 |
 |
| U-571
When I walked out of the theater shaking my head, I was told by some passers by that this was a “guy’s movie.” Well, I can’t believe that modern man has evolved into such a simple creature that recurring depth charge scenes and loud sound effects truly satisfies. Maybe it is a guy’s movie, but even my closest guy pals have to admit this movie was no “Das Boot.” First off, Jon Bon Jovi has as much screen time as I have (ie; none) - the Germans are first portrayed as decent human beings, then as brutal beasts – and although you want it to succeed, you can’t help but become bored with the never-ending battle scenes and Matthew McConaughey’s always-under-control leadership. Just once, I wanted him to break a sweat. Rating: 2.5 Martinis |
| UNBREAKABLE To follow up with a nail biting thriller after delivering The Sixth Sense is no easy task. Even if you throw Bruce Willis back in with a little boy to boot and a freaky looking Samuel L. Jackson. But writer/director M. Night Shyamalan does manage to deliver an intriguing and extraordinary event for an ordinary guy (Willis) when he finds himself the sole survivor of a train wreck. He starts to wonder why, and prompted by an anonymous letter, he also wonders why he's never been sick. Hmm. Across town is a man (Jackson) with a condition called Osteogenesis Imperfecta which caused him to be born with broken arms and legs, earning him the nickname "Mr. Glass." Well, the two discover that they have a unique bond with each other and I won't spoil it for you, but it does get real interesting. That said, although Shyamalan succeeds in touching on a few key emotional plot points with the analogy of a comic book to back it up, he's far from hitting the mark on a "classic" suspense thriller. Jackson's character, although unique, is never fully flushed out, nor do we ever get to know Bruce's, which is odd throughout this entire movie. He's quiet, methodical and he just doesn't say a whole lot. But it's this Stepford Wives mood on screen and detached relationship with his son that kinda brings the film down. In other words, there's all this amazing stuff going on and Bruce looks like he's bored out of his mind. But I'm still betting that you'll like the story enough and the way it unravels in the last 15 minutes is awfully schweeet. Just don't go in expecting The Sixth Sense Part Two. Rating: 3.75 Martinis |
| VAMPIRES,
JOHN CARPENTER’S Show me someone who doesn’t enjoy a good old fashion John Carpenter vampire flick and I’ll show you someone who likes 7-Up in their martinins. James Woods is fearless as the slayer hell-bent for revenge as is Daniel Baldwin...even after falling head-over-jugular for a sexy lamia fraught with a brood of gothic bloodsuckers. Using a fresh twist on an old theme spiced up the story and plot. Add an enjoyable bit by one-in-a-Maximillion Schell and Vampires is fast, fun and furious. Rating: 2.5 Martinis |
| VARSITY
BLUES A "North Dallas Forty" high school conversion with morals. Just beyond the head-butting, beer-drinking, pig-petting and pom-poms, this is a decent story about making right choices when you're young, Texas style. Yeehaw! When the star quarterback, Lance "Blue-Eyes"(Paul Walker) injures his knee, in steps Dawson's Creek heartthrob (James Van Der Beek) to become the town’s new hero. Their fanatical coach, Bud Kilmer (Jon Voight) will win at all costs, even at the expense of his players. Although Van Der Beek’s sensitivity gets as thick as hot gummy bears, there is a smattering of entertaining moments, like young brother Moxon obsessed to create a religious cult of his own, Caan's wildman antics (run in the family?), a whipped cream bikini and the school's sex-ed teacher is a stripper! Betty recommends ya’ put yer’ boots on, keep yer’ head down and ask fer’ a back row seat. Nice n’ dark. Rating: 2 Martinis |
| VELVET
GOLDMINE This fragmented, jagged little pill of a tale about a Bowie-esque glam rocker named Brian Slade is really nothing more than one long music video. One bad long music video. Looking back at the decadent sex-a-thons of a rock star is somewhat interesting, but you end up not giving a glittered rat’s ass about the main characters...with the exception of Slade’s wife, who’s played masterfully by Muriel’s Wedding star Toni Collette. She’s the only one who survives the overture overdose. Rating: 2.0 Martinis |
| VERY
BAD THINGS Just some of the very bad moments in this film; a hooker gets pithed in the cranium, a security guard gets corkscrewed and bleeds to death and several members of the wedding party die in a variety of disturbing ways. Not a happy film. And not a funny film to say the least. Then there’s that deja vu scene where Christian Slater’s seen snorting coke and helping destroy a hotel room. Unlike it’s dark comedy contender, Happiness, this vile and ugly film is unbearable. Even the lovely Cameron Diaz couldn’t save it. Rating: 0 Martinis |
|
|
THE
VIRGIN SUICIDES |
| VIRUS A virus is an infectious disease, sometimes without a cure. Add Jamie Lee Curtis, Donald Sutherland and Billy - opps, William Baldwin and find me a vaccine quick! In Virus, a big-budgeted sci-fi bust, somehow an unknown electrical phenomenon from outer space surges itself through the Russian space station, MIR, down onto their control ship at sea, killing all crew on board except one sexy computer radar tech. She’s just that good. When salvage tugboat crew ‘Jamie and gang’ board this strangely deserted vessel, here comes that electrical life form as half men/half mechanical freakazoids in dire need for more body parts. Theirs! Aside from the expected ‘don’t-go-down-that corridor’ anxiety, "Virus" falls short of even a video rental. First time director, John Bruno impresses the screen with dazzling effects. But, if I didn’t love Jamie Lee and martinis so much I wouldn’t have to give "Virus" at least one martini with an olive floater, and by all means wait for cable! Rating: 1 Martini |
©1999 - 2001
BeatBoxBetty.com
All rights reserved.
The BeatBoxBetty trademark is a solely owned property.