BeatBoxBetty's Movie Reviews

TALENTED MR. RIPLEY, THE
Is everybody in Hollywood smokin' crack? This long-ass movie jaunts around Italy with spoiled Dickie Greenleaf (Jude Law), his upper-crusty gal pal (Gwyneth Paltrow) and the most un-gay gay man I've ever seen named Tom Ripley (played freakily by Mr. Matt Damon). This puppy was nominated for 5 Golden Globes including Best Drama? Ripley himself has no back story so you don't know who the hell he is, making you feel totally detached - and although everybody's dressed dreadfully hip and there's a brutal scene in a rowboat between Ripley and Dickie - nice special effects makeup - whatever - but a masterpiece? Me thinks not.

And I loved Gwyneth in Shakespeare in Love , but here she's reduced to a dim debutante who loves creepy Dickie despite his cheatin' ways. Give me an oar in the head! It's like a bad soap opera but there's no pay off. Susan Lucci doesn't pop up out of a steamer trunk declaring her love for the confused Ripley. As for Damon, his mood swings and personality shifts are so obvious on-screen that why nobody else in the movie can see his guilt totally pissed me off. After enduring what seemed to take forever to sizzle out, I found that Mr. Ripley wasn't very talented at all. Rating: 3.0 Martinis

TARZAN
Disney's back with a sure-to-be animated classic as our hunky hero Tarzan whips through the jungle in a tiny loin cloth and falls for an adorable Jane. You’ll laugh and cry and leave the theater feeling totally satisfied. Rosie O'Donnell's Brooklyn-ized ape did bug me like nails on chalkboard, but Betty still gives it a whopping 4.75 Martini rating! A swingin’ good time!

TEA WITH MUSSOLINI
I don’t know why critics are poo-poo-ing this charming film. Franco Zeffirelli captures Florence, Italy (pre-WW2) in all it’s glory using some of the best actresses on the planet – Joan Plowright, Maggie Smith, Judi Dench, Cher and Lily Tomlin. A group of eccentric British women try to hold on to the beauty and art of Italy as Mussolini’s power grows. Rating: 4.5 Martinis

TEACHING MRS. TINGLE
Terrific looking teens take over this thriller/comedy about 3 students (Katie Holmes, Barry Watson and newcomer Marisa Coughlan) who try to persuade their insane teacher (Helen Mirren) to change their grades. Marvelous Mirren soaks up the camera with some of the best lines around in this entertaining romp through high school. Rating: 3.5 Martinis

THE IN CROWD
It's just not a good sign when a studio doesn't offer a screening of their release to the press. And unfortunately, that was the case with "The In Crowd". But instead of passing rash judgement on the film, I forked out the friggin' 8 bucks to go see it. Big mistake. "The In Crowd" plays more like a TV show, along the lines of "Popular Meets Dawson's Creek Meets Cruel Intentions", but as far as a feature - it's cleavage central and spoiled rotten rich kids all the way. Adrien Williams (Lori Heuring) enters the "In Crowd" after a stint in a mental hospital. After leaving the psycho ward, she's hired by a posh East Coast country club and befriended by Brittany Foster (Susan Ward), who's the curvacious leader of a clique of wealthy brats. Brittany takes Adrien under her wing with what seems at first like a bit of femme-on-femme lustiness (much of the movie hints at this) until the club's tennis pro, Matt, shows an interest in Adrien. That's when Brittany begins to reveal her dark side...blah, blah, blah. I'd say this movie might be worth a matinee chuckle or two, or maybe an escape from the mall while shopping, but other than that, "The In Crowd" failed to please Betty's picky palate. Rating: 1.5 Martinis

THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY
My favorite comedy this summer is so damn funny, I had to muzzle myself after the first fifteen minutes. Forget Cameron Diaz’ statuesque bod for a second - if you can - and fixate on Ben Stiller’s hilarious portrayal of Ted Stroehmann - who I swear I went "steady" with in Jr. High. He may not have the cleavage Cameron has, but what a performance! From getting his yoohoo stuck in a zipper, to supplying Mary (Diaz) with an age old styling agent, Stiller is stellar. "Something About Mary" follows in the tradition of lunacy that Dumb and Dumber’s Peter and Bobby Farrelly have trademarked themselves with - Raw. Bizarre. And totally off-centered...a must see for all you geeks out there. You know who you are! Rating: 4.0 Martinis

THIN RED LINE, THE
I know this is the most anticipated movie of the year, but can we pa-lease start making these things shorter than three hours?! After sitting through the horrors of war for what seemed like an eternity, my ass was so sore I didn’t care who’s arm got blown off. Nick Nolte does deserve some nice moments (after all, it is his year) and you do get to see the changes in men at battle, but comparing it to Saving Private Ryan (and you know it will be) SPR wins hands down. If you do go see it, just be smart and bring a pillow for your butt. Rating of 2.75 Martinis Sorry Academy - I calls ‘em as I sees ‘em.

13TH WARRIOR, THE
Yikes. Blood, severed heads and ridiculously boring dialogue make up this sad adaptation of Michael Crichton’s Eaters of The Dead. (At least they changed the title.) But that’s the only smart move they made. If you can dig Antonio Banderas’ Spanglish imitation of Lawrence of Arabia, by all means spend your dough. Just remember, I warned you. Rating: 2.0 Martinis.

THIRTEENTH FLOOR, THE
Craig Bierko, Vincent D’Onofrio and Gretchen Moll star in this dismal attempt of a cyber thriller that’s so slow moving, you really don’t give a rat’s ass what’s real or what’s surreal. A laser-like machine allows users to go back in the ‘30s to role play in "units" made in their image. Blah, blah, blah. Besides, didn’t the TV series Star Trek already do this? Rating: 1.0 Martini

THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR, THE
Sexy! Sexy! Sexy! Omigod you have to see this flawless (oh, and sexy) romantic thriller that not only keeps you guessing, but actually bowls you over. Pierce Brosnan, Rene Russo and yummy Faye Dunaway (from the original cast) ooze sophistication and charm. Intelligent filmmaking that makes this one of the best remakes ever! Rating: 4.5 Martinis.

THREE KINGS
Though Betty's never joined the Clooney fan clan, I gotta say, the former scrub pulls through in this gritty, gutsy and dusty action flick. Perhaps it's cuz co-stars Ice Cube and Mark 'Washboard Abs' Wahlberg also share the spray of dramedy. Set in post-Bush Desert Storm, a group of ruff-n-tuff soldiers try to steal back the gold Saddam swiped. Unique, nail-biting and freshly funny. Rating: 4.5 Martinis

TIMECODE
I have to admit, I had my reservations about seeing four frames of a single day on one large screen. Where would my attention go? Who would I watch? What about the missing dialogue? But it was the brilliant direction of Mike Figgis that pulled this voyeuristic-esque soap opera together - and pleased the pants right off of Betty. This puppy was shot entirely in one day with hand-held digital video cameras in sequence, in real time with no editing. Hear that? No editing! Add to that, the actors (Salma Hayek, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Stellan Skarsgard and a host of other fine thespians) who improvised their scenes based on the central elements Figgis laid down, and you got yourself an engrossing piece of film.

And it's the characters that keeps you there. There's the coke addicted movie executive and his confused wife, an aspiring lesbian actress ready to do whatever it takes to get a part, and her gal-pal whose pushed to the brink after she hears all the sordid details of her lover's indiscretions. Shakespeare would be proud. The ending did go a bit over the top - but I forgive the easy way out, as the other 95% of the film worked its magic just fine. Rating: 4.5 Martinis

TITAN A.E.
After I recuperated from my bleeding eardrums (warning: this movie is LOUD!) I gathered my thoughts and said to myself..."I want my two hours back." Yes, yes...Matt Damon and Drew Barrymore are the voices of the animated fighters of freedom in this sci-fi flick about saving the human race - but other than tons of explosions and fight scenes, this film didn't offer much in a story. Now, the soundtrack does kick galactic booty and the animation is purdy to look at, but I just wanted it all to be over. Perhaps that had something do with the fact that it was such a loud movie and I saw little children holding their ears. By the way, I wouldn't take the tiny tots to see this "cartoon" - it's pretty violent and they might get bored after the first 10 minutes. Rating: 1.0 Martini

TITUS
Any movie that can keep me with my jaw dropped in anticipation over Shakespearian dialogue scores mega martinis. Add to that the scrumptious sets and gorgeous costumes - an effect that the film's director Julie Taymor, (also director of Broadway's The Lion King) took great pains in creating for one of Shakespeare's darkest tales. We follow the great Roman general Titus Andronicus (Anthony Hopkins) as he spirals into a violent world of despair and final victory when he crosses wits with Tamora (Jessica Lang) the Queen of the Goths. If you can handle it, it's a fab film adventure. Rating: 4.0 Martinis

TOPSY-TURVY
Maybe I missed something. In fact maybe I missed the whole movie. But with all the thick, dry British lingo that's tossed around - I couldn't figure out what the hell they were talking about. In fact, when the screening film actually broke in two about 45 minutes into the whole mess, I picked up my sanity and left the theater. Maybe I would've agreed with all those other critics (who seem to be in love with this story about Gilbert & Sullivan) but the only way I'll give it another chance is if they get subtitles. Rating: 2.0 Martinis

TOY STORY 2
Is the sequel just as good as the original? You bet! Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen), Mr. Potato Head, Slinky Dog, Rex and Hamm return to rescue our flexible hero Woody (Tom Hanks) as he's swiped by a toy salesman (Wayne Knight) seeking big bucks from a Japanese museum who wants to put him behind glass for eternity and beyond! This time around the Woodster finds out he was a TV sensation in the '50s and is actually part of a rare set that includes Prospector Pete (Kelsey Grammer) and a Calamity Jane-esque Jessie (Joan Cusack). The computer animation's once again top-notch and parents won't have to bribed to take their kids to see it; the storyline's a real treat for the entire family. Hey - Barbie even gets a cameo! Rating: 4.5 Martinis

TRICK
I never thought I’d say this but, the best thing about this gay romp is Tori Spelling. That said, the rest of it focuses on (in a very PC way mind you) the lusty beginnings of boy meeting boy. Neve’s brother Christian Campbell finds out that the buff beauty of his desires, John Paul Pitoc, is more than just a pretty face. But we knew that all along. Rating: 3.0 Martinis.

TRIXIE
There's a great cast that includes the likes of Emily Watson, Nick Nolte, Nathan Lane, Brittany Murphy and Dermot Mulroney. But all the Thespian power in the world couldn't help this slow moving tale about a simple-girl gumshoe (ie: security guard at a cheesy gambling casino) named Trixie Zurbo who gets tangled up with a whole host of shady characters, including a horny senator (Nolte) and a slick-Rick ladies' man (Mulroney) while she tries to track down a killer.

Trixie's bizarre grasp of the English language starts out cute enough as she butchers popular phrases, but after 10 minutes it gets old and you wonder if this film is meant to be a comedy or a mystery. The two obviously don't mix that well in this case, but you gotta give them credit for trying. On second thought, no I don't... Rating: 2.0 Martinis

TRUE CRIME
Like a fine wine, it’s all in the aging. Clint Eastwood’s face may be showing the December years, but o’ what a winter he’s having. He’s taken a solid script, a recycled justice drama and directed himself in a gem. Taking on softer, unbalanced character types lately; Steve Everett (Eastwood), a recovering alcoholic and philandering newspaper reporter is assigned to cover the execution of a convicted killer. Priding himself on the only virtue he’s got left, his "nose" for a story, he sets out to prove the state is about to execute an innocent man. Banter maestros, James Woods and Denis Leary are engaging to watch as Clint’s editors. A solid 4 Martinis.

TRUMAN SHOW, THE
Good news for rubber-face. After a ragged run with ho-hummer flicks (Liar Liar, Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls) - Jim Carrey’s career is finally back on track. In other words, the funny guy delivers big time. Now, if he’s Oscar material is another story. In The Truman Show he plays the world’s biggest media sensation who’s pluggin; everything from slice-n-dice knives to powdered cocoa. Only problem is, he doesn’t know it. He also doesn’t know that all of the people in his life have SAG cards. For thirty years his life has been scripted and programmed for product placement and big ratings.

But don’t think all the magic lies within Carrey’s comic genius. Peter Weir’s direction is to die for. He turns the picture-perfect town of Seaside, Florida not only into Truman’s haven, but his prison as well. Just think "Stepford Wives meets Forrest Gump." The only thing going against The Truman Show is that you want Carrey to be funny all of the time. Let’s face it, he’s good at that. But as the antics drop into dramatic moments, you can’t help but think he’s gonna respond by talking through his butt cheeks or something. Kudos still go out to Scary Carrey who manages to pull it off with style and terrific timing. Rating: 4.5 Martinis.

TUMBLEWEEDS
What a breath of fresh air. This is one of the most engaging films of the year and compared to it's weaker mimeographed version (Sarandon and Portman's Anywhere But Here), this film really shows you the beauty, the patience and the pain of a modern day mother/daughter relationship. Janet McTeer comes at you like a freight train as single mom Mary Jo Walker with a zesty spunk and sex appeal that's unparalleled. In fact McTeer is riveting in every scene, as is her well-matched co-star Kimberly Brown. This spunky young actress plays her 12-year-old daughter, Ava, who has as much persistence and personality as her wild-with-the-world mother. A must-see film for all ages! Rating: 5.0 Martinis

TURN IT UP
I know I don't understand what living in the ghetto is like, but I don't think this movie knows what it's like either. Turn It Up's central character is a hip hop artist known as Diamond (Fugee's founding bandmember, Pras) who's pursuing his dream of becoming a rap superstar. But he insists on hanging out with his trigger-happy pal Gage (Ja-Rule) whose temptation for quick money by running drugs and shooting shady characters puts both of them in danger. My main complaint about this film is that it's hard to feel compassion for either one of them when they're toting guns, driving around in brand new SUV's on cell phones and sporting some of the finest threads I've seen on a man. Now, both Ja-Rule and Pras do have amazing charisma on screen, but a few more acting lessons might come in handy if they really want to pursue a career both in music and on film. Rating: 2.0 Martinis

28 DAYS
Hey now. First Julia Roberts came through with Erin Brockovich, and now our sassy Sandra Bullock gets to shine in this darkly comic look at modern-day sobriety. There is a God! Some critics are panning the film for it’s sweet sensibility, but Betty really liked it and I thought Sandra Bullock has finally hit her mark as an actress. And it’s not as the angelic little girl we all know her by. Nope – her character, Gwen Cummings, is a successful New York writer living as a major party girl. After behaving like a baboon at her sister’s (Elizabeth Perkins) wedding and earning a DUI, Gwen’s sentenced to 28 days in court-ordered rehab. Can you say “Kume-bye-yah My Lord”? What follows is a surprisingly emotional and funny dramedy about the path of setting the record straight and getting on with your life. Rating: 4.0 Martinis

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