BeatBoxBetty's Movie Reviews

WATCHER, THE
Seeing Keanu Reeves redeem his career with hits like The Matrix and The Replacements is a refreshing experience. Seeing him kill young single girls with piano wire is not. The story goes like this - Chicago's experiencing a string of gruesome murders at the hands of a freak dressed in black leather (Reeves). The only man able to track him down is a barbiturate popping cop named Campbell (James Spader) who's been haunted (and somewhat hunted) by the killer since he left (okay, fled) Los Angeles.

Although Spader offers up some nice dramatic and even humorous moments on screen as the baffled good guy, you can't help but think, "why?" Why are we seeing yet another slick looking dude who digs killing women like a game of cat and mouse? I'm not going to get on a soap box about Hollywood's responsibility or talk about the C-word (censorship)... but after seeing woman after woman stabbed, sliced, chopped and diced, I've really had my fill of the whole genre. No matter how many times they catch the bad guy, I can't help but think about the two hours I wasted watching the whole mess. Rating: 2.5 Martinis

WATERBOY, THE
Yippy skippy! Adam Sandler sacks the competition in this hilariously goofy comedy about a nerdy Cajun man/boy who goes from being an H2O distribution engineer to a college football star. Kathy Bates also scores big as his smothering southern mama and The Craft’s Fairuza Balk goes long as his crime-addicted girlfriend. A must-see for all those who need to open up a large can Whoop Ass! And you know who you are. Rating: 4.0 Martinis.

WAKING THE DEAD
At least Jodie Foster's latest labor of love manages to be a hypnotic tale - thanks in large part to Billy Crudop. With an intense urgency (and laser-like peepers), Crudop wears his character - a soon-to-be Senator devastated by the death of his soul mate - like a fine tailored suit. Haunted by the death of his political activist girlfriend (Jennifer Connelly), he sees her image everywhere. Think "The Sixth Sense" meets "Ghost." A nice spooky angle. But I gotta say, the endless all-white flashback scenes bugged me a bit and the slow pace irked my quick-to-the-punch brain...still, something about this movie intrigued me. It just wasn't enough to wake up this dead head blonde Betty. Rating: 3.0 Martinis

WAY OF THE GUN, THE
I swear movies are getting more and more weird everyday. This one has some nice twists and a shoot-em-up-who-dunnit attitude, but face it - weird is weird. The story? Two likable but inept criminals (Ryan Phillippe and Benicio Del Toro) kidnap a pregnant woman (Juliette Lewis) who is being paid to give birth and turn over the child to a wealthy couple. See where we're going here? The two pseudo criminals try to get the ransom money, but the wealthy couple send their "bag man" (James Cann) in to handle the situation. There's other creepy characters (much like Pulp Fiction) with other motives and it all goes down with a shitload of gunfire and a caesarian in Mexico. Blah, blah, blah. Despite the attempt to be unique by director Christopher McQuarrie (who wrote The Usual Suspects) The Way of the Gun goes way out of its way to be hip and suffers a painfully slow death. Rating: 2.5 Martinis

WHAT DREAMS MAY COME
Hold the giggles, dole the penance, special mortals won’t upset us. All they ask is that you reincarnate it their way. And finding their way through these layered realms of life and death and Cuba Gooding Jr. is like trying to get your mouth around a fat double cheeseburger. It’s great and messy going down, but then you’re almost sorry you ate it. Bring yourself a fantasy bicarb...unless you have an ironic stomach. Not a hey-let’s-go-see-a-Robin-Williams-movie, but moderately entertaining nonetheless. The special color effects are trippy, man. Rating: 2 Martinis

WHATEVER IT TAKES
Kodak needs to start checking scripts before they sell a single foot of film stock to producers with teenage themes. Especially if it's a worn out story about the high school geek and hunky jockstrap (Shane West and James Franco) both in love with the same gorgeous babe (Jodi Lyn O'Keefe), and the girl-next-door (Marla Sokoloff), who sustains all the contrived humiliations the screenwriter could muster and eventually makes it with our hero! All look as if they just stepped out from a Tommy Hilfinger ad, read their lines off the cocktail napkin, from which the script was written, and zipped over to Trader Vics to act like adults. I will do Whatever It Takes to forget about the two hours I lost struggling to stay awake watching this predictable piece of teenage dribble. Rating: 1 Martini - because no one wore a bra.

WHAT LIES BENEATH
Claire (Michelle Pfeiffer) is a good and dutiful wife. She gave up the cello to help her hubby's (Harrison Ford) career and misses her college-bound daughter something awful. But what Claire doesn't know is that some spiritual freak is after her man BIG time, and the she-ghost (Amber Valletta) will do anything to get him. That includes fogging up her bathroom mirror, running up the water bill and romping around the Ouiji board.

Now, the ending is indeed a bit corny, but as far as psychological thrillers go, this little ditty isn't too far behind Alfred Hitchcock. In fact, many of the scenes are right out of "Psycho" and "Rear Window" and the music is a dead-ringer for the tunes the late, great double-chinned oned adored. But it's those tried and true "now you see me, now you don't" gags that will have you jumping out of your seat as director Robert Zemeckis tip-toes into the suburban life of this "happy" couple, then yanks the bath mat right out from underneath them. Without spoiling it for you, I'll say this - Although it opens up with some humor and a bit of romance, before long you'll find yourself having the begeebies scared right out of you. And I dare you to take another bath ever again. Rating: 4.0 Martinis

WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM?
I loved Gary Shandling's, "The Larry Sanders Show" and you can't beat director Mike Nichols, but what planet did this story come from? Gary Shandling plays H1449-6, the chosen alien sent to Earth as one Harold Anderson to impregnate a woman with his mechanical penis thus paving the way for an intergalactic orgy. Puts a whole new meaning on "Invasion of the Body Snatchers". Besides a few delightful lines from the luscious Linda Fiorentino, Annette Bening singing "High Hopes" in her PJs, and John Goodman's tenacious performance as the FAA agent who suspects Anderson of being an alien, "What Planet" is just a jangle of typical sex humor thrown together in space. Rating 2 Martinis

WHAT WOMEN WANT
I'll tell you what women want...someone to lie to them. Why else are women flocking to this fluff-filled, generic romantic comedy with little originality or emotion? I know I'm not in "Stepford Wives" territory, but every middle-aged woman I asked about the film, loved it. Whatever. So we know the gals will see it. And because it plays into every man's fantasy of being able to read a woman's mind, the men folk will go along as well for the ride.

The story? Nick Marshall (Mel Gibson), a womanizing ad exec finds his macho approach to advertising (scantily clad blondes pitching the virtues of a good beer) is now passé. And since the market trend is now hawking products to women, he needs to (you guessed it) know what women really want. His new boss is (ugh) one of those female thingies (Helen Hunt) has a rep of being a bitch. But you know what? He still wants to do her.

While trying to come up with ideas for pitching chick products, Nick falls in the tub with a hair dryer and magically gains the ability to hear what women are thinking. How they green-lighted that bit of plot development I'll never know. This now allows him to exploit women even further by hearing their true fears - allowing him to get around all that pesky "getting to know you" stuff.

Basically, it's a boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy wins girl back groove. It's a formula that's worked before and Lord knows it's gonna work again. And although I have problems with the plot and script, Gibson does score a few points for his Fred Astaire-like dance number, posing without a shirt in his bathroom and waxing his hairy legs. Helen Hunt on the other hand, who seems to be in every damn movie these days, is bland at best, with the chemistry between the two amounting to that of a blind date.
Rating: 2.75 Martinis

WHERE THE HEART IS
So, how does the chick flick for the year 2000 turn out? There’s some nice moments as Natalie Portman plays a poor girl who finds herself alone and giving birth to her baby at a local Wall-Mart. And I think she’s really gonna deliver some great stuff in the years to come, but tragedy after tragedy follows this girl like Pig Pen attracts dust bunnies. There’s her good-for-nothing mother (Sally Fields), her best friend who simply can‘t find a decent man but can pump out five kids (Ashley Judd), her horridly creepy boyfriend (Dylan Bruno), a tornado that takes out the kind recovering alcoholic (Stockard ]Channing) and those pesky number 5’s that keep wreaking havoc with her life. Plenty of sappy, over-emotional moments ensue as we struggle to like this likable cast. Rating: 2.5 Martinis

WHERE THE MONEY IS
Old and drooling in his wheelchair, Henry (Paul Newman) is transferred to a nursing home for the elderly when he comes under the care of a nurse named Carol (Linda Fiorentino). Carol’s nice; she married the local football star, Wayne (Dermot “6-pack abs” Mulroney)...and she truly loves her job. But she begins to suspect that Henry's afflictions may not be quite as debilitating as the prison authorities believe. Using her womanly charms, she even tries to seduce him into saying that he’s putting on an act. I won’t tell you what happens next, ‘cuz that would spoil it for you, so all I can say is, although this isn’t a masterpiece of cinema and it‘s totally unrealistic, it’s still a somewhat entertaining flick. Rating: 2.75 Martinis

WHIPPED
During the first half hour of this film, I was hating it. I mean, seeing four horny buddies get together once a week to discuss their recent sexual exploits isn't a big thrill for me. In fact, I was embarrassed that the modern male had sunk so low. But things started to change when they begin to realize that they're all falling for the same beautiful girl, Mia (Amanda Peet). Each one has an ego the size of Texas and soon, they begin battling with each other for Mia's affection. In a surprising twist, we discover that it's not the guys using her as much as Mia is using them. The moral of this tale? Paybacks are a bitch and Kharma will bite you in the ass if you're too big for your britches. Although the funny twist does invoke a lot of humor, this is a sexually charged movie (chock-full of masturbation scenes and such) that is not appropriate for young audiences. Thus the "R" rating. All in all, an interesting spin on the conquests of "dating." Rating: 3.0 Martinis

WHITE BOYS
If the teens in this film represent the future of America, we’re in big trouble. Screenwriter (and lead) Danny Hoch is ambitious, but you won’t give a rat’s dreadlocks about this ultra white teenager’s obsession with gangster rap. I know that there’s an audience for this type of film, but their probably too busy tipping cows and snorting a can of Cool Whip. Cameo by Snoop Doggy Dog – yippee. Rating: 1 Martini

WHOLE NINE YARDS, THE
Bruce Willis is back. And this time around there's no kid who see ghosts in his bed. This dark comedy follows a dental do-gooder (Matthew Perry) who gets a bit nervous when a hit man (Willis) moves in next door. But the real freak he's got to worry about is his Frenchy-poodle of a wife (Rosanna Arquette) who wants him knocked off so she can go buy some new heels. Quirky and smart comedy bits lay down the groundwork for a real nice ride while watching this film - but the ending might let you down as it relies on a sappy love-conquers-all easy-out . Still, it's worth checking out just to see Arquette's butchering French accent and push-up bra. Rating: 3.0 Martinis

WONDER BOYS
First off, may I say it's great to see Michael Douglas NOT fondling some woman other than his wife (in films that is!). Without a boiling bunny in sight, Douglas plays an English professor named Grady who comes down with a bad case of writer's block and a midlife crisis. With a bun in the oven, a tenant (Katie Holmes) with the hots for him and a book that's longer than an award show - Grady seems to be at the end of his rope. But then he meets a gifted, albeit morose, student (Tobey Maguire), whose talent for spinning a tale or two is that of a genius. Although I kinda dug this film, I see other critics are panning it. What can I say? It's a semi-sweet, soft-mood story that kept me glued to my seat even though I knew what was gonna happen. That's a pretty cool thing! Teacher gets an apple. Rating: 4.0 Martinis

WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, THE
Our still dapper James Bond (Pierce Brosnan) races to defuse an international power struggle with the world's oil supply up for grabs in this Movie That is Not Enough. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of cheesy one-liners and sexy Sophie Marceau is a formidable 007 vixen, but you're told the whole plot rather than shown, and when double D Denise Richards pops up as nuke scientist Christmas Jones the cheese factor goes through the roof. The film's stinkiest line? "I guess Christmas comes more than once a year." Guffaw. Rating: 2.0 Martinis

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