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| HANNIBAL What a disappointment this turned out to be. Unlike its predecessor (the scarier than shit "Silence of the Lambs"), the new and unimproved "Hannibal" offers little more than a tingle or two of any type of terror. Julianne Moore does her best to play the part of a tough FBI agent, but face it, Jodie Foster will always be Clarise. No amount of jaw-clinching southern drawl will ever change that. But the real problem isn't who should play who, but the script. Basically, there's less frights per bite and no real villain for you to root against. We hated the creepy seamstress dude with a thang for lotion. HATED HIM! We wanted to see him die. And we sort of liked Hannibal's feelings for Clarise and his interesting way of choosing his entrees. But in this mess, we're left with a blabbering Gary Oldman and a dickhead Ray Liotta to wish into hell. Anthony Hopkins tries to bring us closer to Dr, Lechter, but the sopping-wet-in-sweat script (penned by Steven "Schindler's List" Zaillian and David Mamet) never turns into a nail biter. Rating: 2.5 Martinis |
| HAPPINESS Since I’m always honest with you, I gotta say, this was one of the hardest films I’ve had to review. Although I laughed my Betty butt off at the hilarious human frailties Todd Solondz shoves at the audience, I couldn’t help but become disturbed at some scenes involving the child actors. Face it. Pedophilia is not easy to watch. Solondz’ ability to make us look at what we think is perfect and discover it’s rotten to the core is masterful – just not easy to swallow. Rating: 3.5 Martinis. |
| HANGING
UP Oh, just slap me. If you simply must drag your sister to this sour attempt at a dramedy, make sure you buy her a Pashmina shawl beforehand. Then prepare for yet another sappy "chick" flick from the Ephron gals (Nora and Delia) starring the perky Meg Ryan, the underused Lisa Kudrow and the ever-gloved Diane Keaton (who also sits in the director's chair). I tried to like it. Hell, I had to sit in a room and interview with Meg Ryan for cryin' out loud. But despite the fact that Betty adores the stars of this mediocre (at best) film - doesn't change the fact that by the end, I just wanted the whiny sister act to stop. Hanging Up should be disconnected. Rating: 1.5 Martinis |
| HAUNTING,
THE What the hell happened to all those summer blockbusters they promised? Well, if you’re looking for one in this condemned attempt at a spook flick, you’d be better off renting a condo in Salem. Liam Neeson, Catherine Zeta-Jones and my fave indie player Lili Taylor waste their talents on this special effects bomb. "It‘s all about family" my @$$! Rating: 2.0 Martinis. |
| HEAD
OVER HEELS As a fellow critic once said, "Welcome to February!" Translation? Welcome to the time of year when fluffy, milk-toasty flicks fall down from Hollywood's wood pile. That said, this movie wasn't as awful as I thought it would be. But then again, it wasn't that great either. Despite his puppy dog eyes, Freddie Prinze Jr. is under-used (and still not that great of an actor) as the romantic lead opposite Monica Potter - who, by the way, is a dead ringer for a blonde version of Julia Roberts... oh whatever. She's sort of cute and all, but she didn't do a whole lot for me either. I did like the comedy relief team in the form of four supermodels (Shalom Harlow, Sarah O'Hare, Tomiko Fraser, and the oh-so clever Ivanna Milicevic) who saved the film from complete despair. But what lengths they had to go to get there! They even had to shoot poop from a toilet bowl just to get a decent laugh. The plot? Does it really matter? If you're a Freddie fan, you're going so you can see him with his shirt off. And if you're a supermodel fan... well, you just need help. Rating: 2.0 Martinis |
| HEARTBREAKERS Okay. I'll admit I was a bit skeptical about seeing a comedy starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. But hey, I'm a critic - I steep in skepticism. I figured, I could handle her dating dilemmas on TV and those slasher films were always a chuckle, but could she really have the chops for a funny flick? And what about Sigourney Weaver? She's also thrown down some serious lines before. How would she manage the comedy angle? Well, I'm happy to report that both did remarkably well. The two play a mother/daughter con-artist tag-team who set up elaborate schemes to get their hands on wealthy men's fortunes. When Mama Max(Weaver) pulls one of her scams on a rich car thief (the gorgeous Ray Liotta), her mini-skirt-wearing-well-endowed daughter (Hewitt) decides that she wants to split up the act and go solo. Afraid of her making the same mistakes she did (ie: falling in love), Mama takes on yet another con which involves a billionaire tobacco tycoon (played brilliantly over the top by a chain-smoking Gene Hackman). But things go horribly wrong when "smokey" gets a stiffy and the two become the victims of a con themselves. Although the film dips in and out of some sappy moments between Hewitt and her love interest (Jason Lee), overall, the script is quick and smart and extremely enjoyable to see unfold on screen. Ultimately, "Heartbreakers" winds its way into a dark and dirty little winner with enough laughs to make it worth the ticket. Rating: 3.5 Martinis |
| HE
GOT GAME As we have come to expect from Spike Lee, he almost has a hit on his hands. The story’s strong enough...a father seeks redemption and freedom by facing his past and his bankable ball-player-son. The moments between the two are noteworthy indeed, but Lee falls short of producing any masterpiece. Forget the metaphoric one-on-one shots and give me hot shots between Denzel and Milla Jovovich! Although she is under-used in this film, she’s superb as the quirky prostitute who befriends and beds Denzel! All in all, Lee offers up pretty pictures but not much in substance or sound. Rating of 2.5 Martinis |
| HERE
ON EARTH Even though this (yet another contrived teen-triangle love story) has respectable performances from Leelee Sobieski, Chris Klein and Josh Hartnett, I still caught myself giggling at the wrong times. Preppy Kelley (Klein) crosses the wrong side of the tracks, falls for diner waitress Samantha (Sobieski), gets challenged into a drag race with his new graduation gift (a Mercedes, of course) by her jealous boyfriend (Hartnett), then he crashes and destroys the diner that just so happens to be owned by Samantha's mother. Their punishment? Team up and rebuild the diner, and hopefully their character in the process. Meanwhile, Kelley and Samantha fall for each other and contemplate their love destiny. Love may be a many splendor cliché in the movies, but 'Here On Earth' it's all about ratings...and I rate this sappy story with 2.0 Martinis and 1 Olive, pitted. |
| HIDEOUS
KINKY Hideous Stinky! The plot...Julia (Kate Winslet), English mother of two cute precocious little girls, schleps them around 1972 Morocco in search for her inner self. After a ‘cross-legged-on-the-floor question-and-answer chit-chat with a holy guy, Julia realizes she’s not quite ready to accept the religious oblivion she so desires. One-way tickets back to London are bequeathed Julia by a Moroccan boyfriend, Bilah (newcomer, Said Taghmaoui), and on the ‘Express’ train they go. Besides enjoying Kate Winslet’s thespian craft, Said’s performance is a bright spot on this otherwise dim and dingy romp through North Africa. Not even one damn belly dancer to be found! The soundtrack is a toe-tapper...sans "Midnight at the Oasis". Rating: 1.5 Martinis. |
| HIGH
ART With so many movies becoming more and more like Chinese food (you’re always hungry later) what a relief it is to see Ally Sheedy in a comeback piece of such caliber. Who knew the scrawny little dandruff infected teen in The Breakfast Club could be so deep? Playing a heroin hazed photographer (who’s f-cked up girlfriend is a dead-ringer for Marlene Dietrich) Sheedy simply glows. She’s shaky, off-centered and almost comatose - that is, until she meets Ms. Right. That would be her newcomer co-star, Radha Mitchell, who plays an ambitious assistant photo editor smitten by Sheedy’s highest art. Visually dark, damp and deep - kudos go way out to first time writer-director Lisa Cholodenko for a ditty of a debut. Rating: 4 Martinis |
| HIGH
FIDELITY The Top 5 Reasons to see this flick? #1) Not only is this puppy funny, but its original as all hell. #2) I'm getting to think that John Cusack is one of our most under-rated seekers of the right stuff. What with "Being John Malkovich" and now this...he's definitely on a roll. #3) Director Stephen Frears manages to bypass the book-to-bomb syndrome by faithfully adapting Nick Hornby's cult-fave novel so that fans of the scribe can get the same wandering first person plot . #4) Its hip and modern humor proves that somebody at the film studios has a pulse. #5) Although love does indeed suck at times, this modern romantic comedy will give even the biggest geek a glimmer of hope that there's gold at the end of the single rainbow. Rating: 4.5 Martinis |
| HOLY
SMOKE! Great news for Kate Winslet fans - she's more beautiful than ever and naked as a Jay bird. Problem is, she makes it with Harvey Keitel and wees all over herself in this odd ditty from Jane Campion (The Piano). It starts out fine enough - a young Aussie lass (Kate) is on a religious quest in India until she's captured by her concerned (and kooky) family who thinks she's in a cult. They then hire an expert deprogrammer (Harvey) to tame the wild child, but as it turns out, the one who breaks isn't wearing a sheet. Now, I buy the fact that Michael Douglas is boinking Catherine Zeta-Jones, but seeing Kate and Harvey go at it like bunnies gave me the wiilies. Nice try, but I liked her better in Titanic and Heavenly Creatures. And I swear if I see Harvey's butt one more time, I'm gonna lose it! Rating: 2.0 Martinis |
| HOME
FRIES This movie had a few things going for it. Drew Barrymore shines as the Burger Matic babe whose life is in danger after getting knocked up by a married milkshake of a man. And her real life honey, Like Wilson, plays her love interest and hero without a slip. But unfortunately most of the screen time goes to an obnoxious Jake Busey (those teeth!) whose main purpose is to search and destroy. And destroy he does. Even though it’s Drew you want to see more of, it’s Jake you get. Rating: 1 Martini |
| HOW
THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS Good news for those of you who were concerned about Jim Carrey's career - the guy was made to play the Mean One, Mr. Grinch. It's as if that bendable, shape-shifting body of his had channeled the great Dr. Suess (Theodore Geisel) himself. And the role came not a moment too soon. Carrey, who recently stumbled with Me, Myself and Irene hits the cashcow jackpot as the garbage eating, reclusive Grinch. Conspiring to deprive the Who's of their favorite holiday, he discovers that the spirit of Christmas goes much deeper than presents and egg nog. Hmm, notice all the Grinch merchandise floating around this holiday season? That said, there are moments when the whole schtick gets a tad bit old, but Carrey pulls it off with a gentler kind of insanity that, mixed with Ron Howard's recreation of Whoville and the artistry of special make-up effects designer Rick Baker, makes for a decent holiday treat. The film also stars Molly Shannon, Christine Baranski, Taylor Momsen, Jeffrey Tambor, Clint Howard and Taylor Momsen playing Cindy Lou Who. Rating: 3.5 Martinis |
| HUMAN
TRAFFIC Don’t you hate when those “indie” films don’t live up to their potential? Well, this wild and higher-than-high-speed charmer certainly delivers the goods – and then some! This gutsy, unapologetic trip into the raver world of a group of a hard-working blokes from England had Betty glued to her seat and laughing from the get-go. With a lightening fast pace much like another of my fave flicks (“Go!”), “Human Traffic” burns with hip dialogue, sticky situations and a dynamic look at a close group of friends. The film also boasts memorable characters – like Jip, whose “Mr. Floppy” fails whenever he’s about to get lucky, or dead-end Moff who analyzes the metaphysical meaning of “Star Wars”. What’s really amazing about this film is that it was written and directed by 25-year old Justin Kerrigan. Mark my words, this guy’s going to be hotter than hot and if the studio‘s had any sense left in them, they‘d grab him up – and quick! I won’t hold my breath. But lucky for us, he’s managed to woo those folks at Miramax who are distributing this delightfully trippy treat for the senses. See it and then get the kickin’ soundtrack! Rating: 4.5 Martinis |
| HURLY
BURLY Hated it. Hated it. Hated it. Simply put, Hurly Burly made me want to hurl big time. The behind the scenes scoop on spoiled coke-snorting "Hollywood folk" may have been hip in the ‘80s – but in today‘s world of wheatgrass and yoga, who cares? Sean Penn’s shifty mustache drove me nuts. Chazz Palminteri’s rage therapy drove me nuts. And the fact that the faboo Kevin Spacey’s in the middle of all this sh_t drove me nuts too. At least Meg Ryan got to loosen up a bit by playing a pot-smoking nympho who gets thrown out of her car. That’s worth something. Rating: 1.0 Martinis. |
| HURRICANE,
THE A cut Denzel Washington packs a powerful punch as the falsely imprisoned mid weight boxing champ Rubin "Hurricane" Carter in this inspirational and (at times) moving film. Teens could get something out of one of the film's main themes (staying true to one's self) - but alas, the MPAA gave it an R rating. It's probably due to one murder scene, but trust me, the language is fine for all audiences. Denzel's presence is truly riveting and if I may be so bold as to say - he looks FINE! There's this one naked butt scene and D promises it was his own and no body double was used. Right on. But the film does drift a bit from time to time when intertwined with the second drama of Rubin's young friend Lesra Martin (played by Vicellous Reon Shannon). Despite a few lags, you really should see it - at least for Denzel's note-worthy performance. Rating: 3.5 Martinis |
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