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| CASTLE,
THE This is the silly but sweet story of a tow-truck-driving-family-loving father (Michael Caton) who tries to keep his home (castle) after learning of the neighboring airport’s expansion project. Well, hell hath no fury like an Aussie in a corner, so he leads his family in a crusade to save his home. Despite some nice moments, The Castle just doesn‘t float. Rating: 2.0 Martinis |
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CECIL
B. DEMENTED |
| CELEBRITY Perhaps the only thing worse than watching Woody Allen, is perhaps watching someone play Woody Allen. Face it - the neurotic ramblings of a man who refuses to grow up does not a movie make. But other characters in this ode to the cult of celebrity are worth a look-see. Judy Davis is inspiring as the ex-wife. Leonardo DiCaprio is delightfully caustic as the pop icon he is and Charlize Theron...well, she’s simply drop dead gorgeous as the erogenous-zoned-out fashion model. Only problem is, we can’t get away from Kenneth Branagh’s impression of Woody Allen. Rating: 2.5 Martinis |
| THE
CELL Wow. I'm still freaking out about this movie. What a creepy and visually stunning voyage to hell and back this is! Yes, what you've heard is true; It's extremely graphic and quite disturbing, but I have to say, I was totally blown away by the film. From the gorgeously haunting opening credits to the redemptive ending, The Cell sets new boundaries in extreme filmmaking. Simply put - this isn't some run-of-the-mill psychological thriller - this is a total mind fuck. Without giving too much away, here's the lowdown... Jennifer Lopez plays a child therapist who embarks on a nightmare journey through the demented mind of serial killer Carl Stargher (Vincent D'Onofrio). Why? His latest victim only has 40 hours before she's cleansed (ie; drowned) in a torturous cell he's built in an abandoned farm house. Now, this movie is not for kids. In fact, it's not for those with a weak heart either. It's dank, dark, and deliciously creative in it's unfolding. The director, Tarsem, must have had an odd childhood. Just think the Silence of the Lambs meets a Nine Inch Nails video. Nuff said? Rating: 4.5 Martinis |
| CENTER
STAGE Just think "Dawson's Creek" meets "Fame" meets "Flashdance" and you'll get the idea behind this badly written (but well danced) flick about a group of young ballet students with dreams of hitting it big. Well, as big as ballet is in America. The characters are basically cookie cut-outs (the sweetly niave girl who wants to take the world by storm, the bulimic prima ballerina, the girl from the wrong side of tracks, the good-looking studly lead who gets all the girls, etc.) but the dance routines truly are wonderful. Only thing is, you have to sit through a so-so storyline and sappy plot to get there. Although there are some weak dramatic performances by stars Amanada Schull and Peter Gallagher (who was totally mis-casted as the dance school's director) the fabulously gifted Ethan Stiefel, the 26-year-old American Ballet Theatre superstar, proves that he is indeed one of the greatest male dancers in the world today. Rating: 2.5 Martinis |
| CHARLIE'S
ANGELS Get ready all you Farrah Fawcett hair-flipping fans, Charlie's Angels are back big time, and in the year 2000 they're pumped and packing a punch! Produced by the ever so loverly Drew Barrymore, DB gathers up pals Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu to knock the snot out of some bad guys who want to hunt down their millionaire mystery man, Charlie Townsend. From the myriad of costume changes (Diaz dances in her Under-Roos and Liu's in a bad-ass Dominatrix get-up) to the Matrix-like fight scenes, this modern-day take on three of the hottest private dicks ever to squeeze into a Geisha gown is pure delight. Add the Gumby-faced Bill Murray as Bosley, and you got yourself a hit. If it sounds like I really dug this film, it's because I did. I was a freak over the original TV show, and now I'm an even bigger fan. Betty recommends that you run to the theater to see Charlie's Angels. Run I say! Rating: 4.5 Martinis |
| CHICKEN
RUN I know what you're thinking; "How good can a claymation flick about a bunch of chickens be?" Real good. In fact, from the film's opening homage to The Great Escape to the climactic beak-grinding ending, I found this tale of egg-producing hens trying to fly the coop absolutely adorable and damn funny. The feathered ones are led by Ginger (Ab Fab's Julia Sawalha), a brave chicken who's had it with pumping out product for a Cruella DeVille type demon woman and her submissive field hand. Only thing is, try as they may, they just can't get out. Then comes along Rocky, the Flying Rooster (Mel Gibson) who not only gives everybody hope of life beyond the wire...but a little romance as well. I know - it sounds dorky, but trust me, you'll laugh yourself silly. And when you think about how long it must have taken Aardman Studios to shoot all the elaborate scenes with hundreds of clay chickens running amok, you'll appreciate how this lovely bird got to the big screen. Rating: 5.0 Martinis |
| THE
CHILL FACTOR How a waste of celluloid like this makes it to the big screen is beyond me. Can you tell Chill Factor didn’t leave me all goose-bumpy? Not long ago, Cuba Gooding Jr. nabbed his Oscar. In this, he’s jumping around like character out of Amos-N-Andy. And wait ‘til you get a load of Skeet Ulrich. C’mon, using ice cream sandwiches to cool a bomb? Rating: 1.0 Martini |
| CHINESE
BOX A Chinese Box is a nifty little treasure keeper that has several different compartments - some obvious, some not. Just like the handcrafted pieces of art, Wayne Wang’s latest attempt at cinema verite isn’t what it pretends to be. In this boring bomb Jeremy Irons plays an English journalist who realizes his own mortality and decides to take action in pursuing his love interest. Problem is, the action he takes lacks luster and interest. Even the decent soundtrack and jolting visual backdrop of steamy Hong Kong couldn’t save it. Rating: 1 Martini |
| CIDER
HOUSE RULES, THE This is why I love the movies! Cider House not only RULES, it strokes and twangs every heartstring like a Hendrix guitar solo. A brilliant adaptation of John Irving's best seller (who also wrote the screenplay), director Lasse Hallstrom captivates you from the opening scene to the final line. Tobey Maguire is young Homer Wells raised in a Maine orphanage and taught over the years how to be a skilled OBGYN by his mentor, Dr. Larch (Michael Caine). It's WWII, and a restless Homer decides to see the world for himself. From a New England apple orchards a hired picker to falling in love with the sexy Charlize Theron, to eventually realizing what he was born to do, and that's to be a doctor back at his orphanage. The dicey topic of abortion is played out delicately enough not to alarm political kooks, but bold enough to engage one's own morals. Just a warning...bring tissues...no, bring a towel! Rating: 4.5 Wet Martinis |
| CITY
OF ANGELS So it beat out Titanic and Lost in Space in its debut at the box office. Big deal. I decided to bet the eight bucks to see if Meg Ryan and Nicholas Cage could play a different character than Meg and Nic. Just like my last visit to Vegas, I lost. Sure the idea of a legion of hunky angels (Sam Spade-ified versions of the Men in Black) who look over the shoulder of humanity while setting up house in libraries was a nice touch. At least they promote literacy. But geez - the rest of the predictable plot has the same old Meg playing the same old pretty girl in a funk. And somebody pa-lease move her hair out of her eyes! Co-star Cage didn’t fare any better. That annoyingly in-awe and bewildering look he has on his face is enough to make you want to become an atheist. But this Betty still believes in angels. Where were they when they were making this flop of a film, we’ll never know. Rating: 2.0 Martinis |
| CLAY
PIGEONS Attention budding filmmakers. Making a movie about a charming serial killer dressed-up like Roy Rogers is no easy task. Just ask David Dobkins. He’s the guy behind this ultra dark roast neo-noir dramedy that has critics panning it.What’s bizarre is I kinda dug it. Joaquin Phoenix plays Clay – a poor soul who gets roped into the murderous rampage of Vince Vaughn’s lecherous Lester. Janeane Garofalo does a nice job as a lonely federal agent. Is there any other kind? Worth a look-see. Rating: 3 Martinis |
| CRADLE
WILL ROCK, THE Welcome comrade, to Tim Robbins' version of REDS. Sure, the art and theater world of 1930s New York City is an important cause for the writer/director. But do you care? Does it hold together an entire movie? Not really. Yes, it was an exciting and somewhat dangerous time in our history; labor strikes broke out throughout the country while New York remained a cultural Mecca (something Robbins bangs over your head in interwoven stories over and over and over again.) And oy - the musical numbers! Somebody stop them please! The chaotic camera follows a perky bunch of characters that repeatedly talk over each other's lines (like anybody could talk over Orson Welles) and blah, blah, blah. It became so much I totally tuned it all out. In the end, I didn't give a rat's butt cheeks what happened as long as they finally stopped talking. Rating: 2.5 Martinis |
| THE
CREW Screw the Dragon. Let's just call 2000 the Year of The Old Guys, shall we? Now, I know this movie is definitely gonna rock my grandma Betty and her gardening pals at the retirement home, but "The Crew" also has some fun moments that younger audiences will enjoy as well. What's it all about? Four fossilized former wiseguys -- Bobby (Richard Dreyfuss), "Bats" (Burt Reynolds), "The Brick" (Dan Hedaya), and "Mouth" (Seymour Cassel) -- face eviction from the Raj Mahal senior citizen hotel in Miami. Apparently, ever since Madonna moved there, busty babes and underwear models have been flocking to the trendy area in droves. That means it's time to renovate the building and squeeze out the geezers. That's when the crew creates a simple scheme to save their humble home. But of course, nothing goes as simply as it did in the old days when wackin' somebody was easy - and that my little pepperoni is when the comedic bits become enjoyable to watch. The bad parts? Jennifer Tilly as the conniving stripper. Honey, I'd think twice before wearing a G-string if I were you - and if Richard Dreyfuss said "Fogetaboutit" one more time, I was going to walk over to the screen and smack him silly. The line's been used before and it's getting real old. So stop using it screenwriters! I will say this - Burt Reynolds is still hot. And after his amazing role in "Boogie Nights" and his nice comedic turn in this, I'm betting that he's got a few more memorable miles on him. Once again, not a major hit, but worth a few chuckles. Rating: 3.25 Martinis |
| COMMITTED Whoever told the studio that Heather Graham could lead an entire movie should be shoveling asphalt on the lot. In fact, the guy who bought the script should be out there helping him. This meandering sad look at a woman desperate to keep her marriage in-tact (depsite the fact that her goof-ball hubby takes off to go “find himself”) is long and boring and beyond bizarre. It got so bad, I wanted to leave the theater, but I thought I’d stick around to see just how bad it could get. This woman is so committed, she ends up literally committed to a loony ward as she tries to figure out her wacko husband (played by Luke Wilson). I’d go into more details but it pains me so, just take my word for it. If you must see this flick – please catch it at a matinee. Rating: 1.5 Martinis |
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COYOTE
UGLY |
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