Movies D

DEEP BLUE SEA
If you like fast moving, lamely written action flicks and have no intention of going in the ocean ever again, the latest cruncher from Renny Harlin is for you. Personally, Betty found the dumb dialogue disturbing but the shark attack scenes riveting. Saffron Burrows in a wet bra and panties didn't hurt either. Although weak on plot, it still takes a chunk out of you. Rating: 3.0 Martinis.

DETERRENCE
Set in the year 2008, this odd political thriller takes place over the course of an election evening as the incumbent President of the United States (Kevin Pollak) finds himself stranded in Colorado by a freak snowstorm. So where does the most powerful man in the world go? A Broncos game? Skiing? Nope. He goes to a local diner. That's where he and his staff (Timothy Hutton, Sheryl Lee Ralph) soak up the local color until a state of emergency is ordered when Sadaam's son invades Kuwait. The prez then reacts by threatening to drop a nuclear bomb. Hold the Patty Melt, sister! Although it starts out interestingly enough, soon it's all over the place with unrealistic scenarios. Bottom line: video rental. Rating: 2.0 Martinis

DEUCE BIGALOW: MALE GIGOLO
Face it. You thought this movie was going to be a real stinker and it was headed straight for the flusher. But cha, ya know vat? It's a friggin' funny film! I swear, I laughed so hard I almost soiled my seat. Rob Schneider plays lonely guy Deuce Bigalow, a down-on-his-luck fish tank cleaner, who, while fish-sitting for a wealthy he-whore (male prostitute) accidentally answers the phone and ends up going out on a "call." What follows is sheer over-the-top bits (that would make Leslie Neilson proud) featuring a he-whore pimp daddy and some of the oddest women (questionable on their actual gender) you've ever seen. Add to that Schneider's undeniable charm and physical comedic timing, and you've got yourself a fun two hours. Rating: 4.0 Martinis

DICK
Kirsten Dunst and Michelle Williams are adorable (and amusing) as two teens smack dab in the middle of the Watergate scandal. You’ll laugh throughout this silly satire and fondly remember the "good old days" before disco took over the planet. Kudos go out to Dan Hedaya who plays Nixon with both panache and punch. A definite must-see! Rating: 4.5 Martinis

DINOSAUR
A technical phenomenon; great live action--flying over exotic "prehistoric" lands with computer generated dinosaurs; some harmless and cuddly, some frightening but cool beasts of teeth. It’s these hungry carnotaurs and "Dinosaur’s" theme of extinction that bumped the Rat Company’s MPAA rating to PG. Gimme a break! I’ve seen tamer "Roadrunner" cartoons that show more violence. All this hype and effort for a lame story about a clan of cute lumar monkeys (voices of Ossie Davis and Alfre Woodard) that raise a baby iguanodon named Aladar (voice of D.B. Sweeney) in the tradition of Tarzan makes me want to care...but, watching this marvel of technology and its potential only wanted me to throw my ‘shakin’, double-olived martini in the faces of those who approved the script! What’s happened to writing? Furthermore, in the future, the less a dinosour speaks on camera the better. Rating: 2 Martinis

DISNEY'S THE KID
Bruce Willis plays Russ Duritz, a successful "image consultant" turned upside down when he magically meets Rusty (himself) as an 8-year-old child. Could it be another winner for Brucey? With his chubby and lisping co-star Spencer Breslin as the kid, the Magic 8 ball says, "All Signs Point to Yes!" Although I had my doubts going in, I found this film extremely funny and sweet. Breslin's performance is so adorable you want to pack him up to go home with you - and Bruce is no slouch either. He's both corporate creepy and tender to the core.

But it's the film's central message (that we all need to be more child-like) and the hilarious route that it takes to get there that makes this a must-see for everybody. Children and their parents will especially enjoy the good vibes this terrific film leaves them with. Finally, a movie we can all enjoy! My only gripe? Why did Disney have to put their name in the title? Hmmm? Rating: 5.0 Martinis

DOG PARK
Woof. This mutt may be cute, but it’s got plenty of fleas. Luke Wilson, Natasha Henstridge and Janeane Garofalo star in this he-likes-her-but-she’s-still-wary-of -relationships tale. Wilson is the main single guy looking for love at (of all places) the dog park. You know what’s going to happen – he hooks up with a few women who can’t hold a candle to Natasha and eventually they get together. Rating: 2.5 Martinis

DOGMA
A battle between Good and Evil escalates in New Jersey In Kevin Smith's silly satire about two fallen angels (Matt Damon and Ben Affleck) who try to get back in to heaven on a loophole. Playing like a pot-infused Wizard of Oz, a rag-tag group of humans (which includes Linda Fiorentino and a dead Chris Rock) try to save the world. Sure, there are some moments of laughter, but there are others that have you begging for the ending. Rating: 2.5 Martinis

DOUBLE JEOPARDY
All I wanted was a good who dunnit. Instead, I got a rather contrived story about a woman who (after being framed for her yuppy hubby’s death) uses a legal loop hole (you can’t be charged twice for murdering someone) to beat the system that’s let her down. The best thing about this movie was how great Ashley Judd looked in her prison issued tank tops. Who dunnit? Who cares. Rating: 2 Martinis

DOWN IN THE DELTA
Maya Angelou’s tale of a strung out mother who finally finds redemption (and herself) by leaving the big city goblins for the comforts of family in the Mississippi delta is one of those great family flicks. You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll want to procreate. And it’s mostly due to the leading lady. Alfre Woodard’s Oscar level performance as the self-evolving mama is to die for. In fact, Alfre’s already gotten my vote for Best Actress this year. It was also great to see Esther Rolle in her last role – even if I thought she was a bit underused. Still, don’t miss it. Rating: 3.5 Martinis

DOWN TO YOU
Now, I'm all for love honeybuns, and Freddie Prinze Jr. can come over and shake my martini anytime, but this schmaltzy collection of badly written "ooze and ahs" has to go. Freddie's a hunky college sophomore who's head over heels in love with a fresh-faced freshman (Julia Stiles) ...blah, blah, blah-zay. First off, this girl can't act her way out of a paper bag and second - who cares? Who cares if they act all geeky at first glance? Who cares that he starts to get the willies about commitment? What guy doesn't? Just give me an interesting coming-of-age love story with some memorable moments once in awhile and I'm happy. This pissed me off so much that I had to walk out of the theater after enduring a grueling hour. Rating: 1.0 Martini

DROWNING MONA
Round up the usual dysfunctional suspects - we've got a new comedy in town and it's hysterical. Bette Midler's so outrageously mean as Mona she re-defines the "M" in the Divine Miss M. Just don't give her any sharp objects to play with. Mona meets her mysterious demise when her Hugo's brakes give out, hence "drowning" in da' Hudson River. The town's local police chief, played wonderfully by Danny Devito suspects everyone - from Rona the diner waitress (Jamie Lee Curtis) who's having an affair with Mona's husband Phil (William Fichtner) to Mona's one-handed son Phil (Marcus Thomas)...don't ask. Director Nick Gomez directs newcomer Peter Steinfeld's clever script with brilliance. You won't figure out whodunnit' until the very end - unless you wrote the script yourself. Rating: 5.0 Martinis

DUDLEY DO-RIGHT
Maybe it should be called Dudley Do-Wrong. Really wrong. Brendan Fraser embarrasses himself as the goofy Mountie who saves a small town from Snidley Whiplash’s wrath. And Sarah Jessica Parker! She should just stick to Sex In The City. Or pick better scripts in the feature arena. This sad remake of an already sad cartoon is a real stinker. Rating: 1.0 Martini

DUETS
Don't be fooled, moviegoers. Although it looks like this film centers around Gwyneth Paltrow and Huey Lewis - the real stars of "Duets" are Paul Giamatti and Andre Braugher. Paul plays a nose to the grindstone guy caught up in corporate tape until he suffers a mental breakdown - which forces him to cross paths with an escaped convict (Braugher). Paul's melt down is absolutely hilarious and Betty predicts plenty of great roles from him in the future. You may remember him as "Kenny" in Howard Stern's "Private Parts". A funny, funny man indeed. Now back to the film... It flips back and forth between the lives of those often overlooked heroes of the world of Karaoke. Renegade singers who would never be the next Mariah Carrey or Ricky Martin, but are warriors of the sing-along nonetheless. It may bother you to see Paltrow as the dimwitted, slouchy geek who finally meets her long-last daddy (Lewis) - it bothered me - and Maria Bello could use a choreographer, but Paul and Andre deliver such electrifying chemistry on screen, you forgive any flat moments of the film. Rating: 3.0 Martinis

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