caveman-like script reads like a bad teen porno.

What's the story? Since it didn't matter much to Mr. Lucas, there is none, really. But there are plenty of drawn out battle scenes and an awkwardly acted love thang between Skywalker and Amidala. [wagging finger] Ain't no way these two should be the future parents of Luke. They shouldn't even be allowed to reproduce! Now while some die hard R2-D2 groupies may get a charge, I personally thought the whole thing was one big digital disaster.
Rating: 1.5 Martinis

UNFAITHFUL
Here's a steamy cup of tea that'll leave you moist. From the bad boy (director Adrian Lyne) who brought you the bunny boiling "Fatal Attraction" comes an erotic thriller about one woman's guilty spiral (more like a full-on sprint) into infidelity.

Now, Richard Gere does a fine job as her loving albeit somewhat boring hubby, but there's just something about Diane Lane (rent "A Walk on the Moon") that makes you want to clone her. She's methodical and magical and she just oozes sensuality. Her hot co-star (Olivier Martinez) ain't too hard on the eyes either - but it's Lane's languid looks of both confusion and titillation that makes this film work. So the ending is kinda dull - hell, after all that hot sex, who cares?
Rating: 4.0 Martinis

SPIDER-MAN
So does all the hype match up to the actual flick? Well, where this film falls short in the witty department, Spider-Man himself, Tobey Maguire, makes up for it with plenty of grace and charm.

In this film version of the Marvel legend, we meet mild mannered high school student Peter Parker - who is nerdy, painfully shy and about to save the world. While his romantic skills and social life are on the verge of being extinct, he stumbles upon greatness after he's bitten by a genetically altered super spider. Oh yeah, he also stumbles (a lot) around his long time secret love, Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst).

In a style that blends comic book flavored live action with CGI special effects, director Sam Raimi shoots to please and succeeds - for the most part. But the film's true hero is behind the suit. Even with the so-so script and computer animated boo-boos, Spider-Man turns out to be a swinging good time thanks to Maguire's ability to take Spidey out of the comic book and into your heart.
Rating: 3.5 Martinis

DEUCES WILD
This depressing little ditty is set in the summer of 1958 when Brooklyn was knee deep in sweltering heat that mixed with blood on the streets. As rumbles took over the hood, kids with pompadours took to killing each other with the all American weapon - a baseball bat. Ultimately it boils down to a fight for power between the leader of the Deuces (Stephen Dorff) and the creepy captain of the Vipers (played well by Norman Reedus).

If I had to describe this flick, I'd say it was a bad breed between West Side Story and The Jr. Sopranos. You know, tough guys who look real good in leather jackets. And if Brad Renfro's wide gaping mouth wasn't enough to make me wanna bolt, I just got tired of seeing punk boy/men beat the crap out of each other. To top it off, the overkill of slow motion shots made it look more like Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video than a feature film.

Okay, so the somewhat interesting love angle with Faruiza Balk and Renfro wasn't too bad - but you've got to get sucker punched a gagillion times before that happens - and by then you're looking for the exit.
Rating: 1.0 Martinis

LIFE OR SOMETHING LIKE IT
Life. What's it all about? In this case, the random acts one does in order to better ones self in the pursuit of money, admiration or idolatry. In other words, it's the perfect metaphor for Hollywood.

Lanie Kerrigan (Angelina Jolie) is a rising reporter at a Seattle TV station who thinks she has it all. She's on TV. She's a size 2. She's dating a professional ba$eball player... but it all turns upside down when a homeless prophet (terrific Tony Shalhoub) predicts her death in one week's time. At first, Lanie can't believe that her "perfect" life is about to get tossed - but when all of his other predictions come true, she begins to do her impression of "It's A Wonderful Life." This includes rekindling a relationship with a cocky cameraman (Edward Burns)... who, by the by, has flatliner (zilcho) sexual energy.

Anywho, while this is far from Academy Award fodder and whoever wrote the title should be flogged, Angelina does manage to make the most of it. In fact, Jolie's personal charm far outweighs Burns and anything written in the script. Just give in to the fact that you'll end up gushing all over the Marilyn Monroe-itized Jolie. Oh, and Stockard Channing has a marvelous 30 seconds when she's asked if being a Barbra Walters type A personality has been worth losing out on love and family. She's just brillaint in Betty's book!
Rating: 3.0 Martinis

THE SCORPION KING
Inspired by the franchise possibilities of the wrestler-turned-warrior we met in The Mummy Returns, The Scorpion King is what we call in the industry "a popcorn flick." That means we'd never pay $8.50 to see it, but it's not bad for a free screening.

We begin 5000 years back in the city of Gomorrah, where your typical evil ruler (Ralf Moeller) is determined to wipe out any sort of freedom in the desert. His evil rampage is fueled by the psychic gifts of a sexy sorceress (the lovely and naked Kelly Hu) and victory is his until the eyebrow raising (and visually stunning) Mathayus (The Rock) enters the enemy tent. And it's not too long before he throws her on his camel - swoon! - and takes her deep into the desert night. Reads kinda like a cheap trashy novel huh? I know, but even though the writing wreaks of Fabio, you can't help but get sucked in.

The first thing that yanked me back into reality was the horrific make-up job on Michael Clarke Duncan. Note to you studio people: Please look at the dailies after you shoot. Meow kitty! So, while it's far from any Raiders of The Lost Ark, The Scorpion King does deliver a few fun seconds and lots of swords and sweat.... oh, and enough skin shots of the ever-so hot Mr. Rock.
Rating: 3.0 Martinis

MURDER BY NUMBERS
So what happens when a homicide detective (Sandra Bullock) and her new partner (Ben Chaplin) uncover a by-the-book trail of murder evidence leading to two teens suspects (Ryan Gosling, Michael Pitt)? The audience is asked this question only to answer back, "Why am I watching this?" With so many teens taking out people as if they were their picking their teeth - why do we need a 2 hour flick on the subject? The truth is we don't. And we don't get any further into the twisted minds of teens who are bored with being decent. Still, there's something intriguing about watching a train wreck.

While many of the murder mystery points get muddled among U- turns in this film, the audience still hangs on. Partly because they adore Bullock. And you gotta hand it to her for a gutsy move into dark murky waters. But heroics aside, Murder By Numbers just doesn't add up.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

THE SWEETEST THING
This was painful. If you took "There's Something About Mary" and genetically spliced it with low cut stretch jeans and strappy sandals, you'd get this movie. In fact, if it wasn't for co-star Christina Applegate's impressive comedic presence (her impression of Julia Roberts is DEAD on! ) I don't know if I could've made it through the whole film.

After years of playing the snog-em-and-leave-em game with men, Christina Walters (Cameron Diaz) meets the guy of her dreams (Thomas Jane). But being the consummate bachelorette that she is, she informs her gal pals Courtney (Christina Applegate) and Jane (Selma Blair) that he doesn't mean a thing and that she still wants to play the field. Oh, but you see, she does want him and when she finds out that he's left town for a wedding, she and Courtney set out to find him. Thus the inevitable road trip begins.

What this film really suffers from is a lack of inventive writing - yet another semen stain joke rears its ugly head - and poor Selma Blair is reduced to sucking a guy's willy for laughs. Oh and enough already with Cameron shaking and wiggling her butt. It worked in "Charlie's Angels" but now we're all a bit tired of it. If you must see this so-so comedy, just make sure you brush and floss real good. "The Sweetest Thing" may rot your teeth.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

JOSHUA
While I'm doubtful that this would even fit the bill for a TV movie on PAX or the Family Channel - as a feature film it fails miserably. The story goes like dis - a gorgeous stranger (who's also good and kind and a handy carpenter) named Joshua (Tony Goldwyn) walks into a small town and proceeds to perform miracles. Did I mention that he was good and kind and a carpenter? Needless to say, after lifting spirits as well as heavy objects and healing a blind woman, locals start to suspect that he could very well be the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.

But would we even recognize the Son of God if we saw him? It's an interesting premise but one messed up by a predictable storyline and a saturating soundtrack that plays behind every bit of action we see. I may be cutting my chances of getting through those pearly gates, but all the prayers in the Bible Belt can't help this film.
Rating: 1.0 Martini

FRAILTY
Based on all the critical praise from folks like Stephen King and James Cameron I thought this film would be real frightening food for thought. But ultimately, I found myself disturbed and perturbed at it.

The story begins with an FBI investigation of a serial killer in Texas. We meet a suspicious Fenton Meiks (Matthew McConaughey) who tells the investigator that he knows the identity of the "God's Hands" killer. Fenton then recounts in flashback motifs how he and his brother were raised by their widowed father. Papa Meiks (played by Bill Paxton - who also directs the film) has a few nuts loose after claiming he was visited by an angel and given orders to destroy demons. Apparently, they may look like normal people, but they're really here to unleash pure evil on the world. Whatever. What follows are gruesome kidnappings and chop-shop burials with two small children witnessing (and even participating) in the murders.

This is what ultimately bugged me the most. I kept thinking why do we need to see this? And are these child actors going to need therapy in a few years? Yes, there are plenty of creepy twists and turns and you're nervous as all hell for the kids, but when it comes down to it, you know already who the bad guy is - it just takes two hours to confirm your gut feeling. While I give it points for driving home the fact that we do incubate some pretty deranged uber religious wackos out there who think they can be judge, jury and executioner - it just goes way over the top with little pay off.
Rating: 3.0 Martinis

NATIONAL LAMPOON'S VAN WILDER
If you've seen "Animal House" at least six times and you crave disgusting and raunchy college sexedies, than you're in luck. With a take-no-prisoners twist on all the old frat pack gags, Lampoon's latest manages to yank out quite a few yucks. But the success doesn't lie so much with his obvious love interest (a journalistically tense Tara Reid) - - nope. It works because the writing is risky and the film's star, Ryan Reynolds, is mesmerizing. In an almost eerie Jim Carrey-esque manner, Reynolds charms his way into your steely heart like Grandma's chipped beef on toast. All the sex jokes and animal sperm in the world can't work an audience without a sympathetic hero. And as the professional college student who just won't go home, Reynolds's Van Wilder is good-n-plenty dirty fun.
Rating: 4.0 Martinis

PANIC ROOM
Well, she's back. Jodie Foster now finds herself as a new divorcee trapped with her daughter (Kristen Stewart) in their New York brownstone's high tech panic room which was built in the event of break-ins. Before she's able to unpack, along come three intruders - Burnham (Forest Whitaker), Raoul (Dwight Yoakam) and Junior (Jared Leto) - who want desperately to get inside the room. But is it to harm them or is it something else? That's the big supposedly suspenseful question director David Fincher has us ask ourselves.

If you watch the trailers they practically tell the whole tale, but still, with the help of computerized camera effects Fincher manages to sprinkle a few creepy scenes. But this film is far from being a terrifying thriller - in fact the three stooge-like intruders are laughable at times. Why they don't knock down all the security cameras watching their every move is beyond me...and playing this cat and mouse game only intrigues the audience so long. But with the presence of an A-list actor like Foster it's still worth a matinee ticket.
Rating: 3.50 Martinis

CLOCKSTOPPERS
Egad this was bad. The story goes - there's this scientist who creates a gizmo that speeds up the body's molecules, basically making it seem to the person being affected, like time is standing still. So when his son (Jesse Bradford) accidentally discovers this wondrous invention does he go to the Middle East and help save lives? Nope. He and his gal pal (Paula Garces ) yuck it up by gazing at a sprinkler and setting up a dog to pee on a meter maid. They even help their buddy Meeker (Gariyaki Mutambirwa) wow the crowd at a disc jockey scratch-off.

The premise sounds interesting enough, but at a snoozable 94 minutes, Clockstoppers literally slows time down to a painful crawl. There's just not enough comedy to make this funny and not enough suspense to make it bearable. My advice for those seeking out sci-fi family fare? Wait until Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius comes out on DVD!
Rating: 1.0 Martinis

BLADE II
You know, it's just plain cool to see a black superhero kick vampire bootie without losing his shades. And in this high action chomp-fest, our hero Blade returns as the half man-half vampire who eliminates fellow blood suckers. It's cheesy - it's loud - and it's a fun excuse to escape reality. Director Guillermo Del Toro (Mimic) pulls out all the stops as he whips the latest Blade into a techno hip-hop experiment in jumbo sized volume. We're talking loud!

In this newest adventure, Blade (Wesley Snipes) discovers that he must team up with a master race of vampires to take on a new breed of super-vampire. Sounds stupid and it is. But Snipes' high voltage martial arts mixed with the kickin' soundtrack and Del Toro's freak attack behind the camera, you gotta love the funky factor.

Warning: There are plenty of bad one liners and Kris Kristofferson looks like he's been rode hard and put away wet. There is also plenty of gorey blood spewing, brain slicing mischief - so keep the kiddies at home. Rated R
Rating: 3.75 Martinis

MONSTER'S BALL
Working as a prison guard on death Row, Hank Grotowski (Billy Bob Thornton) is numb to everything-- from his racist father (Peter Boyle) to his sweet-natured son (Heath Ledger), who also works on "the Row." But soon after Hank electrocutes a black inmate (Sean "P. Diddy" Combs), he falls in love with the wife (Halle Berry) of the very man he just put to death.

Could it really happen? That's debatable. Is the overwhelming number of tragedies hard to watch? Of course. But an uncomfortable viewing experience is exactly what director Marc Forster intended. And besides, what really matters are the amazing performances by both Thornton and Berry. While Billy Bob transforms terrifically from a bigot to a noble man in a biracial relationship, Halle is just plain brilliant as a poor and exhausted woman who finally reaches her breaking point. So despite the serious subject matter, "Monster's Ball" is both dark and delicious.
Rating: 5.0 Martinis

THE TIME MACHINE
In this so-so adaptation of the H.G. Wells novel (as well as the original 1960 film), a teeth grinding Guy Pearce (MEMENTO) plays inventor Alexander Hartdegen. After his beloved bride to be dies tragically he invents a time machine that takes him 800,000 years into the future.

So what does mankind evolve into? Trust me, you don't want to know. Let's just say that after his bad impression of David Bowie's Labrynth look, Jeremy Irons' career is having some "issues"... whatever. After a very slow start, this long and drawn out flick with gobs of high speed photography depicting the cycle of life - just gets old. The novelty of a braniac in the 1800s who gets to hopscotch across time really becomes tedious. Even after throwing in the sultry Samantha Mumba (the film's best asset) you still can't work up a perky for this movie.

I say we stick this movie in a time machine of its own and send it back to the dinosaurs - perhaps it would make nice dental floss.
Rating: 1.5 Martinis

BIG BAD LOVE
First off, I'd like to make a public proclamation that welcomes Debra Winger with open arms back on screen. Just look at her previous work in Urban Cowboy, Terms of Endearment and Shadowlands... this woman is a goddess in front of the camera. And I wholeheartedly wish her the best. Okay, now we're pulling off the Band Aid... this is not the picture to make if you want to make a comeback.

The tale starts out fine enough; an alcoholic Vietnam vet named Leon Barlow (Arliss Howard) is a struggling writer, but he can't stop thinking about his ex-wife (Winger). In addition to having a starring role in his daydreams, Leon is kept from seeing their two children, one of which has a terminal disease. And so they go back and forth on that divorce tug of war. Fine. If we had more of Debra then I'd be cool with it, but her husband/co-star/writer goes on and on and on. You just get tired of hearing this guy talk. I think I even fell asleep - - and I am a HUGE Winger fan, so you know that ain't good.
Rating: 1.5 Martinis

SHOWTIME
Good lord almighty, call in the stink police! Trust me, this crime on celluloid should change its title to Stupidtime.

The same old crap begins as a grumpy old LAPD detective (Robert De Niro) -- um, excuse me, are you talkin to me? Enough already with the stinky face there Bobby, okay? - - where was I? Oh yeah... so this billy goat gruff is forced to star on a reality-based TV show with a lousy LAPD patrolman who thinks he's an actor (played by flatliner Eddie Murphy). Do you see the onslaught hilarity? Ha! There's nothing funny about this film but the salaries these two got for phoning in their parts.

As the story painfully unfolds, the grump finds his life is turned upside down by the constant cameras and the show's producer (Rene Russo); whose talents by the way were completely wasted on this really bad flick..
Rating: 1.0 Martinis

ICE AGE
Here's a lighthearted afternoon adventure that'll take you back twenty thousand years ago. As creatures of all sizes flee the encroachment of the new Ice Age, we meet a fast talking but dumb-as-a-donut sloth named Sid (John Leguizamo); a woolly loner mammoth named Manny (Ray Romano) and a sly saber-toothed tiger named Diego (Denis Leary). Personally, my favorite was the acorn-obsessed squirrel who pops up periodically in the film.

Now the plot picks up when a human infant is left to fend for himself. Deciding to do the "right thing" - these furry misfits begin their dangerous trek to return the baby to its human tribe. Just think of it as an animated road picture without Bob Hope and Bing Crosby. While there are no major monumental moments in this flick, there are some laughs to be found as Sid rambles on about his peculiarities and the squirrel chases his nut. Overall, not a bad weekend matinee for the whole family.
Rating: 3.25 Martinis

ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMINS
I thought I'd hate this movie. What with the rapper turned actor Ice Cube and some dude named Mike Epps - - but you know what? I had a blast. Here's why...

It's a high velocity popcorn munching no brainer. The story? Miami bounty hunter Bucum Jackson (Ice Cube) is in hot pursuit of a rapid fire conversationalist type of con man named Reggie Reed (Mike Epps). Just when Bucum thinks he's got his man, the two find themselves in the middle of a major and murderous diamond heist.

While there's plenty of high caliber action in this crime dramedy - there's also some really funny bits with Epps - who turns out a memorable role as the sharp tongued goofy sidekick. Ice Cube also manages to hold his own, albeit with a firmer no frills Kung Fu grip. You should also sneak a peek at Epps's on-screen girlfriend (played by Eva Mendes). Not only is she easy on the eyes, but she also delivers a delicious dish of delirium when she thinks she's won the lottery. Priceless.
Rating: 4.0 Martinis

QUEEN OF THE DAMNED
Anyone who sat through Tom Cruise's butchering of Lestat in 1994's INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE, would rather have a stake planted firmly in their chest then see another Holywood-ization of an Anne Rice novel. The good news is that this time around, Lestat gets his guts back and Aaliyah makes both a triumphant and eerie final curtain call.

The film continues the supernatural adventures of the legendary vampire as he reinvents himself into a rock star who appeals to the MTV generation. But when his music wakes Akasha (Aaliyah), the queen of all vampires, her badass thirst for blood has the entire world held hostage.

This film does have its fair share of cheese - there's a lame love interest (Marguerite Moreau) - and obviously someone's watched too many Nine Inch Nails videos - but Stuart Townsend plays Lestat with a dark and sexy steam that works. He's brooding. He's bloody. And he's beautiful. Aaliyah, who died recently in a plane crash, speaks volumes with few words and pumps up the chaos with an intense presence that will surely be missed. MPAA Rating: R for vampire violence.
Rating: 4.0 Martinis

DRAGONFLY
DRAGONFLY is a super stupid thriller about a Doctor (Kevin Costner) who believes that his deceased wife/doctor (Susanna Thompson) is trying to tell him something through the near-death experiences of her patients - and a variety of dragonfly symbols.

Now, why anybody green lights a Costner picture nowadays is beyond me. I can't put my finger on it - but there's something about this guy that's creepy. I'd give him a part as a brooding bad guy that the whole audience can love to hate - but in this role - the sap runs heavy and the "mysterious" twists and turns are nothing more than predictable fodder.
Rating: 1.5 Martinis

COLLATERAL DAMAGE
Family man and firefighter Gordy Brewer (Arnold Schwarzenegger) jumps head first into the dangerous world of international terrorism after his wife and child are blown to bits in a bombing. Even though Brewer discovers that Columbian guerilla leader Claudio "The Wolf" Perrini (Cliff Curtis) is the man behind the devastation - bringing him to justice won't be that easy. But nothing can stop the Terminator, so he travels to Colombia to track down the terrorist himself.

Now, with any Arnold film, you can be sure of two things: there's always tons of explosions and uncomfortable moments when you can't understand what he's saying. You also get this weak "revenge" angle that the entire film is built upon. And the special effects! They are cheap, cheesy and beyond weak. There are a few nice moments (like a fab little cameo by John Leguizamo and a clever little twist at the end) that makes this film somewhat bearable - but I really wouldn't recommend it to any of my friends - unless of course, they're complete testosterone freaks.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

JOHN Q.
Factory worker John Q. (Denzel Washington) is beyond stressed when his young boy is rushed to the hospital for a much needed heart transplant. And when the hospital decides not to do the operation because he doesn't have enough insurance he goes ballistic and takes the hospital hostage.

Driving home the fact that our health care system needs a transplant itself and millions of hard working folks are uninsured in this country, John Q. is as subtle as a hammer deeply planted into your head. And I get it - I now that our system sucks. Hell, if I got hit by a truck I'd be going to County along with everybody else. But the way this movie goes about it is way overkill. The first 20 minutes you're pulled in tight to Denzel's undeniable charm and the sad cards he's been dealt. Then he decides to hold innocent people hostage and the whole enchilada goes down like a lead balloon.

What follows is a back and forth spewage of verbal badminton as head negotiator (Robert Duvall) tries to calm the situation. There's also a meandering Anne Heche (the cold hospital administrator) who should simply be drawn and quartered - and by the time the hostages started helping out their gun-toting kidnapper - I just lost total consciousness.
I dig the message but prefer a better use of Mr. Washington's many talents. So despite the good intentions, John Q. ends up dead on arrival.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

HART'S WAR
When Lieutenant Tommy Hart (Colin Farrell) is captured and thrown into a German prisoner of war camp, top ranking Colonel William McNamara (Bruce Willis) assigns him to defend a black POW accused of murdering a fellow white prisoner. But while preparing to defend his client, Tommy stumbles upon a plot that will force him to make a decision that could end his very own life.

The bright spots in this film are Farell's performance and that of Vicellous Shannon who is just riveting as the camp's commanding German officer. The script is a rehash of previous WWII dramas with a little twist at the end that is predictable at best. Willis delivers yet another eyebrow furrowed frenzy with plenty of goofy one liners and squinty looks. But overall, I was nonetheless entertained by this film - which relies heavily on Farell's strong shoulders. Meow.
Rating: 3.0 Martinis

CROSSROADS
The good news for you Britney fans is that Crossroads isn't altogether horrific. But it's no classic by any stretch of the imagination either. The story goes.... three childhood friends, Lucy (Britney Spears), Kit (Zoe Saldana) and Mimi (Taryn Manning) rediscover their friendship and their dreams traveling across America - the long way.

What's really needed in this uber light fare is a script with some grip to it. For a tedious drive you're held hostage by three bickering beauties who catch a lift with a hunky guy named Ben (Anson Mount) - who they believe served time for murder. See where we're going here?

Now, with all the bank she's been making lately peddling Pepsi and her navel, you'd think that MTV Films would focus solely on Britney's character, Lucy - but thankfully her co-stars have somewhat decent acting abilities and storylines. One deals with a philandering boyfriend, while the other wrestles with a teen pregnancy - (note: the film does skirt around the whole issue on how she actually got preggers).

As for her performance, Britney's not bad. It's just that she plays someone so close to who she is in real life, you don't see much of her acting chops. That will come in time no doubt - but only if she gets challenging scripts - and this ain't one of 'em.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

ROLLERBALL
Yup. Yet another remake of one of my childhood faves has been bastardized. Remember what they did to The Avengers? Deja vouz kiddies. In fact, this oozing open wound of grunts and bumps got so bad I had to leave before it was over! Like Winona at a Beverly Hills boutique - I looked around and then I split.

In a nutshell, Rollerball has plenty of spills but few chills. Unlike the 1975 original, which starred a magnetic James Caan pitted against the evil corporate manipulation of a roller derby on steroids, this one lacks any intrigue whatsoever. Boring as Wonder Bread, our modern athletes (LL Cool J, Chris Klein and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos) not only go through the predictable motions, but they also look painfully aware that the script should be used as kindling. Basically, it's one really big product endorsement for wasting your time.
Rating: 1.0 Martini

THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO
Based on Alexandre Dumas' classic tale of a man wrongly imprisoned and his quest for revenge, "The Count of Monte Cristo" turns out to be a rather romantic swashbuckling romp back in time.

Edmond Dantes (James Caviezel) is a sweet natured man of the sea whose promising future with the beautiful Mercedes (Dagmara Dominczyk) is crushed by the jealousy of his best friend (Guy Pearce). After being set-up and sentenced to the island prison of Chateau D'If, Edmond is trapped for thirteen years in miserable conditions - but it's during this time that he constructs a brilliant plan of vengeance. Oh, and a bitchin' beard too.

Although the story's somewhat predictable and the bad guy (Pearce) is way overdone (even his teeth and skin start to rot before your eyes) - I really found this film to be a fun and sexy. Caviezel is methodically breathtaking as the handsome Count and the part suits him well. Or is it the suit fits him well? Yes on both counts. There's also a few gem moments with thespian legend Richard Harris and the film's other asset, Luis Guzman - who turns out a touching and comical performance as the Count's sidekick.
Rating: 4.0 Martinis

I AM SAM
Egads. The only good thing about reviewing this movie is that I can seek solace in the fact that I suffered through this entire miserable film, so you don't have to. Sam Dawson (Sean Penn) is a mentally-challenged father raising his daughter Lucy (Dakota Fanning) while working at Starbucks. He loves his Lucy (In The Sky With Diamonds) - and she loves her daddy. But as she turns seven, their family unit is threatened when the state decides that Lucy should placed in foster care.

Sam vows to fight the legal system and wins the cold heart of the self-absorbed, too busy to breathe Rita Harrison (Michelle Pfeiffer). Lovely Rita is a high-powered attorney who only takes his case on as a challenge from her colleagues. Sidenote: If you're sensing a bit of The Beatles references, well - you're dead on. The film's full of it - and I think John Lennon's turning over right about now...

When Rita enters the picture, the whole thing falls apart. I was groovin with the father/daughter thang and dealing with a painful to watch Penn, but when Pfeiffer hops on board, the whole enchilada crumbles. Not only is her Robocop character void of any human emotion, but her performance feels strained and distant. But even if she wasn't on screen, there's a string of odd scenes and a predictable fairy tale ending to boot.
Rating: 1.5 Martinis

A WALK TO REMEMBER
Based on a true story, this teen flick painfully pulls together a rebellious high school senior (Shane West) and a plain Jane religious girl (Mandy Moore) who signs in the church choir. He hangs out with the cool kids drinking booze while she hangs out with the Kool-Aid kids who study Mars. So does this young romance hit the mark? Not quite.

While I do admire the story for showing a girl who'll stick to who she really is even through a personal tragedy, I gotta say, I was a bit bored. You see the two of them hooking up long before they ever get a clue and when they do it's a it of a letdown. It is a refreshing step away from the dumber than a doorknob mentality of typical teen flicks, but not much more.
Rating: 1.5 Martinis

A BEAUTIFUL MIND
From all of the hoopla this film's been getting - you'd think it was a masterpiece. Maybe I'm drinking from a different fountain, but even though the Golden Globes thought Russell Crow deserved Best Actor honors - I didn't find his performance or this movie all that great. In fact, I've never seen an actor try so hard to look like he was a disturbed character.

The story is basically about John Forbes Nash, Jr. - a mathematical genius who stood on the brink of international acclaim. The problem with the film isn't the story really, nor is it all on Crowe's shoulders. It's shared equally with lead-a-horse-to-water direction by Ron Howard and a charcater that is really not very likable. He's super smart, a social misfit and arrogant beyond reason. Nevermind the fact that he has schizophrenia. He's still a creep. Even though Nash eventually triumphs, the film itself still lays a flat note.
Rating: 2.5 Martinis

MULHOLLAND DRIVE
My only regret is that I didn't see this sooner. Hot damn what a trippy movie! In this highly complex tale of suspense and seduction, set in the freaky town of Hollywierd, writer/director David Lynch goes all the way with his demented little mind.

Without giving too much away - and believe me, that would be easy if I even tried to tell you a little bit about the plot - Lynch whips up a tantalizingly toxic maze of sorts that borders on sexual ecstasy and complete and utter chaos... that is, until the last few minutes of the film. Your mouth remains wide open for the first 2 hours and then a lightbulb goes off when you put the pieces together of twisted puzzle.

Lynch constructs a puzzle, propelling us through a mysterious labyrinth of sensual experiences until we arrive at the intersection where dreams and nightmares meet.
Rating: 4.5 Martinis

BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF - (Le Pacte des Loups)
Put in a nutshell, Brotherhood starts off with a bang with all the raw, oddly-romantic ruckus of France in 1765 as a beast is busy slaughtering the countryside. But what starts off with a bang ends with a bummer in this homage to fromage. Translation? This mega dose of foley drama turns out to be nothing more than stinky cheese.

Set during the reign of Louis XV, a mysterious creature wreaks havoc in a rural province of France, savagely killing women and children. Desperate to end the growing unrest of the people, the King sends in an animal expert and his Iroquois blood brother. While the entire country holds it's breath - this odd couple combine talents to bring the evil beast down.

Like I said, the first 30 minutes pulls you in like a tight corset on a hooker, but the rest falls apart at the seams. Problems? The fight scenes, while novel at first, become tired and overdone.... the bad guy is so obvious you wonder why the audience doesn't "boo" his first appearance on screen... and the "scary beast" looks like more like a Jurassic Park reject. Good intentions from the French - just lousy follow thru skills. C'est la vie!
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

CHARLOTTE GRAY
I've got good and bad news to report. First off, let's just agree that Cate Blanchett is perhaps the most beautiful creature to breathe air. She's also one of the finest actors of her time. What power does she wield over us mere mortals? Those eyes can hypnotize anyone with a pulse. And then you're hooked. You'll follow her ANYWHERE she wants to go. She could be scrubbing a tub and it would be a majestic moment. Okay? Nuff said about her.

The story, however, isn't as picture perfect as our Miss Cate. Set during the tragic times of WWII, "Charlotte Gray" is the solemn story of a woman who must go behind enemy lines to find the missing pilot she loves. Charlotte jumps her way into France as a secret agent, working to support the Resistance. But fate has something else in mind for our young hero, and that's when it gets predictable. What follows is a myriad of non-suspensful ups and downs and a flat romance with a Frenchy Resistance leader (Billy Crudop). Overall grade? Despite Blanchett's brilliance, Charlotte Gray is still drab.
Rating: 2.5 Martinis

LORD OF THE RINGS
After all the fairy dust has settled I gotta say...huh? Everyone I've spoken to who's seen this just-shy-of-three-hours fantasy flick describes it like it's The Second Coming. Okay, the special effects were amazing and I know that "Star Wars" doesn't have a monopoly on Good vs. Evil - but sheesh. I realize now why I never got into the whole Hobbit thang when I was a kid in school - Hobbits are long winded!

The tale goes... during mythic Middle Earth times, a young hobbit named Frodo Baggins (Elijah Wood) inherits a special magic ring. For centuries its dark powers have been hidden - but as it resurfaces, the dark eyeball Lord Sauron wants it so he can enslave all of humanity. So the fate of Middle Earth lies on the tiny shoulders of Frodo - who, with the help of the good wizard Gandalf (Ian McKellan) and others - embarks on a mission to destroy the ring.

Like I said before, the special effects are stunning and you really are magically transported to this odd land of myth and legend. And those who've read the book say it's a perfect representation - but after following this rag tag group around for three hours, I just wanted some closure. I understand the studio's wish to make Part 2, Part 52, whatever... but do I want to wait 2 years to find out what happens? Methinks not. Oh boy, here come the letters!
Rating: 3.5 Martinis

KATE AND LEOPOLD
If I see one more movie with Meg Ryan as a disillusioned career woman who just doesn't believe in love anymore - I'll blow chunks! In this ridiculous story, Meg plays Kate - a pragmatic (as always) research and development exec who makes a living out of guessing what people really want. Someone should've hired one for this movie!

Poor Kate doesn't believe in anything until a charming bachelor named Leopold (Hugh Jackman) the Third Duke of Albany, literally leaps from the 19th century into modern day Manhattan. Ah yes... the sparks of romance from modern techno gadgets like making toast for the first time and flushing the toilet... how hot. But how appropriate since everything in this movie goes right down the crapper as well!
Rating: 1.0 Martini

JIMMY NEUTRON: BOY GENIUS
He might be the smartest kid in the galaxy, but Jimmy Neutron still has to deal with everyday things like gravity and girls… and parents who just don't understand. But when the leader (Patrick Stewart) of a colony of fierce goo-like aliens kidnap all of the planet's parents, thanks in part to Jimmy's hand-crafted toaster satellite, all "heck" breaks loose.

Now, for you moms and dads out there who will undoubtedly be legally obligated to take your kids to see this film - fate is really smiling upon you - because it's actually a fabulous little movie! With gadgets up the wazoo, this nerdy well-coifed technophile (voiced by Debi Derryberry) is simply adorable to watch. He's also backed up by a witty supporting cast featuring his quirky friends and mechanical dog.

In short, this computer animated "kiddie" flick is beyond charming. My favorite scene? When all of the children discover they don't have adult supervision. The just go ballistic - and it's priceless. Watch out Disney!
Rating: 4.5 Martinis

THE MAJESTIC
This movie would be great - if was 1951. Despite all the hoopla that's being made about Jim Carrey's latest attempt at being serious - "The Majestic" fails to climb out of the ranks as a high on Technicolor tribute to Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life."

In this sappy drama set during the 1950's blacklist, an ambitious Hollywood screenwriter (Jim Carrey) first loses his job and then in a freak accident, loses his identity. Soon after he's found and brought to a small town where he finds a new love (played very well by newbie Laurie Holden) and the power of conviction to stand up against the government's Hoover era paranoia against communism.

Amazingly, the best parts of this movie have little to do with Carrey. In fact, you keep waiting for him to talk out of his butt cheeks or something. But no - he's seriously serious in this flick. And it just doesn't fly. The direction is beautifully orchestrated by Frank ("The Green Mile") Darabont - and as the father who thinks he's found his war hero son, Martin Landau owns the screen as easily as he wears a worn out cardigan. But despite the direction and Landau's performance, "The Majestic" ends up shooting itself in the foot with nostalgia overload.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

JOE SOMEBODY
The tag line for this movie is "A Comedy About Somebody Everybody Can Believe In."
I'd like to change that to "A Not So Funny Movie About A Loser Who Thinks He Can Be Somebody If He Beats Up A Bully In A Playground!"

Joe (Tim Allen) is a divorced corporate Klingon, whose dead-end life miraculously turns around after the office brute (The Tick's Patrick Warburton) publicly humiliates him (slaps him silly) in front of his daughter (Hayden Panettiere). While Joe's pharmaceutical pals rally behind him to beat the snot out of this guy - Joe gives himself a fitness and beauty makeover and finds romance with the company's wellness director (Julie Bowen).

But will he wuss out on the fight? Will his daughter ever respect him? Yawnsville. Despite the good intentions of educating kids that you don't have to fight to be a man, the film ends up getting knocked out by a predictable and poorly written script. Most of the film's gags are limited to Joe cracking his head on the sink or getting kicked in the nuts. Nyuck. Nyuck.
Rating: 1.0 Martini

VANILLA SKY
Okay, let me get this out of my system - I felt like yanking out Tom Cruise's teeth if he smiled one more time!! And yes, he runs (a lot) and he takes his shirt off (a lot) and he gets to have sex with Cameron Diaz and Penelope Cruz - (who by the way has zilcho chemistry with the Cruise-meister) - but when it's all over, trust me, you'll let out a sigh of relief.

The story? Handsome, wealthy and charismatic, Cruise plays a New York publishing exec whose dates with supermodels are enchanting, yet something's missing. Like substance, maybe? Basically this guy's a rich little snot like Jerry Maguire if he hadn't met Renée Zellweger's character.... whatever. Then, one night he meets Sofia (Cruz), the girl of his dreams. But after a nasty car accident his life becomes placed in ugly limbo. How can she love such a disfigured mess? Can he become more than a shallow playboy?

Methinks the original version ("Open Your Eyes") is far better and even though Cruz has the same role, she's just easier to handle. In this 'Spanglish' version you can't make out what she's saying. Nicole Kidman she is not. And Cameron Crowe - what happened to you Mr. Big Time director? Weren't you watching the dailies? There's plenty of fluff and puff (and a soundtrack that's way overused) -- but little pay off. Tech support!!!
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS
Here's another one I just didn't get. Rolling Stone and The Village Voice may be drooling all over this puppy, but I couldn't find much humor in this supposed dark comedy.

The tall tale goes like this - Royal Tenenbaum (Gene Hackman) and his wife Etheline (Anjelica Huston) have three odd children -- financial wizard Chas (Ben Stiller), pro tennis player Richie (Luke Wilson) and the darkly dreadful scribe Margot (Gwyneth Paltrow) -- but since the parents separated and their fortune squandered away, life for the Tenenbaums has been tough. One day when papa Royal finds he hasn't got two pennies to rub together - he decides to fake an illness so he can once again be under the good graces of his family. But with so many emotional scars, that's not an easy thing to do.

Now, Hackman is always wonderful to watch as is Huston - but all of the great actors aside, the "funny moments" of this film just weren't all that chuckle worth. Definitely not "side-splitting" stuff. Maybe I truly missed something in this movie. But then again, maybe not.
Rating: 2.0 Martinis

OCEAN'S 11
I never was a big fan of the original rat pack, but I did have a crush on Dean Martin when I was a toddler - perhaps it was that non threatening drunken look on his face - I dunno. But the question really is, "Do our modern day Hollywood rodents fair any better with their take on Ocean's 11?" With a slick, hip and highly stylized adaptation by award laden director Steven Soderbergh, the film does manage to deliver a few goodies.

In less than 2