BABE: PIG IN THE CITY The first one may have broken our hearts, but this $90 million sequel just squeals all the way home. In fact, after viewing this morbidly dark children’s film, you can’t help but wonder who these guys were making the film for. Is it a kids movie or a PETA training film? Near death experiences may be a great segment on Oprah, but not around the holidays. I mean, it’s bad enough all those pigs, turkeys and fruitcakes have to be slaughtered this time of year. But to die in the box office too? Rating: 1.5 Martinis.

BACHELOR, THE Well, the Boy Wonder's mask if finally off. Welcome to the end of Chris O'Donnell's career. He's horrid in this poorly-written-macho-sexist flop. It does accomplish one thing; It's one of the year's worst films. On top of his sad sack performance, the story's based on this commitment-shy guy who doesn't want to get married until he stands to inherit "one hundred million dollars." Sound familiar Dr. Evil? Rating: 0 Martinis

BAIT Finally. While this summer's limpy noodled non-action flicks didn't give us much to cheer for, "Bait" barrels its way into the arena as a fresh, funny and high impact action thriller. Jaimie Foxx does a bang up job playing a lousy shrimp thief who gets caught up in a game of cat and mouse. When the Feds decide to use him for bait to catch the mastermind behind a botched $40 million heist at the Federal Reserve, all hell breaks loose - as do the laughs. Foxx is a total charmer and his performance only cements his chances at becoming one of tomorrow's most appealing comedic/action stars - something that Eddie Murphy tried but never mastered. David Morse also does a sweet job as an A-Type investigator with the U.S. Treasury who uses our unsuspecting shrimp stealer as "bait" to reel in the bad guy. Rating: 4.0 Martinis

BATTLEFIELD EARTH Anybody who knows Betty, knows that I am absolutely gah-gah for John Travolta. Heck -I saw Grease over 35 times! But what the hell was he thinking when he made this? Sure, Battlefield Earth is a hit book. I think it's required reading for followers of L. Ron Hubbard. That alone would ensure it's high sales. And the Sci-Fi theme is also one of mega merchandising potential - but this mish-mosh of dank dialogue and predictable plot was so bad - I had to hide my eyes in horror. Why John-John? Why? Just when you start to dig his portrayal of Terl, a 12-foot, 250 pound alien chief of security, you're thrown into the perils of those pesky humans who look more like those matty-haired slaves from the Planet of the Apes. The good thing about this movie is that it's easy to make fun of - especially the script. Memorable one-liners include "Hey, Rat Brain!" - which is Terl's affectionate pet name for Johnny Goodboy (played to the terrible tilt by Barry Pepper) and Goodboy's "We must fight for our freedom!" which Mel Gibson already claimed as his own in Braveheart. Now, I still love you John, but please call me the next time you want to make another Sci-Fi flick. At least Betty will be brutally honest with you. I'll even share your trailer with you! Wink - wink. Rating: 1.5 Martinis ( A heckler's dream)

BEACH, THE As Leonardo DiCaprio fever yet again heats up, the question has to be asked; after the mega success of Titanic, is The Beach a revelation or a let-down? Well, I like to think of Leo's new movie as the Y2K Generation's version of Lord of the Flies meets Apocolypse Now. In fact, from DiCaprio's monotone Martin Sheen-esque narration, to the quirky dark jungle dwellers of a remote Asian Island, Leo's latest is so much like Apocolypse, you can't help but think that a bloated mumu-wearing Marlon Brando is gonna pop up somewhere. Leonardo is a young American who sets off on an exotic adventure in Thailand in search of "The Beach," a legendary tropical paradise free of conventional society's problems. But as we all know, paradise isn't often all that it's cracked up to be. There's no Starbucks and you'll never be able to pick up HBO. Rating: 2.5 Martinis

BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE Bosnian-born director Jasmin Dizdar delivers a take on his home country's war and the divisiveness of London's multicultural world in this bitter-sweet tale that comes to life.if you can understand what the bloody hell they're saying. The plot is simple enough; with all of our modern conveniences, and the "we are the world" anthems, people are still f*%&ed up. Several inter-connected storylines offer a few amusing moments which are smothered in sad irony. In other words, you may enjoy the lighter moments of Beautiful People, but you have to sit through the drudge of it all to experience them. Rating: 2.5 Martinis

BEDAZZLED Although few would complain about seeing Elizabeth Hurley in teeny tiny strips of cloth while munching on an apple or a soul...Bedazzled doesn't do much more than provide the lover-ly Ms. H with a runway to strut her stuff on. In other words, if you're looking for a story, a plot or even a decent moment of dialogue, don't rush out to see this devilish dump of a flick. But if you could care less about "who's motivated by what" and all you want to see is skin - then, well stud, this might be for you. The story? The devil (Hurley) does her best to torture one poor soul, a boring computer programmer (Fraser) by giving him 7 wishes, each of which in some way goes horribly wrong. Getting to the point - the film chokes on sappy clichés, a sputtering Brendan Fraser and far too much reliance on the curvy assets of Britain's best export. Rating: 2.5 Martinis

BEING JOHN MALKOVICH Yummy. Perhaps the funniest movie I've seen in a long time, Being John Malkovich is surely the year's most original film. A depressed puppeteer (played wickedly well by a disheveled John Cusack) finds a portal that allows him to be inside the master thespian John Malkovich. Cameron Diaz co-stars as his un-lovely wife and Catherine Keener as his sexy mistress/co-worker. A must-see! Rating: 5 Martinis

BELOVED Translating Toni Morrison’s masterful tale of a former slave’s troubled past into a film couldn’t have been easy, but what a disappointment for the Queen of Talk. In fact, Oprah’s scattered and lengthy film goes way overboard in the attempt. Her acting isn’t in question here, just her judgement. The captivating Thandie Newton, who plays Beloved, is really the only one to come out unscathed. Rating: 3.0 Martinis.

BESIEGED I thought I’d see an artsy-fartsy film for a little culture. Bad idea. So it’s a Bertolucci film, I just didn’t get it. Thandie Newton plays an African woman whose hubby is hauled off to prison. Somehow she relocates to Rome, somehow she gets into medical school and becomes a live-in maid for an eccentric pianist who obsesses over her. Trust me. Rent it. Rating: 3 Martinis.

BEST IN SHOW Omigod! I think I've died and gone to doggy heaven! In this year's funniest film - Christopher Guest (writer/director/star) creates an onslaught of memorable characters whose main goal in life is to primp and pump their pups for the big Mayflower Dog Show. With as much conviction as a Tony Robbins self help video, these canine crazies trek across the country to compete for the Best In Show honors - and of course, a little self recognition as well. Guest plays Harlan, a fly-fishing pro who's hoping to win with his droopy-eyed Bloodhound. Neurotic yuppie lawyers Meg (Parker Posey) and Hamilton (Michael Hitchcock) are there as well with their Weimaraner. We also meet a mild-mannered menswear salesman (Eugene Levy), his vivacious wife, Cookie (played by the oh so friggin' cool, Catherine O'Hara) and their Norwich Terrier. Michael McKean plays a gay hair salon owner who has three loves in his life; his two ShihTzus and his flamboyant handler/lover Scott (John Michael Higgins). Then there's Jennifer Coolidge, who does a marvelously campy job as the voluptuous young wife of an old tycoon, with their two-time champion Poodle, Rhapsody In White. Sparing no expense, they've hired ace handler Christy Cummings (Jane Lynch) to assure their win. But alas, she's not just handling the dog. The cast is so stellar in this movie, I'd say just go see it for that reason alone, but it's the fussing over Fido bits and comedic timing that makes this movie's bark just as good as it's bite. See it! Rating: 5.0 Martinis.

BEST LAID PLANS Call me creepy (my best friends do) but I kinda dug this dark romantic thriller. It’s a well written film (similar to Bound‘s sexiness) that features Reese Witherspoon, Allesandro Nivola and Josh Brolin (yep his daddy is Mr. James Streisand). They get tangled up in a web of lies, drugs and blackmail. Sounds like your typical Hollywood threesome! Rating 4.0 Martinis

BICENTENNIAL MAN 'Tis the season to be glossy and these special effects will definitely put some jolly in your stocking. Robin Williams is Bicentennial Man who, over a 200-year period, trades in his tin man outfit for an ageless human-like overhaul equipped with a complete set of adult emotions that goes on...and on. The B-Man begins (like all NDR-144 models) as a domestic named Andrew owned by a wealthy Northern California family headed by Sam Neill. It's the relationship between his daughter (the cute dimpled girl from the Pepsi commercials, Hallie Kate Eisenberg) and Andrew that begins his gradual evolution of who and what he is and the world around him. A fun performance is given by Oliver Platt as the scientist grandson of Andrew's original maker, who gives the B-Man a human (Robin-like) appearance. There is a moral to this big-budgeted story - is the future of mankind doomed to a materialistic fate? (like there aren't enough SUVs and cell phones already). Or, if you give a robotic domestic a face, must you give him his freedom? Rating: 3.5 Martinis

BIG BLUE, THE- THE DIRECTOR'S CUT I liked this movie the first time I saw it back in the late 80s - but now with Luc (The Messenger) Besson's director cut (running a stealthy 2.5 hours long) - I'm beyond ecstatic. What a difference when you let the filmmaker show his film the way he intended it! In fact, if you have the American version, dump it immediately and buy the Director's Cut. Why? Because beyond the tender opening set in Greece and the sweeping photography Besson magically captures, the drop dead gorgeous Jean-Marc Barr is mouth watering to watch. He plays Jacques - a deep sea free diver who loves dolphins so much, he even looks like one. I'm telling you girls (and some of you boys out there) he's the closest thing to a Greek god I've ever seen. And Rosanna Arquette actually pulls off a fine performance as an insurance investigator who falls for the angelic Jacques and struggles with her own desire to be with the free spirit of the sea. But the real treat is the relationship between Jacques and his long-time friend, Enzo (Jean Reno). Touching, and epic in scale, The Big Blue is one film you don't want to miss - but since so few theaters will screen such a long film these days, I recommend you buy it on DVD. Rating: 5.0 Martinis

BIG DADDY I'm an Adam Sandler fan, really. The Waterboy left me in stitches. That said, although there are moments (the kid's cute for the first 5 minutes) most of B.D. lacks a backbone. Adam's comic genius is there, somewhere, but scenes with an abandoned lisping 5-year-old (twins Cole & Dylan Sprouse) are so expected, it reads like an open book. Rating: 2.75 Martinis

BIG KAHUNA, THE I’ll start by saying ... I adore Kevin Spacey. May I repeat – I adore this man. We had the same high school drama teacher for cryin’ out loud. He’s a thespian God through and through. But for all my gooey adoration, this movie put me to sleep not once – but three times! Three guys in a hotel room rambling about how life sucks just does that to me sometimes. Spacey’s long diatribes and Swimming With Sharks-esque verbal beatings just got to me after a while. I’m sure this would play out fine on stage – but as a movie, it knocked me out quicker than my first boyfriend. There’s two other guys in the film; another fave (Danny DeVito) and some Christian dude who’s nice but boring as all hell (Peter Facinelli). Rating: 1.5 Martinis

BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE The commercials may look good. And seeing Martin Lawrence in a dress is cute - for awhile, but other than a few fun moments, "Big Momma's House" doesn't turn out to be the rip-roaring drag queen comedy it promised to be. Don't get me wrong. There's something sorta funny about an FBI undercover agent posing as a fat old lady to get the goods on her babe-a-licious family member (Nia Long) - but unlike "Mrs. Doubtfire" and "Tootsie", this puppy lacks teeth. As Lawrence dons the knee-highs and sagging boobs, he finds himself attracted to Long's character, Sherry, as she seeks refuge at Momma's house in order to hide out from a former murderous thug boyfriend, a role wasted on the gorgeous Terrence Howard ("The Best Man"). If you do go see it, be prepared for stinky bathroom scenes, stereotypical cut-outs and an ugly he/she jonesing for her hot young granddaughter. Rating: 2.0 Martinis

BIG TEASE, THE Now this is a fun movie. Although the film's final competition for the coveted Platinum Scissors Award let me down just a tad, the steps in which Scottish hairdresser Crawford Mackenzie goes to get into the Los Angeles based showdown are hilarious. The success of the film lies mostly with the witty and charming Craig Ferguson (from The Drew Carrey Show ) who plays the gay blade with a zest and zeal that's not only refreshing, but believable. From wooping it up at a pricey hotel to getting his H.A.G. card, The Big Tease delivers laugh after laugh. In salon speak - it's a cut above the rest. Rating: 3.5 Martinis

BILLY ELLIOT Leave it to those darn Brits to come up with a winner. Who knew they had it in them? I mean, their food products may stink, but their latest creation, Billy Elliot, leaves you feeling like you've just witnessed something sacred, special and uplifting all at the same time. From the moment the film opens, we're privy to the wacky and wonderful world of an unusual dance-adoring 11-year-old boy (played brilliantly by Jamie Bell). It's a delightful tale of an English boy living in a coal mining town who decides to trade in his boxing gloves for ballet slippers to pursue a spot in the National Ballet School. Needless to say, his coal digging dad doesn't think too highly of his son's prissy passion, but he soon realizes that the boy's dream is much more of a reality than he ever dreamed of. Now listen up people - I can't tell you enough how wonderful this movie is. And why the MPAA gave it an "R" rating is beyond me. Everyone should see this film, especially boys. It's just plain brilliant. Rating: 5.0 Martinis

BLACK & WHITE This must be the season of weird. This puppy opens up with a scene of two white chicks schtooping a rapper in the woods. After it gets everybody's attention, Black & White dives head first in to the world of hip-hop, as a group of white Central Park West kids explain why they're able to identify with their black brothers and sistahs. Brooke Shields plays a bubble of a producer for documentaries, while Robert Downey Jr. takes on another flamboyant gay character (first Wonder Boys, now this?). Mike Tyson lisps his way on-screen as the above-mentioned rapper is faced with killing his friend. Overall, this movie dips up and down between nice moments and flops. Rating: 2.0 Martinis

BLADE Leathered up and leaping in to save the summer from crappy action flicks, Blade is one jolting jugular joyride that slashes the competition. Well-versed in the art of Capoeria (an African/Brazilian martial art), Wesley Snipes pulls off the role of the day-walking, night-stalking hero with plenty of comic-action style. Stephen Dorff also delivers the bloody goods as Deacon Frost, the sexy but evil vampire overlord. With a soundtrack to die for and special effects up the wazoo, Blade is a must-see flick for those of you able to stand thesight of blood...buckets of blood. Rating: 4 Martinis

BLAIR WITCH PROJECT It’s creepy and it’s spooky, and altogether cooky when three film students check into the haunted woods of Burketsville, Maryland to document the legend of one Blair Witch...but they don’t check out. Besides the swearing and screaming and irritating conversations, Blair Witch is a fresh way to make a scary film without the usual blood and guts festival. Rating: 2 Martinis & an olive.

BLESS THE CHILD Egad. How this awful thriller got made is beyond me. Kim Basinger plays surrogate mommy to a little girl (Holliston Coleman) who isn't like all the other kids. Instead of watching Barney, this special girl digs spinning Barbie's vette with her mind. Is it a coincidence that the angelic child is named Cody? Me thinks someone was watching too much Regis & Kathie Lee. Because she's the "chosen one" the girl is targeted by a Scientology-ish cult leader named Eric Stark (Rufus Sewell) who is really Satan's handyman. Beyond the ridiculous plot and mind-numbing dialogue, we're led to believe that after this evil band of nutballs kidnap the girl, they actually care enough to take her to the dentist. That's when Kim steals her back, only to have her taken away 5 minutes down the road after a lame car chase. Jimmy Smits plays an FBI agent who went to seminary school - so of course, he knows all about those big bad cults. Blah, blah, blah. If you simply must see this movie, wait until it gets on video, which will be REAL soon. Rating: 1.5 Martinis

BLOOD SIMPLE Welcome to the re-release of the newly restored and re-edited Blood Simple, which was the first feature film (1984) from Joel and Ethan Coen. The two later went on to create quirky flicks like Raising Arizona and Fargo. And this one is just as quirky, with a whodunnit opening that's both spooky and seductive. But it's also a bit slow moving by today's movie standards. The story is set deep in the dark heart of Texas, where a jealous bar owner (Dan Hedaya) hires a cheap and creepy detective (M. Emmet Walsh) to kill his younger wife (Frances McDormand) and her bartender lover (John Getz). But the dirty detective gets a better idea: he follows the two lovers, and...well, I won't tell you what happens, but it's worth a look-see. Just remember that the pacing crawls and the ending isn't so hot. Rating: 2.75 Martinis

BLUE STREAK Martin Lawrence is a smile a minute, then a grin, a snicker, a chuckle, and plenty of laughs as he streaks across the screen from jewel thief to hero cop. The premise is unlikely, the plot is hard to swallow, but the action and comedy is so Lawrence that you don’t really care. Leaving with a smile from a movie is good thing for a change. Rating: 3 Martinis

BODY SHOTS Pretty young 20-somethings gallivanting around L.A.’s trendy techno-dance scene fraught with sex and alcohol and yes, more sex and more alcohol. The director does a commendable job with a lame story about these lonely urban urchins searching for love in all the wrong places. Yeah, actress Tara Reid is easy on the eyes and yeah, debauchery has its place, but do we really care about these future AA victims? Did I mention there was plenty of sex and alcohol? Rating: 2 non-alcoholic Martinis

BOILER ROOM, THE Now, here's a cool movie worth those ridiculously high ticket prices. Giovanni Ribisi is beyond riveting as Seth, an enterprising young man brought into the underbelly of a less-than-angelic brokerage company. We follow Seth as he tries to win his father's love by going after the 3C's - cash, cars and cool suits - and as he learns the art of a cold call sell. But the deeper (and richer) he gets, the more he hates the taste of his new found career move. Boiler Room also boasts a bevy of hot Hollywood talent like Ben Affleck, Vin Diesel (Pitch Black) and Nia Long (The Best Man). Overall, it sold me hook, line and sinker. Rating: 4.0 Martinis

BONE COLLECTOR, THE As a major fan of Angelina Jolie, may I say, "What the hell are you doin' girl?" This "thriller" is pretty much a formula "serial killer tries to trick the experts" walk-thru with Denzel Washington playing a quadrapolegic ex-forensics cop. Jolie plays his pretty protégé who learns the ropes by uncovering gruesome crime scenes. The biggest boo-boo? Unless you're daft, you know who the killer is in the first 15 minutes. And why is Al Bundy in this movie? Rating: 2 Martinis

BOUNCE Perhaps like there "real life" love affair, this odd romantic comedy turns out to be more like a tragedy - at least for Ben Affleck... the jury's still out on Gwyneth Paltrow. She's cute and all, and she definitely outshines Ben, but sheesh, you have to ask yourself, "Why did she do this movie?" Not only is the whole scenario of the plot ridiculous, but these two have to be the most boring couple alive. They make Barbra Streisand and James Brolin seem hot. Gwyn plays Abby, a widow who insists on being perceived as a divorcee, and Ben plays Buddy, a man with some morbidly secret bonds to Abby. I'm not going to tell you what those bonds are, but trust me, if you've seen the film's trailer, you've seen the movie. Save your money and bounce over to another flick, you'll always be able to see this on viceo...and real soon I bet. Rating: 2 Martinis

BOWFINGER There are some great moments in this comedy about a failing producer (Steve Martin) who rigs a movie around a famous movie star (Eddie Murphy). Thing is, he doesn’t know he’s the leading man. But many jokes fall short of any major gafaws and you’re left with some pretty uncomfy moments. Still worth a ticket. The freeway scene rocks! Rating: 3.5 Martinis.

BOYS DON'T CRY Expect to see an Oscar nom for the intense and marvelous Hilary Swank, whose portrayal of Brandon Teena should not be missed. This touching and tragic tribute to the real life story (and gruesome death) of a young man trapped in a girl's body is truly an important film. Kudos also go out to co-star Chloe Sevigny who plays Brandon's girlfriend, Lana, with true grit. One of the year's best films. Rating: 5.0 Martinis

BRING IT ON Okay. I love Kirsten Dunst and I had a great time interviewing her. I think she's sweet and extremely talented, but maybe she just needs help picking movies. "Drop Dead Gorgeous" was a drop dead flop and so is this stinker. It's almost taboo to come out against a film like this since it's coated with stuff like "girls just wanna have fun" and "the cheerleading competition is what really matters." But that's a bunch of bull. What really matters in this wanna-be comedy is hanging on to every cliché and tripping over every bad joke in the book. And don't let the marketing of this film fool you. As if teen girls weren't good enough, they're pushing this puppy out to a voyeuristic male audience who want to get their jollies looking at high school chicks taking off their bras and posing by their lockers. This isn't about cheerleading! It's about playing out to the lowest common denominator. And some of it's really unsettling. Other than the negative tone they refer to dykes with, one of the stunts where a straight cheer dude sticks his finger under the panties of a girl in his squad was downright gross. I do give the film points for touching on the racial issue, but it's thrown in there among the bad comedy like an after thought. All in all, "Bring It On" is nothing to cheer about. Rating: 1.5 Martinis

BROKEDOWN PALACE Two rebellious teens (played Claire Danes and Kate Beckinsale) head off to Thailand for a post graduation trip that doesn’t live up to the brochures. A who-done-it drug smuggling caper in a country where flogging is par for the course. But in this somewhat interesting tale, both girls somehow escape rape and bad lighting. Enter at you own risk. Rating: 3.0 Martinis.

BUTCHER BOY, THE The title alone should’ve been some indication this was gonna be a lousy cut of meat. I swear to you Betty buddies, I’ve never been so depressed in my life than after seeing this dark and dank film. The film’s lead is a 12-year old bully (played by Eamonn Owens) who’s a prime a prime candidate for the electric chair. Sure, he had a rough childhood with an insane mother and a drunk father (Stephen Rea) but who hasn’t? Is that any reason to whack his perky neighbor after defecating on her rug?! If the film’s main character isn’t enough to give you night sweats, most of the film’s dialogue is gobbled up in an uncomprehendable Irish dialect. So although you hate the little butchering bastard, you don’t even know what he’s saying to make you hate him so bad! Rating: 1 Butchered Beyond Belief Martini!

BUT I'M A CHEERLEADER 17-year-old Megan (Natasha Lyonne) is far too strong-willed for her unsuppportive parents, who begin to worry she is - hold on to your bible belt - a lesbian. Their solution? To send Megan to 'True Directions,' a "rehabilitation camp" run by Stepford Wives-ish counselor Mary Brown (Cathy Moriarity). Soon Megan meets the equally defiant Graham (Clea DuVall), and the two form a fast "friendship". Although some scenes did sag a bit long, I have to admit this low budget beauty took me by surprise. The way the film handles how gay and lesbian stereotypes are just that - stereotypes - is both charming and funny. And the way that it's shot - - remember "Heathers"? That same kind of psychological fish-eye lens is used in key scenes and it's a real nice touch. Rating: 4.0 Martinis

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