BeatBoxBetty's Movie Reviews

RANDOM HEARTS
Random plot, random story and worst of all random performances. What started out as a juicy concept ended up as long-ass movie. The obvious subplot about a puzzling love tryst between Harrison Ford’s dead wife and Kirstin Scott Thomas’s equally dead husband was feeble. Instead, director Sydney Pollack quit working when he decided to act in his own film. The back of my eyelids saw more action. Rating: 1 Martini

RED PLANET **WARNING: SPOILER REVIEW
Omigod. Okay. How bad can a movie get? This bad. There must be something in the water, 'cuz there's definitely nothing in this movie. The horrid details? Earth becomes unlivable for human beings and a team of astronauts travel to Mars to check out the living conditions of the red planet. But, through one peril after another (after yet another) the mission becomes a disaster. Much like the film's boring script. The ever-so trippy Val Kilmer plays a mechanical engineer who has a thing for the ship's Commander (Carrie-Anne Moss), and Tom Sizemore also goes down in flames as the molecular DNA hoody haddy who ends up dead like the rest of the crew. The film comes complete with a few cold booby shots of a chilly Moss in a white tank top. Woopty Doo. It's still not worth $8.50. Rating: 1.0 Martini

REINDEER GAMES
Dead Santas abound as Rudy (Ben Affleck) finishes off his five years in prison for grand theft auto. While avoiding dropping the soap in the shower, he develops the hots for his cell mate's gorgeous pen pal, Ashley (Charlize Theron). Wait - there's more! After a riot, he pretends to be her scribe-in-the-slammer buddy so he can...what else...get the girl. Dumb move buddy. That's when her loony brother (Gary Sinise) gets a hair-brained idea to rob an Indian casino. Should he tell his new babe that he's a fake? Or should he go on deceiving her? That's the premise this fruitcake flick got financed on!! Is there no God? Obviously not. What else could explain John (Manchurian Candidate) Frankenheimer 's involvement with it? In short, save this convoluted crap for a video night - on second thought - NOT! Rating: 1.5 Martinis

REMEMBER THE TITANS
You know you can't go wrong with an incredible star like Denzel Washington to move your picture. He's handsome. He can act. And there's just something about this guy that makes you want to believe him. But then you throw him into a Jerry "More Explosions Please" Bruckheimer film with a so-so script about racial conflict in the '70s after the integration of a black and white high school in the South - - and you've got a mixed bag of nuts. Face it. People have been hating each other for their differences throughout history - so it's a great premise and important topic. But after the first few minutes of "good vs. evil" and inspirational novelty wears off, the relentless predictability just drags the film down, taking what could've been an amazing experience down to the level of "hmm, it was okay."

Washington plays a tough love high school football coach with an unusual style but nonetheless wonderful ability to get what he needs out of his players. And I love Denzel...always will...but I don't expect him to pull out stunning films all of the time. I didn't do backflips over "The Bone Collector" either. Nuff said? To be fair - even though I found some of this movie to be schlocky and hokey, you might find it worth a look-see. It's a feel good, comin' at you from all angles kinda flick. And sometimes we need the comfort of "feel good" without having to think too deeply. Rating: 3.0 Martinis

THE REPLACEMENTS
I know it looks tacky as hell, but I kinda dug this lighthearted "North Dallas Forty" like flick starring Keanu Reeves, Gene Hackman and cutie pie Brooke Langton. In the beginning it's painful to watch Reeves as a former football star turned barnacle scraper, but as the movie progressed it became a fun, popcorn munching no-brainer. Although the portrayal of the evil pro football players is a little overdone, there's plenty of great gridiron action and some funny one-liners that override any slow moments in the film.

What's it about? The oddball replacements, who now get a chance at the big time, fumble and fall and ultimately redeem themselves after their coach (Hackman) pulls them together under the guidance of quarterback Shane Falco (Reeves) -- proving that the little trains that could can knock the shit out of the competition if they believe in themselves. Corny, yes. But there are some nice moments. All in all, I had a good time watching this puppy. Rating: 3.5 Martinis

RETURN TO ME
The commercials would have you believe that this is the funniest thing since sliced bread … I know ... bread isn’t all that funny … but then again, neither is this movie. The plot was so predictable and slow, Betty fell asleep three (count ‘em) three times. Not a good sign. Then we have David Duchovny walking through his scenes with as much passion as he does with Scully on “X-Files” … again not good. And poor Minnie Driver is extremely underused as she’s reduced to play a sweet Irish-girl-next-door-with-his-wife’s-heart who swoons over Mulder (I mean David’s character). Do I sound bitter? I just want my long 2+ hours to “Return To Me.” Rating: 1.5 Martinis

ROAD TRIP
Summer is creeping its big, sweaty head out from behind the clouds - and that means one thing; it's time to enjoy young-adult insanity. And that's exactly what you get with "Road Trip", a raunchy college comedy starring Canada's hottest import, Tom Green. From licking mice, to getting up close and personal with a snake, Green's comedic timing is right on from the get-go. Now I see what Drew Barrymore sees in him...he's nuts - but in a good way.

Not that the story means that much, but a group of guys go on a search-n-rescue mission after their pal (Brecklin Meyer) accidentally sends his girlfriend a video of him having sex with another chickie (Amy Smart). Woops - he shoulda sent it Fed Ex. The helpful buds are comprised of hunky Sean W. Scott (American Pie), the adorably geeky DJ Qualls and another Clearly Canadian, Paulo Costanzo. Now, the jokes are a bit off-color and some of you thin-skinned ones might not appreciate all that this film throws at you. That's fine. But for those of you who appreciate those inebriated days of coed chaos and other hormonal flicks like "Animal House" and "American Pie", you'll be happy you forked out the eight bucks for "Road Trip". Party on! Rating: 4.0 Martinis

ROCKY & BULLWINKLE, THE ADVENTURES OF
Taking the world of animation to the next level, the 1964 toon team of Rocky & Bullwinkle jump into the real world to take on the villainous threesome of Boris (Jason Alexander), Natasha (Rene Russo) and Fearless Leader (Robert DeNiro). But since they ARE Rocky & Bullwinkle, sent to help our hopeless heroes is none other than big screen babe Piper Perabo (Coyote Ugly). She's not much of an actress in this romp, but her wardrobe is to die for! Fashion statements aside, I thought the first 15 minutes were cute enough - with references to the original show and some adult humor, but the timing is more like a runaway train that's packed with far too many bad puns and guffaws. In fact, it was so "one-level" I fell asleep not once, not twice, but THREE times. The initial thrill is there, but it wears REAL FAST. Rating: 1.5 Martinis

ROMANCE
No wonder we hate the French! Maybe they should stick to making wine, cheese and perfume. Romance is about a self-loathing bird of a woman who turns into a total nympho when she’s had all that she "can’t take" from her frigid boyfriend. And those close-ups! When they zoomed in on the lead’s "rosebud" I almost lost my lunch. Pervs will enjoy lots of hand jobs, rape and truly bad cinema. Rating: 1 Martini

ROMEO MUST DIE
Sure, some critics will call it stereotypical and simple-minded, but Jet Li's latest high action hip-hop romp is definitely entertaining. At least I thought so. Much like Shakespeare's classic tale of true love torn between two rival families, Romeo follows an ex-cop (Jet) who's been wrongfully imprisoned as he comes to America to find out who murdered his brother.

On his mission, he meets up with the super fine Aaaliyah who's the daughter of a rival family (Asian and African American gangs of New York are in a major brew-ha-ha). Despite the odds that stand between the two, they manage to help each other and the truth is soon discovered. What really matters is that there's plenty of amazing fight scenes and funny moments for a mature audience. In other words, leave the kiddies at home. Rating: 4.0 Martinis

ROSETTA
Emilie Dequenne (Best Actress at Cannes) plays a poor girl whose life totally sucks. She lives in a trailer with her out-of-control alcoholic mother and she's desperate for work. We see her fight to survive over and over again. In fact, she struggles with everyone; an over obvious symbol of her battle to overcome her surroundings and herself. Although brave filmmaking is evident in this gripping story, the shaky cam gets old real quick; an aspect that borders on ruining the entire film. Rating: 3.5 Martinis

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
Lord, I tried to love this. I mean, Sam Jackson has been known to pull one out of his hat once in awhile. And I think Tommy Lee Jones is just amazing to watch on-screen (he shines in the film‘s court scenes)… but this film takes so long to get the point, it starts losing steam from the opening credits. Sam plays Col. Terry Childers, USMC, a Vietnam vet ordered to lead a squadron to evacuate an ambassador and his family in Yemen.

Forced to shoot at nearly 100 people, he’s then accused of mass murder by the U.S. Government, who also has evidence of his innocence. Now, Tommy may have a few nice moments and Sam works what he’s got – but I gotta say, playing a New Yawker military attorney, Guy Pearce chews up the scenery like a cow. Just a bit of overacting there, dude? Rating: 2.5 Martinis

RUNAWAY BRIDE
Sure Julia Roberts and Richard Gere look good together, but if anybody buys this gooey wet re-hashed romantic comedy, then I’ve got a bridge I wanna sell them. Just another pretty girl looking for a pretty boy to love her happily ever after. Don’t get me wrong, I love Garry Marshall, but he still might be living in the days of Laverne and Shirley. Rating: 2.5 Martinis.

RUNNING FREE
Although "Running Free" features some beautiful photography and you'll be tempted to take the kiddies since it's rated G... I found it so sad and depressing, that if I were 5 or 6 years old, I'd become a vegetarian PETA member in a heartbeat. Just think "Babe" meets "Cinderella" meets "The Stallion". This is the tragic (and at times uplifting) tale of one unlucky horse named Lucky, told from the hoofer's perspective. We see him grow in a crowded railroad box from a clumsy colt into a magnificent stallion who makes his mark in the horridly hot and desolate Skeleton Coast of Namibia.

After being separated from his mother, the small and vulnerable horse is soon adopted by an orphaned stable boy in a mining town, then a Bushman girl and then an Oryx antelope. But both humans and animals treat Lucky so horribly I found that the sad scenes were beyond intense and far too long. Eventually, things do work out, but the long trip to get their is filled with so many painful and sad scenes, your kids will be in tears. Rating: 2.0 Martinis

RUSH HOUR
Despite the high pitched rantings of Chris Tucker and the wall climbing antics of Jackie Chan, this action film actually put me to sleep. Not even the gun shots and explosions could keep me awake. In fact, the lady sitting next to me had to nudge my elbow a few times to stop me from snoring. What can I say? I guess the tired formula of "funny guy meets limber action hero" is a lot like a turkey dinner. Nothing more than a tasteless tough meat sedative. Rating: 1.5 Martinis.

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