BeatBoxBetty's Movie Reviews

MAFIA!
Although trailers promised a plate full of satire - spicy meatballs of mirth marinated in somewhat repulsive but brash gags - what you wind up getting is more like canned Spagettios. In short, an unsuccessful attempt to bring us another Airplane. Although great one-liners abound between Jay Mohr and Christina Applegate, you can't help but cringe when Lloyd Bridges (rest his soul) is on screen. How disturbing is it that my last memory of the "Sea Hunt" hunk is one of him sporting a huge chunk of watermelon in his mouth? Way disturbing. Rating: 1 Martini

MAGNOLIA
First off, this movie is butt-numbing long. That said, bring a pillow and enjoy - cuz it's also a delicious menagerie of interlaced story lines that draws you in like a bee to honey. Most of the cast of Boogie Nights is here - Phillip Seymour Hoffman, William Macy, Julianne Moore...alongside powerful veteran thespians like Jason Robards and Phillip Baker Hall who play the patriarchal figureheads. Sir Tom Cruise also does a fine job as a slimy guys-I'll-help-you-get-more-tail TV personality. Perhaps Betty's fave of the cast is "everyday guy" John C. Reilly (Boogie Nights) whose portrayal of a sweet San Fernando Valley cop is right on the money. But the real hero of this film is the one who gently pulled it all together - writer and director Paul Thomas Anderson. Brilliant and moving images unravel a simple fact about life...it's weird. Magnolia is one sweet flower you simply must inhale to enjoy. Rating: 5.0 Martinis

MAN ON THE MOON
I know my fellow critic pals are all drooling over this film, but much like the real Andy Kaufman, there's just something about it that bugged me. Don't get me wrong - Jim Carrey does a great impression of the late comedian, but that's all I saw. Courtney Love is totally underused as his girlfriend, and the hype that follows this film is at times just too much to swallow. Simply put - I didn't like Andy before this movie -and I still don't like him. The Academy might disagree with me, but Man on the Moon is just too spacey for this Betty. Rating: 3.0 Martinis

MARCELLO MASTROIANNI: I REMEMBER
Via sub titles galore, the late great Mastroianni takes you back through his life and his work in this l-o-n-g winded documentary. How long? Let's just say Titanic looks like a commercial compared to this monster. What do you learn? He hated the Latin lover label, adored Duke Ellington and your butt falls asleep after two hours in a theater seat. Rating: 1.5 Martinis

ME, MYSELF & IRENE
I keep trying to like Jim Carrey movies, honest I do. But darn it, why is it like eating Chinese food when I see him on screen? Sure. Truman was cool. And I thought Dumb and Dumber was a blast. But this latest jaunt into "butt joke central" just left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Maybe they used MSG. It could happen!

Now, don't get me wrong - there are a few fun moments as Carrey's 3 black children swear the livin' shit out of every sentence and a dying cow refuses to die - whatever - but then there's those moments where the jokes are so juvenile they lay flat waiting for Carrey to sweep them up with a shovel of facial contortions. I'd say it's worth a matinee or maybe a blind date, but it's no Chicken Run! Rating: 2.75 Martinis

MEET THE PARENTS
If you've ever had to meet your significant other's parental units, you know it's a frightening experience. You want them to like you. They want to like you. But there's always that one joker - the dad from hell who's gonna put you in his cross hairs and keep you there until you mess up. Now, poor Greg Focker (Ben Stiller) is head over heels with his girlfriend Pam (Teri Polo), and the guy's ready to pop the big question. When his attempt to propose is messed up by news that Pam's younger sister is getting married, Greg realizes that the key to Pam lies with her fiercely protective father, Jack (Robert DeNiro).

That's when it gets good. Real good. Stiller is perfect as the overachiever who makes a mess out of everything and DeNiro's trademark stinky face grin is put to good use in this role. Romantics everywhere will get a kick out of this light but tasty comedy. Rating: 4.0 Martinis

THE MESSENGER: THE STORY OF JOAN OF ARC
First off, let me say that I don't think it's Milla Jovovich's fault. Luc Besson is the one to blame for this lame look at France's most memorable martyr teen. Joan is reduced to a nutso who leads a bloody battle for France only to have her conscious (played inappropriately by a Obi Wan Kenobi-ish Dustin Hoffman) tell her she should've stayed home and baked some cookies. Add to that, the film's overly dramatic misplaced music and poor Milla - who looks hot in short blonde hair but is way over her head in this role. Never fear...once she gets away from Luc's control, me thinks she'll have a better time of it. The one good scene in the film has her falling away from the director off of a 75 ft. ladder into the arms of her loyal soldiers. Let's hope that's not what it takes in real life. Rating: 2.0 Martinis

MICKEY BLUE EYES
Although I’m not a big Hugh Grant fan, this mobster spoofin’ romantic comedy actually works on several levels. First off, Julia Roberts is no where to be seen. Then there’s the puppy-dog faced Grant maintaining his oh-so gentlemanly British charm around a bunch of Soprano-esque thugs. Nice moments make this a fun and flirty film. Rating: 3.5 Martinis.

MIGHTY, THE
Finally. A movie well worth your hard earned cashola! Kieran Culkin outshines his brother in the touching tale of two young outsiders who combine their talents to form a modern day noble knight. In addition to Kieran, Mighty Ducks regular Elden Henson also makes you pull out the hanky as the gentle giant with a heart the size of Ohio. The film also stars Sharon Stone and Gillian Anderson, who enjoys a memorable appearance that (thankfully) bares no resemblance to Scully. Overall Rating: 4.0 Martinis

MIGHTY JOE YOUNG
First off, I’d like to point out that this movie is getting really good reviews. Maybe I missed the banana boat – but with a script as corny as this one, somebody’s gotta be sniffing some glue. Okay, so Charlize Theron is stunning. She’s stunning in a potato sack. In fact, when she’s on screen in that slinky white dress, every man, woman and child gasps over her beauty. And Rick Baker’s special effects are impressive as well. Joe really comes to life. That said, I just couldn’t get over the script. Good news is, the kids won’t notice it after eyeing Charlize! Overall Rating: 2.0 Martinis.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 2
Although this thing's gonna be HUGE at the box office, and both Tom Cruise and Thandie Newton sure are purdy to look at - something about this sequel left me feeling flat. In fact I felt so distant from the characters and the plot that I didn't care how many times Tommy Boy did a somersault. And despite hiring legendary action director John Woo, "Mission Impossible 2" ends up being just another schlock fest with high speed hi-jinx and more stunts than anybody should ever throw money at.

But is there a decent story? Does it provoke me to have an interest in the characters? Other than a few nice moments of Thandie on-screen, it was as if they wrote the script after the stunts were mapped out. In other words, it ain't all that. I do have to give an olive out to Mr. Cruise who (according to everybody working on the film) did most his own stunts. Good. His membership at the gym was worth it. But worth your eight bucks? See it at a matinee. Rating: 2.0 Martinis

MISSION TO MARS
For being one of the most anticipated films of the year for Space Ghosters, it sure got the cold shoulder (some scenes even received a vocal "oh brother" ) from the audience I sat with. The plot? It's 2020 and a band of I-got-your-back-man astronauts go on a rescue mission to save their buddy who's stranded on Mars - but things just don't go as planned. But then again, when does it with NASA? Sure there's some nice effects (Tim Robbins nails his Mr. Freeze impression), but the corny dialogue is so bad, you can't help but want your money back. I was lucky (I think) I saw it for free. Luckily, they were giving away free Mars bars at the screening . so I got that going for me. Rating: 1.5 Martinis

MOLLY
Although Elisabeth Shue’s performance as Molly is fine, "Molly" only offers up a warm and fuzzy story about human discovery (not that I’m knocking warm and fuzzy). Living most her life in a mental institution, this young autistic woman is forced by Government cuts to live in the real world, moves in with her brother and qualifies for experimental brain surgery. The surgery a success, Molly soon discovers how "normal" people tend to cut themselves off from life’s amenities. Rating: 2 Television Martinis

MULAN
Finally, Disney rolled up the nerve to put out one helluva fine flick. And its name is Mulan. This cinematic gem delivers the 2000 year-old tale of a brave girl who risks her life by cross-dressing as a male soldier in order to save her ailing father. Despite the long-held Chinese taboo that women are to be seen and not heard (let alone kick-ass) - Mulan risks it all to save the day, the family honor and the country. Even better - she doesn’t have to wait for some chiseled-chin wonder boy to ride in on a horse to save her. Nope. Mulan herself does the saving...and she even manages to change a few minds in the process. Not bad for a girl huh?! Rating: 4 Martinis...

MUMMY, THE
Riddle me this...what do you get when you cross a major hunk with a pitiful script? A messy curse no studio could survive. This $70 million remake has Legionnaire (Brendan Fraser) falling for a purdy librarian (Rachel Weisz) while the earth is ravaged by a pissed off Egyptian priest with bad skin. The Mummy needs to go back to it’s tomb. Rating: 1.0 Martini

MUPPETS FROM SPACE
The gang’s back together again in this sweet and fun tale that has Gonzo (pictured) searching for his roots. Although longing to reunite with his alien clan, our purple pal must decide between his family tree and his family of friends. Sounds like a Hallmark card, huh? Betty still got a kick out of this fine family fare. Rating: 3.5 Martinis.

MUSE, THE
Albert Brooks had all the right ingredients: a 75% witty script, cameos galore and Sharon Stone. But somehow (thanks in large part to Andie MacDowell’s lousy acting) The Muse isn’t as amusing as you’d think it would be. It follows an aging screenwriter and his attempt to gain inspiration from a successful muse. Too bad the film didn’t hire one. Rating: 2.0 Martinis.

MY DOG SKIP
It's 1942 and Willie Morris (Frankie Muniz), a shy and gawky eight-year-old boy gets a puppy that changes his life. That's what this sweet, but lack lustre story is mostly about. Perhaps Muniz' new FOX sitcom, Malcolm in the Middle, might be a certified hit but this dog is DOA as a nice attempt at a family film. Kevin Bacon plays Willie's stern, over-protective father who lost his leg in the Spanish Civil War, and his mother (Diane Lane) is the loving force behind the family. Although a story about a boy trying to find his own way via the love he has for his pup is admirable, riveting cinema it ain't. Rating: 1.5 Martinis

MYSTERY, ALASKA
This semi sweet tale about a small town’s obsession with it’s hockey team boasts a lot of fun moments. But it’s more than sweaty guys slamming against each other. Mr. ABC (David E. Kelley) smartly weaves mini storylines that follow quirky locals and the sheriff/player (Russell Crow) as he feels the squeeze of mid life. Burt Reynolds, Hank Azaria and Lolita Davidovich also star. Rating: 3.5 Martinis

MYSTERY MEN
More like Mystery Meat! I don't care if Stiller, Garofalo or Pee Wee are in this bad attempt at a fantasy-comedy. Directed by the guy who made those Taco Bell commercials, this unfunny flick left my buns numb and my life two hours shorter. Other than a chuckle from Paul Reubens' farts, you'll scratch your head wondering why this was even made. Rating: 1 Martini

home