Movies A

A CIVIL ACTION
If you’ve read my interview with John Travolta, you know that I’m totally suckered. I love anything this man does. That’s why I hate to say this flick just left me hungry for something more. The story (albeit true) about a hotshot attorney changing his tune for the needy has been done to a crisp. Despite the fact that I could watch him all day long, the story just didn’t pack enough punch. Robert Duvall shines a bit as his opponent attorney, but not enough to make this movie sizzle. Regretfully, I gotta tell you – see it if you want to look, just don’t touch. Rating: 2.5 Martinis.

A MAP OF THE WORLD
First off, let it be known that I absolutely adore Sigourney Weaver and I was really looking forward to this movie. That said, despite my admiration for Sig, I found this story not only dreary, but severely lacking any major dramatic punch. A mother (Weaver) finds herself working on a family-run farm in a podunk town when her life becomes even crap-ier after her best friend's (Julianne Moore) child drowns under her care. What follows is another downward spiral into escapism after she's also accused of child molestation and sent to jail. That's where it really tanks. She engages in some of the corniest dialogue between her fellow inmates - I swear, I had flashbacks of that Linda Blair prison flick. And that's not a good thing. Rating: 2.0 Martinis

A MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S DREAM
Okay. I went through volumes of Shakespeare in high school and I bought into Shakespeare in Love and all, but sheesh, am I the only one tired of The Bard? I had to work so hard to understand what the hell they were saying in this tedious film, no amount of Michelle Pfeiffer in glitter or Ally McBeal in a girdle could do a thing for me. Rating: 1.5 Martinis

A SIMPLE PLAN
Faced with the dilemma of what to do after finding over $4 million, this group of decent folks go through the ringer...and each other. And once you get past his bad teeth and hair, Billy Bob Thornton is down-right masterful in his socially inept role opposite Bill Paxton and Bridget Fonda. Ad libbing lines here and there, and drawing you in like a spider does a fly, Thornton truly does deliver. Paxton and Fonda also are on top of their game with quiet control and let’s not forget the ever brilliant Sam Raimi (Evil Dead I and II) who directs with a solid touch. Rating: 3.5 Martinis.

ADVENTURES OF ELMO IN GROUCHLAND, THE
If you think you gotta be three to enjoy this cute adventure-n-learn film, you’re probably right. But I’m well beyond that age (don’t ask) and I still had fun. During any scary or ‘spooky’ parts the film takes the time to reassure the young audience that everything’s gonna be just fine. Besides, Elmo is too innocent and good to be harmed. Take the tiny tots for an interactive treat. Rating: For the kiddies -4.0 Shirley Temples

AGNES BROWNE
Now, this is a movie. We meet Agnes (Anjelica Huston) as she and her best pal Marion (Marion O'Dwyer) try to file for her widow's pension just hours after her husband's death. What follows is a heart-warming and thoughtful trip into the simple life of a mother of seven in 1967 Dublin. But it's not a startling or glamorous story - so why does it work? It works because Huston's magically gentle touch both in front of and behind the camera (as director) goes down as easy as a warm cup of tea. Drawn to borrow cash from a local loanshark when times are tough, Agnes picks herself up out of a dreary existence to save her family's pride, shower her children with love and eventually experience what life is all about. Marvelous moments abound. Rating: 5.0 Martinis

ALMOST FAMOUS
Cameron Crowe is a lucky guy. Not only did he get to live and breathe the last days of rock and roll fever, but he also got a hit movie out of the whirlwind experience. This time around it's newcomer Patrick Fugit who gets to pull on the corduroys and rose-colored glasses of the 70s, playing Crowe's character "William" - a wide-eyed 15 year old rock journalist for Rolling Stone magazine. And what a triptastic journey it is. From William's frantically worried mother (played marvelously by Frances McDormand) to his first love/crush on a "band-aid" named Penny Lane (Kate Hudson), the angel-faced boy/man grows up in front of your eyes in a movie that oozes memorable moments. When sent on an assignment to cover the up-and-coming band Stillwater, William discovers that despite befriending lead guitarist Russell Hammond (Billy Crudup) and lead singer Jeff Bebe (Jason Lee), what lies beneath the music world isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Now, there are a few slip-ups in some supporting roles - like the assignment editor at Rolling Stone, an actor who truly needs a few more lessons, but overall, the performances are right on and full of charm and candor. Rating: 4.5 Martinis

ALL ABOUT MY MOTHER
Manuela (played both passionately and blissfully maternal by Cecilia Roth) is an organ donor coordinator and single mother who must come to terms with the tragic loss of her only son, Esteban, when he's struck by a car after attempting to get an autograph from a famous actress. A mourning Manuela leaves Madrid and goes to Barcelona in search of Esteban's father. However, the man that she left behind when she was pregnant eighteen years ago is now a transvestite named Lola. This is where it gets real interesting.

Rarely does a film deliver such outstanding performances, let alone a gripping storyline, but it's Pedro Almodovar's memorable characters that make this taco tick. From Manuela's longtime tranny pal Agrado (played by Madrid cabaret artist Antonia San Juan) to the striking lesbian stage star Huma Rojo (Marisa Paredes) - -you really find yourself bonding with the people in this movie. Tragic, emotional, uplifting and inspirational, All About My Mother makes one thing crystal clear..."Women will do anything to avoid being alone." Rating: 4.0 Martinis

AMERICAN BEAUTY
Lord we critics love this movie! As a gritty and gruesome modern marriage falls apart, one man’s mid-life crisis (Kevin Spacey) is dissected with a wicked touch and splendid script. Spacey’s performance is Oscar worthy, and Annette Bening (who plays his over-achieving realtor wife) earns equal praise. Dark, delicious and frickin’ funny, American Beauty wears the crown with class. Rating: 5.0 Martinis

AMERICAN HISTORY X
This disturbing and powerful tale of a neo-Nazi skinhead (played masterfully by Edward Norton) and his impressionable younger brother (Edward Furlong) could very well be the sleeper hit of the year! Although tough to watch and controversial in topic, American History X is a cinematic gem; a nail biting, shotgun ride into the darker side of urban race relations. Come Oscar time, me thinks Norton’s guaranteed a slot for Best Actor and Furlong as Best Supporting. Rating: 4.0 Martinis.

AMERICAN PSYCHO
The big question most of you bold enough to go see American Psycho will be, “Is it real or is it Memorex?" It’s about an anal-retentive Wall Street hunk absorbed in ‘80s consumption and so much contempt for people, that killing them is the only way he can cope. There are definite moments of humor sprinkled over this disturbing subject matter - like when Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale) has an anxiety attack over a colleague’s business cards that are more stylish than his own, or his clinical foreplay with hookers while eloquently critiquing the music of Huey Lewis and Phil Collins. Or his habitual alibi that he gives to investigator Willem Defoe… he was returning videotapes.

Murder and carnage (real or fantasy) is not Betty’s idea of entertainment pleasure, however, director Mary Harron (Who Shot Andy Warhol) should be heralded for how she handled Bret Easton Ellis’s controversial novel and cinematographer Andrzej Sekula (Pulp Fiction) deserves a medal for injecting some elegance to such a despicable story. Trust me kids, it could have been a lot worse. If anything, Christian Bale will no longer go unnoticed, especially by Hollywood. Rating: 3.5 Martinis with a grain of salt.

AMERICAN PIE
What you’ve heard is true. There are plenty of rude and crude scenes involving an apple pie, warm beer and MILF! And it’s all done with a smart script and brilliant insight into the pains and pleasures of puberty. An ensemble cast of fresh faces (that scream out Breakfast Club of the 90s) takes "getting laid" to a wicked new level. Rating: 4.0 Martinis

AN IDEAL HUSBAND
Start with an Oscar Wilde play fraught the King’s proper English, high society, Lords and Duchesses, brilliant costumes and polite blackmail, all set in 1895 England - and you’ve got a superb story and performances from Rupert Everett (move over Pierce), Cate Blanchett, Minnie Driver with moving scenes from Julianne Moore and Jeremy Northam. I say, this impels oneself to retire to the conservatory and instruct the butler to shake me up a dry Martini. Rating: The Duchess Betty bequeaths An Ideal Husband four grand Martinis!

ANIMAL FACTORY
What a great film that far too few people are going to actually see. Directed by Steve Buscemi, Animal Factory takes us inside Eastern State Penitentiary as 21-year old Ron Decker (Edward Furlong) is sentenced with a lengthy sentence for drug trafficking. Scared to death that he won't survive the dangers of killer convicts at every turn, he gains the protection and guidance of ex-gang leader Earl Copen (Willem Dafoe). When Earl sees something of himself in Ron that's worth saving, a loving relationship between the two is created -- one that in many ways saves both their lives. The story may sound corny, but Dafoe and Furlong deliver powerful performances that keep the pace intense and enjoyable to watch. Emotional and nerve wrecking, this is one film that hits the mark. Rating: 4.0 Martinis

ANALYZE THIS
So I’m watchin’ dis movie here and laughin’ my @ss off there, ‘den bada-bing, it’s over! Harold Ramis directs ‘dis light-hearted comedy about an anxiety afflicted mob boss, Paul Vitti (De Niro) in desperate need of wiseguy-therapy. With a little help from his bodyguard, great character mug (Joe Viterelli), Vitti searches for himself and his inner child through the counsel of amiable psychiatrist, Ben Sobol (Billy Crystal), who just wants to marry his fiancee (Lisa Kudrow). The performances far out way a couple of rough spots. I mean, it’s De Niro...so fugeddaboutit. Lots a‘ fun and a solid. Rating: 3 Martinis.

ANNA AND THE KING
East may meet west, but don't expect a barefooted Yul Brenner to leap out standing akimbo ready to sing and dance. This is a serious drama and love story: Anna Leonowens (Jodie Foster) is the widowed Victorian schoolteacher who charms the autocratic King of Siam (Chow Yun-Fat) into a forbidden love affair. I'm not sure how, but even with all the free concubines at his disposal and Anna's less than charming demeanor, His Majesty still falls for this headstrong tutor from England. Go figure.

Getting past some corny dialogue about the ass-ends of elephants, the production design is top notch - the Extras, the animals, and the sets all of epical proportions! But 2½ hours of this might drive you to singing your own version of a Rodgers and Hammerstein show tune. And there are the patented Jodie Foster 'clenched-tooth-stiff-cheeked-tight-lipped conversations that even the King comments upon as an "irritatingly superior attitude". All in all, 'Anna and the tolerant King of Siam' is a beautiful movie to look at, just as long as you don't fall asleep. Did I mention they had concubines? Rating: 3.0 Martinis

ANY GIVEN SUNDAY
Man, can Al Pacino yell. That's really the only impression this film left me with after watching hours of sweat flying for what seemed to be as long as an actual football game. We discover there's corruption and dirty deeds in the big league (does this come as a surprise?) and that the good guys are slowly being pinched out as big money infiltrates the locker room of sportsmanship. Yaddy yaddy. Oliver Stone may be one of our great directors, but Betty wishes he stuck to the more important issues of our time. Rating: 2.0 Martinis

ANYWHERE BUT HERE
Yes. Betty loves Susan Sarandon, and Natalie Portman has a long career ahead of her. Unfortunately, this mother-daughter-love-hate relationship flick fails to fully satisfy. Much like The Story of Us, we're exposed to the unmet expectations of these two quirky individuals as they leave a podunk town for the glitter of Beverly Hills. Of course, the move doesn't solve all of their problems until the end when it's all nicely wrapped up in a pretty bow. Rating: 2.0 Martinis

ARLINGTON ROAD
Paranoia does destroy ya! This horrid attempt at a thriller drives into a dead end at every turn as the art of overacting is perfected by Jeff Bridges, Tim Robbins and Joan Cusack. With such a predictable plot and corny script, you’d think someone would’ve put this whimpering dog out of its misery. No such luck. This block party needs a beating! Rating: 1 Martini

ART OF WAR, THE
I've never been a huge Wesley Snipes fan, but you gotta give him credit for being in tip-top shape and taking on a physical movie like this. That said, "The Art of War" is definitely a guy's flick, with plenty of electronic gizmos, kicks, punches and bullet casings to spare. Just think James Bond meets Shaft and you've got the picture. The story goes like this...terrorists are threatening to bring down the United Nations by framing the one man kick-ass machine that can stop them - an international security expert named Shaw (Snipes). Although those heavy on testosterone might enjoy it, personally, I found a lot of "The Art of War" tired and truly unbelievable.

After the murder of a top Chinese UN Ambassador (what, no security?), Snipes enlists the help of a (no surprise here) beautiful translator (Marie Matiko) who helps him get to the bottom of "a global conspiracy of cataclysmic proportions." Whatever. The action seems forced and far too convenient, culminating in a high powered shoot-out between Snipes and his ex-partner that is beyond silly. The two fire off what seems like a hundred rounds at no more than 5 feet between them and yet nobody gets shot. And the ending...oy vay! The best thing about this movie is the schleppy veteran FBI agent Capella (Maury Chaykin) who's got some great scenes as he tries to figure out the whole mess. Rating: 2.5 Martinis

ASTRONAUT’S WIFE, THE
I see a pattern emerging here in Hollywood. Just like Universal Soldier II, The Astronaut’s Wife did not enjoy media scrutiny, woops I mean media screenings. Simply put, that means the studio didn’t offer us critics the opportunity to view it. That means trouble. Big trouble. So since I‘ll have to pay full price to tell you about it...don‘t hold your breath. Rating: ? Martinis.

AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME
Mike Myers is back as the groovy guy who put the GRRR in swinger. Problem is – we’ve all seen it before and the "oh behaves" are getting a bit old. And lovely Liz Hurley cannot be replaced by Heather Graham. The good news is Dr. Evil gets more screen time as do jokes about doo-doo. Some bits are truly funny, but only worthy of a matinee. Rating: 3.0 Martinis

AUTUMN IN NEW YORK
Simply put - Richard Gere and Winona Ryder waddle around in a saccharin sweet romance. In this terrible tale (which is more like an episode of "Days of Our Lives"), Gere is a (no surprise here) rich and handsome restaurant owner who likes to play the field. He's a dedicated bachelor, happy to offer his goofy grin (and loins) to any willing lady. That includes Winona's character (a 22-year-old wispy lass who's got a terminal illness). Much like "Pretty Woman" - Gere tries to shape and mold this young lady and even buys her a dress for their first date. Now, watching Winona wince when she makes a "juvenile" joke and get all giddy over her crush is nauseating enough to watch, but Gere's corny "I think I'm falling for the sick girl" routine is pathetic. He's bombarded with horrible lines like "Man, you don't dance, you float." Gag!

I don't know what's creepier - the fact that he's 48 and she's 22 - or that he used to date her mother (before the" tragic accident" we never figure out). But wait - it gets worse! Just when he starts to fall for her, he decides to have a quickie with a former flame on the roof of a party their both attending! While she's downstairs talking to the kiddies, he's upstairs schtooping another woman. What's his excuse? He's afraid of having her leave him all alone after she kicks the bucket. Poor baby. Then she takes him back! Aaargh. I could go on and on, but just save your money and donate it to Gere's Tibetan foundation. It will go to a much better cause that way, and you won't lose your lunch. Rating: 1.0 Martini

AVENGERS, THE
What the hell did they do to one of my all-time favorite ‘60s shows? I’ll tell you what they did. They took all the charm and all the reasons to love Emma Peel and John Steed to the cleaners and sanitized the crap out of them. Let’s put it this way, this sorry adaptation of the hit TV show was so bad, I got up and left the theater after the longest 20 minutes I’ve ever endured. Not even Uma Thurman’s skin-tight leather get-ups could keep me interested. Add to that a mumbling, incomprehensible Sean Connery...blah, blah, blah.. Rating: Warner Bros. owes me a martini for having to have endured the whole fiasco.

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